Bad Costume Powers, ACTIVATE!

It's no secret that I consider the West Coast Avengers to be the all-time worst-dressed team in comics history. They featured Iron Man in arguably his worst armor, the worst-dressed married couple in Hawkeye and Mockingbird, a cat woman whose "costume" was a plain blue bikini, and Lifetime Achievement Award in Bad Clothing winner Wonder Man.

Which explains why, if you're a super villain looking to make your mark on the world, you'd give yourself the power to absorb all of their bad fashion choices into one, all-encompassing Suit of Suckage:

When you go out in public wearing the worst elements from the worst dressed characters in the worst dressed team in history, you are going to need an industrial sized high-tech diaper to hold all the pooping you will be doing on yourself in the face of universal revulsion. And that's just what this fine fellow has, so points for forethought.

It's hard to pick out just one element to hate the most here, so let me do a quick overview of the lowlights:

  • Weapon 1 is a gigantic pleasure device from the planet Orgasmitron.
  • Weapon 2 is a crossbow that has taken the place of his hand. Since his other hand is holding the aforementioned giant pleasure device, how exactly does he plan on loading that sucker?
  • Giant purple Hawkeye mask -- let me repeat that, "giant purple Hawkeye mask", how are we not hiding the children at this point?! -- is so big and pointy that the white Moon Knight cowl has to be pushed way back. I'm willing to bet there are bobby pins involved to hold those suckers together, and nothing says "Fear my might" like bobby pins.
  • Purple cloth boot tops popping forth out of footless metal shin guards. How you get purple cloth out of metal shins is not a question I am capable of answering. It just makes me feel twitchy.
  • The Super Depends are going to get so full, they require not just one purple Hawkeye bandolier to hold the quiver, but two of them, rigged "Deliverance" style for a sort of high-tech overall look. In purple.

I get the idea of a composite villain, but concentrating that much super-powered costume badness into one individual is far more power for evil than can possibly be countenanced.

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