I freely admit that this might be the stupidest poll question I have asked yet. That’s me, the overachiever. But with the whole “Clerical Contest” going on this week I wanted to do something with the idea of holy characters, and let’s be honest — Wolverine is a sure-fire vote-getter. That’s me, vote whore. Put that all together and you get:
Let’s put on our Smart Guy Tweed Coat With Elbow Pads and snort down some tobacco on our pipe while we dive into the deep theological and philosophical waters here, shall we?
- Thor: I know people love them some Wolverine, but let’s get real — Thor’s a freaking GOD. He can fly around up in the sky and hurl lightning bolts at Logan till even the mutant healing bits are little more than tasty bacon. If he gets bored with that, he could land and pummel his pint-sized foe to death from a hundred yards away over and over again with Mjolnir. This isn’t even close. And yes, I know Marvel is putting out a digital “Thor vs. Wolverine” mini-series, but those cynical bastards just want your money while I am a pure and noble purveyor of Truth. And vote whore.
- Hercules: A much better match-up than Thor, for the lack of lightning bolts if nothing else. At least Hercules can’t fly, so this would be a good old-fashioned toe-to-toe slug-fest. And I actually think Logan could hold his own here. Yes, Marvel Hercules is incredibly strong, but he’s not invulnerable, and I think Wolverine’s speed and quickness would come into play here. Plus Herc just isn’t savage, and that counts.
- Battle Pope: I admit, I don’t know much about Battle Pope. I just like the name. But after reading the Wikipedia entry, I realize that his roommate is Jesus, and you don’t mess with JC. So while Wolverine might take this guy down one-on-one, the Lord doesn’t leave his warriors hanging.
- Spawn: I have discovered that I think of Wolverine as a D&D style troll, and that if you can just burn him badly enough, he can’t recover. I know this is not canon, but there it is anyway. Plus the chains, the CHAINS, man! They’re, like both holy AND demonic! Or something. Does Spawn really have to make sense, or is it enough that he has big claws and fangs and is brooding and totally kills people you guys! And did I mention the Hell?!
- All of the above: Wolverine can beat anybody!!1!!!
If you answered “All of the above”, take a moment to wipe the spittle from your screen. I’ll wait.
(Image ©2010, Marvel Entertainment Group.)
Done? Good, because you’re wrong. Thor kicks his ass twelve ways to Asgard and back, just for funsies. I think he could probably beat Hercules if he put his mind to it, and Battle Pope would likely be a beat-down until the Big Guy stepped in. Spawn would probably also be a good fight, but in my head he has flame powers and would melt the little bastard. That is probably not even true but I’m not listening to you.
So the correct answer is HERCULES!
Now tell me why I am wrong and you are right, but for the love of Pete keep some Kleenex handy. Monitors ain’t cheap.