I’m the Whizz!

If your super power involves running away, there are two things you want to avoid when it comes to setting your your heroic identity.

First, you want to avoid choosing yellow as your primary color, because (news flash!) in our culture, yellow is the color of cowards. You rarely want to combine running-away powers with cowardice.

And second, on the off chance some dim-witted criminal misses the whole "I'm bladder-voidingly afraid" vibe, you probably don't want to name yourself anything even vaguely reminiscent of, in fact, pissing yourself.

And yet, I give you "The Whizzer":

whizzer1

Super-heroes use costumes to send a message about themselves, whether that message is "I'm a bright icon of hope" for Superman or "I'm about to kick you in the face and you won't even see it coming" in Batman. It ought to go without saying -- and apparently, tragically, it most definitely went without saying where The Whizzer could hear it -- that you don't want to send a message that says "Please don't hurt me or I'll pee on both of us." I would bet you'd have a hard time inspiring fear in anyone besides the men's room attendant with that kind of look.

But let's say somehow you have attracted a Rogues' Gallery of epically clueless proportions, who have, against all odds, completely missed the fact that you're depicting yourself as a galactic-level coward. In that unlikeliest of events, the very last thing you would want to do, the absolute worst way you could possibly reinforce the unfortunate stereotype of your moniker, would be to mount a chicken on your helmet. And yet:

whizzerhelmet

Oh sure, he'll claim that's an eagle, but I think the preponderance of evidence would clearly show it's a chicken. Because I've met eagles, my friends, and I can assure you, not one of them would be caught dead hanging out with the King of Wee. Even future guests of KFC have more pride than that.

(Many thanks to reader Kate for once again pointing out an awesomely bad Golden Age costume!)

20 Responses to I’m the Whizz!

  1. Here’s several people whose costume I hate, but be warned that my list does contain both Jesus in a Jumpsuit and George of the Jungle with a bucket on his head…
    1. B’wana Beast
    2. The Aquarian by Marvel comics
    3. Dr. Bong (He has a bell on his head!)
    4. Numinus (WTF!)
    5. And any X-Force member drawn by Rob Liefeld

  2. Matt, I’ve actually done B’Wana Beast, Dr. Bong, and Numinus before. Plus looooooots of Liefeld. I’ll have to check out The Aquarian though.

    If you’re a glutton for punishment, you can actually find all the Bad Costume posts in one place.

  3. Denise Adams

    Made me laugh out loud!! Thanks!

  4. I have no problem with a yelloe costume. I do have a problem with the rubber duckie headgear. It looks stupid.

  5. The Whizz puts me in mind of a Seinfeld episode where Elaine’s boyfriend plays “The Wiz” in ads for the store of the same name. There’s a scene were he starts going, “Nobody beats me cuz I’m the WIIZZZ!”

    I now will imagine this superhero running around saying that whenever I see him.

  6. OK, here’s a clip. Now, just imagine he’s in a yellow suit and does this while fighting crime… 🙂

  7. @Jack: You nailed it! That’s why I chose the headline for this one that I did, I’m a big Seinfeld fan.

  8. I’m just picturing that funny walk at super-speed! 🙂

  9. @Jeff: Must have missed them, but it doesn’t mean I cant hate them, also I didn’t see Jupsuit Jesus on your list so it’s not a complete failure

  10. Jumpsuit*

  11. He considered the names Pee Boy, Golden Shower, Urine Stream, and Number One and called himself “The Whizzer”.

  12. It’s not an eagle or a chicken. It’s actually a mongoose (which is somehow the source of his powers. Maybe a radioactive mongoose bit him). Not that a mongoose is much better than a chicken…

  13. But mongooses (mongeese?) don’t have wings …

  14. How did the Whizzer get his powers from a mongoose? Well, many years ago a lonely, vulnerable woman met a kind, understanding mongoose…

  15. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whizzer_(Robert_Frank)#Fictional_character_biography

    Maybe the artist drew a normal goose on his head instead of a mongoose?

  16. Why would a transfusion of mongoose blood give you super-speed? I mean, even in comic-book science that makes no sense. They aren’t known for their running speed, and their only literary claim to fame is their antipathy for cobras: http://www.rikkitikkitavi.net/

    They do have sharp little teeth and claws and awesomely freaky eyes–check the picture in the link–but, alas, the Whizzer didn’t get any of that.

    It makes you wonder if he just lied about his origin. Perhaps he actually got a transfusion of chicken blood, and the guy who made his hat knew it, and wanted everybody else to know it too.

  17. So why didn’t this goober call himself The Mongoose? I can see the tagline now: “Let the snakes among men beware!!”
    But no, he had to keep the stupid name and go through a series of costume changes, each one yellower than the last.
    He’s clearly the sort of guy who Just Doesn’t Get It.

  18. Kate sent a whole series of his various costumes through the years, and they all are terrible. I blame the mongoose, as everyone knows they are awful dressers.

  19. When I still had a subscription to Wizard one issue came with a Deadpool preview comic. In it he was fighting clones of dead superheroes and villians. the Whizzer was one of them. DP made fun of him but I can’t recall what he said but it was pretty funny.

  20. I must also, after apologizing for my late comment, point out that his face is uncovered. That’s fine when he’s, um, whizzing by at super-speed, but when he stops, he’s busted. So he has to, um, whizz all over the place.