Poll Position: Oh yeah, we’re going there

Walking right over the line of appropriateness, this week for our Poll Position we bring you that venerable traditional game, “FMK: Fool around, Marry, or Kill”, proving I have neither class nor taste. But then, you already knew that.

For those of you unfamiliar with this concept, basically FMK is a “forced choice” game, where you must choose which of the three presented options you would Fool around with, which you would Marry, and which you would Kill. It is assumed that each choice is mutually exclusive, so you can’t choose to both Fool around with and Marry the same person. The point of it is … ok, there’s not really a point, it’s just stupid. But we did super-heroes-as-politicians last week so cut me some slack here, there are low-brow readers of this blog too!

So here goes:

{democracy:88}

Discussion to follow.

Here’s the thing about The Baroness from the classic GI Joe cartoons — she’s hot and would totally shoot you in the back when you’re not looking in order to make off with your Swiss bank account. Or even just the contents of your GI Joe piggy bank, she’s not picky. So for me, I can’t marry someone like that, because you have to trust the woman you marry. On the other hand those glasses totally do it for me.

She-Hulk’s kind of annoying, at least as Byrne wrote her. She’s cloying and needy and kind of a pain to have around, but on the other hand she could snap you like a twig. Also hot, yes, but dangerous if you’re not invulnerable yourself.

Finally, Sailor Moon, a character I know absolutely nothing about beyond the fact that she has ginormous eyes and an even bigger bow to go along with a nigh-non-existent nose. That’s just against nature, unlike a seven foot tall green lawyer. But, I think she’s supposedly kind of sweet and she kicks butt while looking good in a mini-skirt, so there’s that.

Ultimately, I’d probably choose to Fool around with the Baroness because with a one-time fling you don’t have to worry about her eviscerating you in your sleep or whatnot and, come on, those glasses — hubba hubba.

I’d choose to Marry Sailor Moon because she probably wouldn’t snap my spine in half during a bout of passion, and she seems like she’d be a loving mother who wouldn’t accidentally crush junior’s abdomen while burping him, unlike some green-skinned members of the list.

Which unfortunately means I’d have to Kill She-Hulk, even though she seems like a nice enough lady overall. I blame John Byrne, whose treatment of her made me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a spoon.

So which would you choose, and why? And yes, I changed the name of one of the options on purpose, let’s keep it that way.

About Jeff Hebert

Jeff is a 45 year old city boy who has somehow found himself located in Colorado, fulfilling his lifetime dream of making a living drawing super-heroes all day.

41 Responses to Poll Position: Oh yeah, we’re going there

  1. Sailor moon is the best kill, because She-hulk can’t be killed and Baroness is a ruthless and violent person. I ain’t going up against either of those.

    That means fooling around and marrying have to be between Baroness and She-hulk. Of those Baroness might be a better choice for a longer relationship, because she isn’t insanely strong. Baroness might assasinate me on long term, but atleast she wouldn’t squish me by accident.

    She-hulk is best suited for fooling around, because with a person like that the shorter the contact, the better. She-hulk is one of those violence junky super folks that solves arguments with fists. If she stayed in the picture for a long time, she’d atract plenty of super villains – and that’s assuming she doesn’t just slap my head off during our first argument.

  2. Apparently I picked the popular choice today. Yes, fool around with She-Hulk, because occasionally I like the thought of a woman stronger than me. Hey, I’m lazy–why should I hurt myself trying to get crap out from under the couch or behind the fridge? And I’d get the strong woman and the nerd in the same package, just not at the same time.

    And definitely kill Baroness, because as cute as those glasses might be…LOTS of girls have glasses, and they won’t try to knife me for the $1.47 in my wallet. Besides which, I’d pretty much be doing the world a favor in the long run (though the three-section foldout in Supervillainesses Monthly would look a little bare…)

    Which brings us back to Sailor Moon. I’ll try to set aside my freakish addiction to anime for the moment and follow up on her character instead. She’s a sweet, innocent young girl, who’s always cheerful and perky. She has plenty of (attractive) friends, so she won’t need to cling so badly, and she also has activities outside the “home” (annihilating the forces of evil with magic sparkles) which does mean we’d get to cuddle “after work” instead of her following me around like a shadow. Though naive, she has a certain amount of self-determination that is attractive in a woman, an attitude of “I can do it myself if I have to.”

    Besides, I’d get to wear a tux with cape and a top hat every day or so. Nothing like a little flash and style, right guys?

  3. She-Hulk: Kill
    I know nothing about this character. I don’t mind killing her.

    The Baroness: Fool around.
    One of my childhood’s sex symbols.

    Sailor Moon: Marry.
    I own the series in japanese, spanish and english… and there’s a huge Sailor Moon SS poster above my bed… Oh, and she can use a magic pen to transform into a prostitute (or to have any other profession).

  4. darkvatican

    Baroness: Fool around with, but only because she’s more realistic than Sailor Moon. Also, there is no option to kill her AND Sailor Moon.

    She-Hulk: Marry, because she’s fricking awesome and the best-rounded personality of the group. Cloying and a bit needy? Yes, but most real women are just as “imperfect”, too. lol

    Sailor Moon: Kill, w/out a second’s hesitation.

  5. Fool around with Baroness because I can’t kill her for some reason

    Marry She-Hulk because she is the hottest green bodybuilder I have ever seen (well… to be truthful, the only one)

    KILL Sailor Moon, and I would make it slow and painful (Mwhahahahahahahahahahahaha)

  6. Fool around with Baroness (I bet she’s crazy in bed), marry Sailor Moon (too much sugary goodness, but still marriage material), and kill She-Hulk (Green women just don’t do it for me).

  7. Any chance to kill off some annoying anime/manga character should immediately be taken.

    Do you really want to deal with some psycho control freak bent on taking over the world for the rest of your life? Uh-uh. Fuhgeddaboudit. Can’t resist that naughty librarian look, though.

    So hey, if green chicks are good enough for Capt. James T. Kirk, they’re good enough for me.

    (I feel dirty just posting for this one…!)

  8. Ouch. Apparently my choice was ONLY popular yesterday…

  9. Well, She Hulk dies. Period. She annoys the ‘Fool Around’ out of me, always has.
    Sailor Moon is cute and fun, in a jail bait sort of way, but the constant anime escalating crises would get old.
    The Baroness is perfect marriage material, as long as you are on board with (and useful to) her goals of taking over and ruling the world with an iron fist. And mask. Sounds good to me.

  10. I think you would lose out any way you go. Like Bael said Sailor is jail bate(perverted), the Baroness would kill you first and She hulk might be fun but think of the pain she could put you in if she got carried away.(What a ride, he said on his way to the hospital.)

  11. F:Baroness M:Sailor Moon K:She-Hulk

    That’s what I chose. Baroness is hot librarian action evil, but not someone I’d want to be around twenty-four seven, as you said, watching my back. Sailor Moon is a stable choice considering she’s going to grow up to be queen of earth, even if people around her have a nasty habit of being attacked by episodic monsters. And I personally have no opinion on She-Hulk, so she dies. (Plus, who wants Juggernaut’s sloppy seconds?)

    And, for the record…
    F:The Riddler M:Doctor Doom K:Deadpool (Which won’t succeed, so he’ll just go along on his merry way. As intended.)

  12. F: Duke M: Spider-man K: Batman

  13. @RSC5 and Whit: Now, you two are just creeping me out.

    Assuming you ARE both guys. It’s not like I can see through the screen…

    Hey Jeff, could we add a gender button?????????

  14. Come on Damien. here is my vote.
    F;Jeff M; Damien K; Myself for writing this. !!!!!!!!!!!

  15. I’m a guy.

  16. Believe me, gender is no obstacle for FMK, we will have a male-centric one at some point.

  17. @ Whit: I did figure, since you apparently don’t go by Wilma.

    @ Hammerknight: Please do, because that is just really REALLY disturbing now…

  18. Hey, why all the Sailor-haters? I mean, she’s young and attractive, with a bevy of friends who are young and attractive, and you know they’ll all watch your back. Baroness is just cranky because she’s hit forty and knows she’s sliding fast.

    And She-Hulk…well, shouldn’t she be in the Land of Plenty with her obvious beau the Jolly Green Giant?

  19. I would kill SM. She’s annoying, not attractive and besides isn’t she supposed to be under 18?
    I’d fool around with the Baroness because she’s not trustworthy enough to marry.
    So I guess I’d marry SH. All of you saying things like she may break your spine or whatever are forgetting that by now she probably has very good control over her powers.

  20. J, I’m sure she’s out of high school by now. How long has it been since that show came out? She’s at least a college girl by now, taking courses for masters degrees in International Politics and Advanced Energy Weapon Tactics.

  21. Ok, Patiently awaiting the male one. But if I had to pick an F, it’s she-hulk all the way.

  22. I’m a girl, not that it should matter. Calm down.

  23. @Damien – Look at it this way, how long has Scooby Doo and the gang been teenagers. They are still called kids.

  24. Oh, I’m just kidding RSC5. Never take me seriously unless you can see my face or I use more than 2 exclamation points, ok? :)

  25. @Damian “cranky because she’s hit forty and knows she’s sliding fast” oooh boy you are in for it now. And i was just beginning to like you.
    @Hammerknight Is there something you need to tell me?

  26. Isia, what I truly meant to say, in my rather abbreviated fashion and obvious distraction for anime, was that Baroness is a woman who is having a sort of mid-life crisis. She has reached a point where everything she thought she would accomplish by the age of twenty-five has been steadily pushed back further and further until she has reached her forties. After taking a long hard look at her life, she bitterly regrets the choices she made trying for world domination. Her only love interest is too concerned with running contraband and defeating the armed special forces of good ol’ USA, and doesn’t show her the love and attention she wants. So her personality has devolved into a thick, viscous brew of jealousy, selfishness and rage. Though she might take comfort in other men for awhile, it is Destro she’ll ultimately return to, and woe to the unfortunate dimwit she’s involved with when she decides to hide her transgressions.

    Is that enough to keep me from getting hacked off at the knees? I was under the impression your home and family life was eternal bliss, and not at all filled with rage and violent selfish impulses…

  27. @ Damien At least I can cook her supper and wait on her hand and foot to make up with her, but i think you lit the wrong candle with the forty comment.

  28. I meant nothing specific by forty, I swear! It was just that she looked less than fifty, but obviously has more experience attempting world domination than thirty. And like I said–all life ambitions unrealized, thus cranky.

  29. I’m glad that my shovel fits your hands also. I was needing a break.

  30. Apparently women just come with a shovel. They’re included with “purchase of wife.” Then they can give them to their new husbands and chain them on…

  31. As a recently-turned-forty year old man married to a woman four years his senior, let me give you some advice:

    “You’re beautiful” and “I love you more than life itself” are the only two things any man should say to a woman when the subject of age comes up.

  32. Right up there with “of course you those don’t make you look fat” and “your mother and I do get along”?

    I got lucky myself. When my wife asks about how “these jeans make me look” I can just quote the ever-relevant Sir Mix-A-Lot. (I do like them, and I cannot lie. You other brothers can’t deny.)

  33. Oh, and I’m 6 years older than her, so she’ll NEVER have room to talk on that one…

  34. F: Sailor Moon M: Baroness K: She-Hulk

    I would fool around with SM, she is very attractive and I want that mini-skirt but I don’t want to marry her. Why? Because her BF has the bad habit of being mind-controlled by every single one of her ennemies and used against her. Second, if I were to marry her, I could not fool around with Black Lady, the evil, grown-up, absolutely gorgeous version of her daughter. But if I fool around with her,I might be able to fool around with the daughter…

    I would marry Baronnes because I like strong-minded, strong-willed woman, and that librarian look is to much a turn on for me to get satisfied by a single encounter

    And I would kill She-Hulk, because the less green-skinned, gamma-powered people around, the better.

  35. Wrong answer Damien. Four letter works are bad but when it comes to women the three letter words can get you killed. Age, Fat, old, and a few more that are even unsafe to say here.
    @ Jeff older women are the only way to go. It’s almost the exact same here.(age thing).

  36. Collex don’t let the green peace people hear you say that.

  37. William A. Peterson

    First, I happen to have loved John Byrne’s rendition of She-Hulk, especially in comparison to some of the later renditions…
    I know next to nothing about Sailor Moon (other than the probable fact that she’s ‘jail bait’!), and even less about the Baronness, having never paid much attention to G.I. Joe…
    So, we kill the Super Villainess, and we fool around with She-Hulk, because she’s a Party Girl, and not expecting much in the way of commitment…
    That leaves marriage to Sailor Moon, which is probably a bad idea, but I can at least *suppose* that we’ll wait until she’s at least 18!

    Then, of course, my Wife and ex-Girl Friend hunt down and KILL whoever set this contest up, while I make Popcorn, and watch the whole thing on the Internet! :->

  38. lol@WillyPete! You are so right, I thank my stars every day that my wife doesn’t like computers and doesn’t keep up with this every day or things would get sticky quick.

  39. Regarding Sailor Moon’s Age:

    Usagi was fourteen at the beginning of her story, sixteen at the end (legal in many places, though I don’t personally agree with that), and around a thousand (a nice, late twenties looking thousand) by the thirtieth century when she’s the established ruler of earth. Sometime between sixteen and a thousand she’s married and (already, though not visibly) pregnant. So you know, Mamoru’s been there and hit that.

    Source other than my memory and Wiki: http://snowdrop.hyrule.nu/information_thewedding.php

    (Holy cow, all of this seemed so much more romantic when I was in middle school…)

    @Collex: Excellent Black Lady rationalization! Required internet fist bump!

  40. Once, I rented some anime I don’t really remember now. The first thing on the disc (and hardwired so you couldn’t fast forward it) was a painfully earnest disclaimer. It stated that those all too common sailor uniforms are frequently used in some sort of Japanese junior college programs. It further insisted that it was standard practice for young (but certainly over 18!) Japanese women to attend while living with their parents. Therefore, we should assume that all female characters in their programs were definately not to be construed as under the age of consent, and we silly Americans should wash out our filthy minds with lye soap for even thinking that. Or words to that effect. I forget the details.
    Probably not the same company, but I thought I’d throw that out for your consideration and amusement.

  41. Roadtripper

    Wow, I’m really late to this party. However, duty requires me to impart my wisdom to the internet and post on this.

    For me, it wasn’t such a simple decision.

    1. Sailor Moon dies. No discussion.

    2. If I marry the Baroness and fool around, I die.

    So, marry She-Hulk, fool around w/the Baroness, and of course, kill Sailor Moon.

    Rt