Slayer vs. Player. Who wins?

What would happen if Buffy the Vampire Slayer met Edward The Vampire from “Twilight”?

I’ll keep this short and sweet: Vampires. Don’t. Sparkle.

I would pay cash money to see Buffy kick this pale-skinned glitter-ridden hipster’s ass. You?

(Image via the very talented Joe Eisma.)

53 Responses to Slayer vs. Player. Who wins?

  1. Dan Gonzalez

    I don’t know who would win, but I know that I want Buffy to win and end that poof’s sparkling forever!

  2. Angst. No matter who wins. More angst.

  3. This isn’t even fair. I’ve not seen one minute or either Buffy or Twilight, but for the love of Bela Lugosi, there can be only one! AND IT CAN’T BE ANYTHING FROM &^%$ING TWILIGHT!

  4. Not my type to write for this posts. BUT HELL YEAH ONLY Buffy. That little brat have no chance.

    p.s. That picture is so cool Jeff.

  5. Toss in other vampire hunters like Blade and Alukard (from the manga Hellsing) to start an all-out slaughter-fest on the whole Twilight cast and I’ll be buying my ticket for the show in advance. ^_^

    Mr. Q

  6. Buffy wins, because she fight many years about vampire and other dangerous creatures. The only reason she lose, because she fallen in love with edward, because she loves special guys. But then came a jealous Angel in the battle and kill him.

  7. really? Three people voted for Edward?

    Here’s the way I see it going down; Buffy would hear of a new vampire in town and show up to deal with it. She’d try to stake it as usual and end it quick. But the stake shatters on Ed’s nigh invulnerable skin. So it’s several long minutes of Fisticuffs. Buffy, unprepared for this new sparkly guy get’s brought up short and cannot make any headway, so she strategically withdraws in order to lick her wounds….and do a little research.

    After a short study session with the scoobies, she knows how this particular breed of vampire needs to be killed. She shows up with a monster truck, a couple of chains and a flame thrower.

    In the end, Buffy is a better fighter – her natural abilities, training and experience will win out over Ed’s long years of hunting deer in the wilderness and hiding. She’d have Ed in chains and tied to a post and the truck, tear him apart, and finish him off with the flame thrower.

    (I”m a big Big BTVS Fan, and my Wife has read the twilight books. we’ve actually had this conversation at the dinner table with the kids.)

  8. Are rhetorical polls a thing now?

  9. (Paraphrased from http://www.homestarrunner.com)

    “Oh, man. That’s not even fair. Buffy would win with both hands duct-taped behind her back, and with little pieces of duct tape covering her eyes, and Edward could have a spear even.”

    On a related note, bits and pieces of my own life have been compared and contrasted with similar situations in “Twilight,” and in each and every situation, my own depressingly boring life has been deemed a better story than Twilight. And believe me when I say this, I wouldn’t even want to read a book about my own life, so to say that Twilight isn’t as good of a story as my life is really saying something about how bad Twilight is.

  10. madnesslover629

    i really don’t know who would win i guest buffy

  11. Man, I don’t even like Buffy, but I hate what Twilight did to vampires, so Buffy all the way.

  12. Once again Jeff has put me in a tough spot with these polls. Obviously Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a much superior franchise in regard to characters, writing, coolness, everything, etc. Unfortunately I must judge these things on emperical evidence presented within each fictional setting. The Twilight vampires are far superior in strength, speed, and toughness to the vampires of the Buffy universe. They are more in league with Glory for sheer power than Angel. In a straight up one-on-one fight Edward would take Buffy with no problem. Only special preparation and help would allow Buffy to win this one but that isn’t within the purview of this poll question.

    Hey, don’t blame me. That’s the way they are written. In fact that’s one of the problems I have with the Twilight mythos. The vampires are way too powerful for my taste.

  13. I will say this will probably be the most one-sided vote of all Hero Machine history.

  14. thejay:
    Are rhetorical polls a thing now?

    dblade:
    I will say this will probably be the most one-sided vote of all Hero Machine history.

    HAHAHAHA! You guys make me laugh.

    And yeah, Buffy all the way! Ed wouldn’t have a chance even if Buffy was confined to a wheelchair. Jeff, this poll would have a better chance of not being so one sided if you pitted Buffy against a hamster. :D

  15. Go, Buffy, Go! Do it!

  16. does edward even have fighting skills? all they ever do in those movies is shove each other. buffy takes it even if he has superior powers. buffy is probably my favorite show ever.

  17. Well, on one hand, I’m a Buffy fan, so I want to vote Buffy even though I think dblade has a valid point about the overpowered vamps of Twilight.

    But, on the other hand, I hate Twilight, so honestly I’d vote for pretty much anybody to kick Edward’s ass.

  18. Who voted for edward?
    Edward would be too damn interested in buffy to see the stake coming. It would be like “Hug me Buffy….*STAB*”
    Dead

  19. My prayers…they have been answered. DEATH TO TWILIGHT! And yes, I would pay real money as well just to see this.

  20. Captain_Kicktar

    What’s next? Batman vs. Edward?

  21. *gleeful laughter* Yes! Die, Edward! Die! Die! Die! Die!

  22. Dan:
    Man, I don’t even like Buffy, but I hate what Twilight did to vampires, so Buffy all the way.

    THANK YOU! I refuse to read or watch twilight on principle because of what they did to the noble names of the vampire and werewolf races. Anyway, even Ed did have superior powers, it doesn’t seem like he has any training, also, he’s freaking Edward from twilight! The only possible way I could see him winning is if he somehow sparkled so much that Buffy was blinded, he then accidentally runs into her, knocking her off a cliff or something, but even then, the odds are still in Buffy’s favor to win. GO BUFFY! KILL EDWARD FOR TRUE VAMPIRES EVERYWHERE!

  23. DionZeromus

    I have this to say about it.

    Twilight has no vampires. They are Fae. In sunlight, Fae sparkle. Vampires, on the other hand, burn.

    So arm yourself with a cold iron stake Buffy. You got yourself a few Fae to kill tonight!

  24. Are we really having this discussion right now? A slayer vs sparkly emo vampire/fae thing? Buffy wins hands down.

  25. I recognize this is going to be a cliche’d point, but (especially) in light of the above arguments, I’m afraid I’m going to have to go with it anyway.

    We all would.

  26. So at this point only 13 of us have voted for Edward. I’d be curious to know who voted Edward because they like the Twilight series over Buffy or, like me, know that the Twilight vampires are uber-powered godlings who Buffy wouldn’t have a chance against. They have the level of power that should only be reserved for the ancient ones (ala the Methuselahs or Antediluvians in the Vampire RPG) in my opinion.

    BEWARE: This is a trap! Revealing your preference may result in a forum pummeling like you have never seen!

  27. dblade:
    So at this point only 13 of us have voted for Edward. I’d be curious to know who voted Edward because they like the Twilight series over Buffyor, like me, know that the Twilight vampires are uber-powered godlings who Buffy wouldn’t have a chance against. They have the level of power that should only be reserved for the ancient ones (ala the Methuselahs or Antediluvians in the Vampire RPG) in my opinion.

    BEWARE: This is a trap! Revealing your preference may result in a forum pummeling like you have never seen!

    Really? Only 13?

  28. I voted for the sparkly vampire. There, I said it. Now hear me out, fellow HM’ers:

    -in terms of popularity, I’d go with Buffy. I didn’t mind the show, and I like anything by Joss Whedon. Also, the Twilight books are awful. I made myself read them when they became popular, since they sounded so stupid, and I don’t like judging something that I haven’t read/seen/done if I can help it. The books are just terrible, and the only way I was able to get through all four was by forcing myself to imagine they were written by Stephen King or Anne Rice (the only two people who should be allowed to write vampire fiction, in my opinion).

    -My opinion on the quality of the source material out of the way, the reason I voted for the Magical Adventures of Mary-Sue Meyer is because her ridiculous, twinkly vampires might just be the most powerful-in-general vampires in fiction. In works like the Vampire Chronicles and Hellsing, there are a few vampires who are stupidly powerful (Lestat, Marius, Alucard), but most are around the level of a “typical” vampire. The tinkerbells from Twilight–even the weakest, newest ones–can move faster than human sight, have inpenetrable skin, strength enough to lift cars and crush boulders, massively super-human senses, and no “normal” vampiric weaknesses. Like one of the posts above me said, even a normal, non-extra-powered Twilight vampire would be on the same level as a “season boss” enemy from Buffy (think along the lines of The Master or Glory). Then you have the ones with extra powers: some can see the future, some can read minds, some can control elements, some can hypnotize or cause pain by looking at you. In the case of The Hudred-Year-Old Virgin, he can read the minds of anyone within a few miles of him, and is mentioned as being the fastest vampire in the series (in which the “slow” ones can still run from Washington to Alaska in less time than it takes to drive there), and is one of the better fighters.

    -Compare that to Buffy’s vampires and you see where the problem is. She’s used to fighting beings only slightly stronger than her, since as a slayer, she has a bit of super-human strength, and the Buffyverse vampires are only a few times stronger than a person. Buffy vampires also all have the “normal” vampire weaknesses. Stake one in the heart and they don’t just die, they explode into dust. Same with sunlight. They’re repelled/injured by Christian symbols like crosses and holy water. Buffy is used to fighting vampires that go down easier than a normal human with the same strength and speed as them would. None of her usual tactics or weaponry would do a thing against a Twilight vampire. Her best chance at victory would be having Willow or Anya come up with some magical way to beat him, and since this is supposed to be a one-on-one fight, that’s not happening.

    -So, in summation, Buffy would lose in a physical fight between her and the sparkle-fairy. She can’t stake him (skin too hard), can’t trick him (mind reading), can’t fight him (super-speed/strength), and can’t even run away (again, super-speed). As much as I don’t want to say it, Twilight would win this one, hands-down…

  29. DiCicatriz

    The arguments for Edward’s win are invalid as Stephenie Meyer’s narrative exists entirely in a juvenile fantasy universe in which her characters have no faults and even when they do, they somehow become entirely endearing and somewhat of a saving grace.

    What’s that? An awkward and clumsy teenage girl, wise beyond her years, who feels like something of an outsider? It turns out everyone secretly loves her. Even the mysterious and beautiful brooding quiet young man. Let me go on and on for several pages about how perfect his physical features are. Oh and his porcelain skin is so beautiful and dazzling that nothing can harm it… and he can read minds so he’s super sensitive and entirely in touch with with what women need and feel and want… except for her mind of course, because she’s an uncompromising and unique little snowflake who only seems awkward and shy on the outside, but secretly she’s the best person of all and he totally gets it and junk… and he drives a Volvo. Or whatever. SWOON.

    Twilight is just the sexual fantasy of a bored and forever alone middle-aged Mormon woman who was probably overweight and unloved in high school. Any advantages Edward has in terms of physical attributes stem purely from her nonsensical Mary Sue idealizations. Wretch. Giles or Willow would figure out a “Make-Everything-Not-Written-Within-the-context-of-a-Twelve-Year-Old-Girl’s-Diary Spell” to make Edward somewhat of a reasonable character and Buffy would chainsaw him to death. The end.

  30. Hey, DiCicatriz! No help from the others!

    And I agree, the Twilight vampires are the Mary Sues of vampire literature. :)

  31. Dr. Shrinker

    Buffy Vs. Twilight: I’d pay good money to see that movie.

  32. Yay! Buffy wins by a landslide!

  33. Joel: THANK YOU! I refuse to read or watch twilight on principle because of what they did to the noble names of the vampire and werewolf races. Anyway, even Ed did have superior powers, it doesn’t seem like he has any training, also, he’s freaking Edward from twilight! The only possible way I could see him winning is if he somehow sparkled so much that Buffy was blinded, he then accidentally runs into her, knocking her off a cliff or something, but even then, the odds are still in Buffy’s favor to win. GO BUFFY! KILL EDWARD FOR TRUE VAMPIRES EVERYWHERE!

    You wanna hear something terrible? My wife made me go see the first Twilight in the theater. On my BIRTHDAY. Really. She still owes me for that one.

  34. Approximately 21 people have voted for Edward as of this posting.

    We must find these infidels and burn them.

  35. Doornik1142:
    Approximately 21 people have voted for Edward as of this posting.

    We must find these infidels and burn them.

    Make it 22 — dblade convinced me. Do I now have to burn myself?!

  36. Jeff Hebert: Make it 22 — dblade convinced me. Do I now have to burn myself?!

    And Gero further supports the decision with cold sparkly facts.

    If only sweet, sweet ignorance had kept me from knowing the truth.

  37. Dan: You wanna hear something terrible? My wife made me go see the first Twilight in the theater. On my BIRTHDAY. Really. She still owes me for that one.

    I feel for you buddy. My fiancee convinced me to see the first one, and then dragged me (under protest) to see the second. Thankfully, she has found like-minded friends that went to see the remaining movies, but that’s four hours of my life I want back.

    Jeff Hebert: Make it 22 — dblade convinced me. Do I now have to burn myself?!

    The mob with pitchforks and torches will be with you shortly. Please wait patiently for their arrival.
    I’ll admit, dblade might be right. At least, if anything can be taken from it, dblade, Jeff, and Gero aren’t voting for Edward because they actually like Twilight (quite the opposite, in fact). They just choose to recognize that Stephanie Meyer’s emotionally retarded romanticism has made her “vampires” into near invincible immortals via shoddy writing. I, on the other hand, will not, nay, cannot vote for Edward Cullen, my mind will not allow me to. So, die, Edward! Die at the hands of the slayer named Buffy! And I hope it hurts

  38. Yeah. If twilight wasn’t such a masturbation fantasy, or if buffy had time to prepare, or if it was a wishing contest, I’d say Buffy. Sadly, the 2 universes don’t work by the same rules, so I have to go with sparkly.

    Unless… Bringing buffy to the sparklyverse amps up her powers, too, due to the high level of suckage energy involved. Or that, in the buffyverse, Awkward loses most of his strenght due to the lack of that vital (for him) ambiant energy). But this is something else.

  39. yeah i dont care how powerful edward is, buffy is like spider-man or batman or indiana jones: shes gonna come up with some way to beat him. they said she couldnt beat the master, and the judge, and spike, and glory. c’mon. the contest shudda been blade vs buffy. although a blade/angel crossover makes more sense. now a buffy/spidey or a scooby gang/xmen (circa kitty pryde as teen years) would be incredible.

  40. Um? The only way to combine these universes accurately is to remember that the slayers are born to ‘have what they need’ an angst-ridden destiny thing. The only reason a slayer could ever have won at all was through mystical forces indicating her birth to a trainer or an archivist, having destiny-soaked DNA, training beyond Olympic ability, the tendency to make friends that can help, the superhuman ability to charm vampires into not killing her when they should have. . . every ‘deus et machina’ possible.
    –So, she’ll get what she needs, unless she and Ed have sex first. If she loses, Ed IS a fae.

  41. I’m going to have to go with Edward. Even though the source material is inferior, the power level displays is simply way higher than what Buffy can cope with on her own.

    That said, comparing Edward to the Antediluvians or Alucard is rather overstating his power level. Speed, durability, and moderate psychic power is hardly comparable to, say, Zapathasura who went completely bat**** and wiped out a large portions of India before being “neutron bombed” with devices of sufficient power to wipe out a portion of an adjacent alternate dimension and crack the walls of a prison built to house the architects of the universe and some of the most powerful beings in existence ever (which he survived) all the while fighting 3 of the most powerful other vampires in the region, and only then, when having been weakened from all of the above, did orbital solar reflectors focused enough sunlight to bring him down (maybe). Alucard, by the time he absorbs Schrodinger is borderline godlike. While Twilight aren’t the weak vampires on the totem pole, a little perspective is called for.

  42. Dr. Shrinker:
    Buffy Vs. Twilight: I’d pay good money to see that movie.

    It’d be a short, bloody, ash-filled movie.

  43. Jeff Hebert: Make it 22 — dblade convinced me. Do I now have to burn myself?!

    Unfortunately yes, just upload all of that info in your shiny head (except for the Twilight knowledge) into a Life Model Decoy that can take over once you’ve been engulfed in the flames of non-manliness.

  44. I say we do away with Buffy and bring forth Vampire Hunter D, the Half Human half Vampire Son of The Vampire King!

    Manga and Anime for the Win!!!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_Hunter_D

  45. the creator

    Buffy might have a chance, as most vampires in the Buffy universe would team up with her to kill that new guy who gives then all such a bad name.

  46. Don’t give vampires a bad name.

    http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/041/d/e/Down_for_the_Count_by_poopbear.jpg

    No I didn’t draw it. I just liked it.

  47. Jeff Hebert: Make it 22 — dblade convinced me. Do I now have to burn myself?!

    Say 20 Hail Whedons and flog yourself for five hours. Then your sins shall be absolved.

  48. I dunno, I’ve seen the twilight movies, watched All of BTVS, and my wife has read the Twilight books and explained a great deal to me.

    But,I Still think Buffy could take him in a straight up fight. Her skills, training, experience, and natural slayer fighting ability, coupled with greater than human strength and speed…..All she has to do is get in behind him and pop his head off, and he’s done. Plus, I think she has the over all Will to win the fight – any fight – that puts a vampire in the ground. I don’t think Ed has that kind of ‘heart’ in him. He’d fight for his family, but I don’t think he’s got it in him for a straight up battle.

    In the end, Buffy is a Warrior. Edward’s a Lover. She’d take him.

  49. the creator:
    Buffy might have a chance, as most vampires in the Buffy universe would team up with her to kill that new guy who gives then all such a bad name.

    Now, that’s a realistic way for her to win!

  50. Abraxas:
    I’m going to have to go with Edward.Even though the source material is inferior, the power level displays is simply way higher than what Buffy can cope with on her own.

    That said, comparing Edward to the Antediluvians or Alucard is rather overstating his power level.Speed, durability, and moderate psychic power is hardly comparable to, say, Zapathasura who went completely bat**** and wiped out a large portions of India before being “neutron bombed” with devices of sufficient power to wipe out a portion of an adjacent alternate dimension and crack the walls of a prison built to house the architects of the universe and some of the most powerful beings in existence ever (which he survived) all the while fighting 3 of the most powerful other vampires in the region, and only then, when having been weakened from all of the above, did orbital solar reflectors focused enough sunlight to bring him down (maybe). Alucard, by the time he absorbs Schrodinger is borderline godlike.While Twilight aren’t the weak vampires on the totem pole, a little perspective is called for.

    We weren’t making a direct pound-for-pound comparison to these uber vampires. We were just making the point that the default generic Twilight vampires are at a high level of power usually reserved for more powerful vampires in other mythos whose default vampires aren’t quite so uber. I personally can’t think of any other mythos where all vampires start out at the level of power the Twivamps display.

  51. Get him Buffy! Get him!

  52. At a 9:1 vote ratio in favor of Buffy, I think this poll is decided. ;)

  53. Blazing Tornado

    I’d pay MORE cash to see a Belmont beat up Edward.