Can “Philly Phanatic” vs Superman be far behind?
I’d like to credit commenter Fabien for alerting me some time ago to the horror that is Razorback’s costume:
I’m going to bet that Razorback’s origin involves having been the University of Arkansas’ mascot when he acquired his powers. That or he really, really loves the smell of bacon. Even if that’s true, though, I honestly can’t imagine anyone would come up with this on purpose without there being some sort of bet or dare involved. I’d love to see the checklist he came up with while brainstorming what he’d use for his super-villainous heroic exploits:
- Basic body suit: check.
- Belt with lots of nifty pouches for carrying keys, wallet, bottle opener, etc: check.
- Cool roll-up gloves and matching tie-across boots: check
- Headgear of some sort of giant animal that makes me top-heavy and likely to topple over: check.
- And whose mouth doesn’t match where my mouth is: check.
- And whose nose completely obscures my vision: check.
The odds are pretty good here that whatever else Razorback does or does not have in his super powered arsenal, he’s planning on doing a lot of head-butting. A lot of that probably went on even before he got his super powers, which is likely the best explanation for how he came up with this ensemble.
In any event, Razorback truly deserves a place in the all-time Bad Super Costume Hall of Shame.
June 25th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Not even a John Byrne drawing can save that costume from much deserved mockery. What the hell were they thinking? I’d love to know what this schmoe’s powers are. How does this guy get ANY respect down the supervillian dive? How does he get through the door without other vicious underworld types peeing themselves laughing so hard? I would think that Victor Von Doom would take his first opportunity to kill him, just because he can.
June 25th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I agree that it’s a bad costume, but believe it or not, he’s not a Villian…………
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Razorback_%28comics%29
June 25th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
“How does he get therough the door without other vicious underworld types peeing themselves laughing so hard?”
How does he get through the door at all in that thing?
June 26th, 2008 at 7:19 am
Thanks for the tip, Eryke, I’ve updated the post. Apologies to the heroic Razorback!
June 26th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
He’s a hero? Oops! My bad. Scratch the whole “how does he get through the door” bit. Instead, it would play out like this:
(INT., morning, Avengers Mansion)
CAPTAIN AMERICA: (looking up from his morning cup o’ joe, perplexed look upon face) Uh, may I help you?
RAZORBACK: Yes! I’m here to apply for the opening in the Avengers roster! I’m short, powerful, can drive any vehicle AND can fire electro-shock thingies from this huge head of mine!
CAP: Wow. That’s, ah, that’s…um…impressive. Sorry, I thought you were here for the Warthogs mascot tryouts (www.warthogs.com). Say, tell you what, if you have a card, I’ll be happy to put you on our list should we have any, ah, openings.
RAZORBACK: Sure! No problem! I have one right here in my back pocket! (tries to twist around to reach back pocket, large head knocking books off the mantle. A porcelain vase crashes to the ground.) Oops! Sorry about that…this head’s a bit…large…(twists around again, knocking Cap’s coffee off the table) Oh my, I’m so sorry…here, let me try…(large head bangs into several hanging pictures, smashing them to the ground) geez, I can replace those…I’m …
CAP: Not to worry…ah…tell ya what…we’ll call you. Really.
June 26th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
later that night…
(EXT, night, Central Park)
RAZORBACK: (distressed, talking to self) Dummy, dummy, dummy! Why did you make such a fool out of yourself in front of Cap? Captain America for crying out loud! Oh, curse this oversized head!
(Suddenly, the air crackles with the discharged energy of a powerful teleportation device. Out of the ether steps…Dr. Doom!)
DR. DOOM: Bah! That fool Richards thought he could hold the power of Doom in his foolish Negative Zone prison! I have proven my superiority over Richards once again! And now I shall take my revenge!
RAZORBACK: (thinking to self) Oh my gosh! It’s Dr. Doom! Now’s my chance to show my worth to Cap and the Avengers! With my super-driving powers, all I need is a truck with which to drive over Dr. Doom! Oh, why can’t you ever find a truck in the middle of Central Park when you need one!
DR. DOOM: (suddenly realizes he is not alone) What manner of foolish creature are you? Your appearance marks you as a buffoon not to be taken seriously! Doom commands you to be gone!
(with a single nonchalant gesture of his mighty armored gauntlet, DOOM unleashes a massive blast of destructive energy at his porcine garbed opponent. RAZORBACK is vaporized in an instantaneous moment of supervillianous aggression. Without so much as a look over his shoulder, DOOM blasts off into the Manhattan night sky)
THE END
June 27th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Excellent work, John! I expect to see a graphic novel treatment on my desk in the morning.
August 11th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
[…] stars in one issue was Santa Claus, another was perennial “Bad Super Costume” favorite Razorback, and yet a third featured zombies fighting vampires, and I sat down at the scanner with a really […]