Poll Position: The King Lives!

We appear to be on a bit of Jack Kirby kick this week, so let’s take the King’s designs into real life, shall we?

{democracy:153}

Let’s take a deeper look, shall we?

The Headgear

It’s big. It’s bulky. It won’t fit through most doorways. How the heck are you supposed to move in this stuff? There are enormous horns, gigantic tuning forks, even one guy with an enormous video camera mounted to his noggin. Just maneuvering around the every day obstacles of life would be a hassle, assuming you don’t live in the god-sized Asgard.

The Weight

Kirby armor is huge and bulky and must weigh several metric tons. I can’t imagine getting out of a chair, even — which apparently Maximus can’t either, as he’s still moribund. Come to think of it, all your furniture would have to be triply reinforced and made of adamantium just to keep your shiny metal butt from smashing into the floor. Let’s not even think about how you de-suit go to the bathroom in under three hours.

The Controls

Kirby outfits have doo-dads everywhere. Hips, chest, nipples, crotch, all along the belt, the outer thighs, inside the armpits, you name it and there’s a button or lever or switch or tape recorder or something you have to fiddle with. I’d be in a constant panic thinking that if I accidentally scratch where it itches I might set off a nuclear bomb or something.

The Name
I think this about says it all:

It sounds like I’m harshing on Jack Kirby — and I am a little — but it’s the same goodhearted ribbing I give my friends, born of respect and admiration. The guy was a total stud. But if you spend any time at all looking through particularly his later works, like his run at Pacific Comics or the New Gods or the Inhumans or whatnot, a lot of these visual shortcuts start to jump out at you.

I have to say, I’d be curious to talk to the costume designers for the “Thor” movie to find out how they kept the Kirby horns on Loki from dragging the actor’s head to the ground. Those helmets look incredibly heavy and awkward to me.

But at the end of the day, in the real world, I’d most hate the bewildering array of controls and doohickeys that festoon a classic Kirby outfit. I just know I’d fart and destroy downtown.

5 Responses to Poll Position: The King Lives!

  1. More kirbyesque stuff in HM 3…….

  2. Thanks, Jeff. Now you forced me to make an even more Kirbyesque character for the contest.

  3. I once wore a self-made minotaur outfit to a RPG con (way before anyone had even imagined the word ‘Tauren’), and the headgear was made out of genuine cow horns.

    The horns did not extend too much past my shoulders, and the whole experience was still extremely uncomfortable, especially when trying to walk in a crowd.

    The worst part was the fact that I’m 5’6″, and most people in that crowd were taller than me; they instinctively avoided my shoulder areas, but kept bumping to unexpected horns.

    Protip: if you plan to wear a minotaur outfit, make sure that you wear some kind of armor which expands your shoulder area past your horns.

    Regarding Loki’s headgear: either quite a lot of it has been digitally generated (and whatever has been showcased to live audience is just a fancy prop), or, it is actually made of lightweight materials (you can do some incredible stuff with brush-on latex/epoxy on silk frame and gild it with gold leaf), with probably some balancing bits cunningly integrated to construction.

  4. Headgear is the worst. Bad name can only be embarrassing, controls are only a problem, when you use a gizmo and you propably made so you’d atleast know what it’s gonna do and a guy with a heavy armor has propably enough left over adamantium to build some furniture, but headgear is really bad – it can get you killed. If heavy armor doesn’t work well, it will just immobilize you, but heavy hat can cause your neck to snap. Spine is generally speaking the weakest point of human and humanoid anatomy.

  5. William A. Peterson

    Headgear, obviously, is the worst, but it would ALL be worth it…
    As long as it came with Awesome Cosmic Power!!! :D