This week's Poll Position is an unabashed dive head-first into giddy, gibbering fan-boi fantasy:
Discussion after the jump!
Everyone enjoys exhibiting unseemly amounts of prepubescent joy at the prospect of Batman kicking some other beloved (or reviled) comics icon in the face. And here at HeroMachine.com, we're no exception. So let's shed ourselves of any notions of artistic integrity, good taste, or a desire for plot and think about whose ass we would most want to see Batman kick.
- Batman vs. The Avengers: For The Avengers, Batman might have to use both hands instead of having one tied behind his back like he usually does for a fair fight. After all they have at least one god and one unstoppable muscle-bound brute, plus whatever fashion disaster The Wasp is gadding about in this week, and that's just not fair. Still, he's The Goddamn Batman, so while this particular fight might take a double-sized annual or something, there's still no doubt the winner is gonna have funny pointy ears on his cowl when the dust settles.
- Batman vs. Batman: Don't ask me, I just work here. Technically of course the sheer awesomeness of having TWO Batmen in ONE story would exceed the legal limit for testosterone so Congress would have to outlaw this issue. Or TRY anyway. But thinking about Batman kicking Batman in the face is making me feel all funny in my tummy so I have to stop now.
- Batman vs. COBRA: I think it would be funny to see what biting putdowns Bruce would come up with while cutting through this pack of second-rate amateurs like a Ginsu through a can of Bud.
- Batman vs. Conan: This would work best if Bruce were somehow transported back to Conan's world and actually would be kind of interesting. Conan sort of is Batman, only without the whole "respect for law and order" thing. And more muscles. And a seriously bad haircut.
- Batman vs. Decepticons: I would totally buy this if only to see the Batmobile turn into a giant Transformer and eat the Boy Wonder. Also, Utility Belticon rawks.
- Batman vs. Iron Man: Eccentric rich billionaire vs. eccentric rich billionaire. Is there any way this doesn't end at a baccarat table?
- Batman vs. Wolverine: The ultimate fanboi wet dream. They'd have to print this one on special goo-resistant Teflon pages.
- Batman vs. Wonder Woman: He's already beaten Superman more times than a rented drum, he might as well try his luck with the second most powerful and iconic figure in the DC Universe. Why don't any of these "What If" issues ever end up with Batman bagging the super-chicks, anyway?
- Batman vs. The X-Men: Like The Avengers, just one is not enough to take on Bats. Give Xavier's entire team a shot and it might last for more than two pages.
In all seriousness, this is completely stupid. And it is in that spirit that I would say I would green-light "Batman vs. Batman vs. Wolverine". I know that's not on the list, but if Batman can change the rules, then so can I. So nyah!
Make your witty Batman-fanboi-related comments below!