Enough with all this high-brow stuff that makes you think, says I, because you should never have to think! Instead we’re going to keep it real simple this week folks:
Mockery and snide derision with a side of snark after the jump. It’s probably going to be petty and immature, too, so scram if you don’t want to put on your kindergarten Underoos and join in the fun.
Here’s your list, along with commentary and visuals for reference.
- “Batman” featuring George Clooney:
Easily the worst of the Joel Schumacher Batman costumes, and that’s saying something. Granted, the platter-sized man-nips are covered up on Clooney’s suit, but that’s overshadowed by the even more unfortunate and completely gratuitous use of the shiny stainless steel codpiece, particularly egregious on Robin’s supplemental leather play-toy accessory outfit. Plus, what’s that crap doing on his legs? And the divots taken out of the bat ears? It’s rare to get a costume so bad you root for the bad guys, but this one’s it if ever there was one. Unless, of course, your bad guy in question is …
- “Mister Freeze” featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger:
It would be easier to talk about why this costume doesn’t suck, because from top to bottom it’s chrome-plated lameness. My first question would be “Why did Mister Freeze weld the grille from the Pixar film ‘Cars’ to his abdomen?”, closely followed by a query as to why he requires a reservoir tip. Take a close look, kids, at the Outfit That Killed A Franchise.
- “Ozymandias” featuring Matthew Goode:
Whereas Dave Gibbons’ Ozymandias makes you think about how sad and pathetic, ultimately, this uber-intelligent man is, surrounding himself in the faded tatters of a long-gone king doomed to rot in the sands, the movie version of the costume instead makes you think “WHY IS THAT PENIS LOOKING AT ME AAAAAAGGHH!” Throw in the nipples sliding out from under that collar, the sculpted belly button, and the pouty little-girl mouth Goode is cursed with and this looks more like a still from “Buttycandyass”, the XXX rated rip-off feature.
- “The Phantom” featuring Billy Zane:
Although not as spectacularly, blatantly, utterly offensively bad as some of the other entries, I felt I should include Billy Zane’s “Phantom” costume purely as a method of discouraging other would-be adventurers from sallying forth in their bathing suits and shower caps.
- “Silk Specter” featuring Malin Åkerman:
Why is a stipper fighting crime? She doesn’t even have to change clothes between jobs, that’s why. The yellow shiny vinyl, the garter belt holding up the thigh boots, and the radical French-cut pseudo-thong don’t bother me as much as the fact that she’s wearing jogging shorts beneath all of it. That’s just weird.
- “Steel” featuring Shaquille O’Neal:
This photo combines two of the things I love to hate the most in all the world — Shaquille O’Neal and bad super-hero costumes. This outfit looks like what would happen if someone took a seven foot tall black Genie reject, rolled him in industrial-strength bonding agent, and threw him into a junk pile. Which is not a bad way of describing Shaq’s acting talent, come to think of it.
That’s a lot of bad costuming, folks, picking just one isn’t easy. My heart tells me to go with Shaq, but let’s be serious — no one takes that movie seriously. Similarly, Schumacher has taken so much heat for the later “Batman” films that at this point they just sort of mock themselves, so going after them feels kind of cheap.
Instead, I’m going to surprise myself and go with “Ozymandias”. The whole thing just gives me the heebie-jeebies, especially whatever is going on in that crotch region. There just shouldn’t be an eyeball anywhere in that region, and if that’s old-fashioned of me, so be it.
I’d love to hear your take on these, or any others I might have left out, in the comments.