Re: Herr D’s CFLs

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Herr D

“Mr. Rielsehn?”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Brian, the temp who’s supposed to prepare the books for audit? Today’s my first day, and I’ve already found a problem. Several of these budgeted items make no sense at all.”
“Oh. Well, by all means, read them to me. I’m legally blind, but I know the business–I’m sure I can remember them if you prompt me.”
“Have a seat, son; get comfortable.”
“Uh, okay. Ahem. –The seven company vehicles are listed as having their engines removed ten months ago, but then their transmissions reinforced, then they’ve been insured, registered, and listed as providing transportation, needing tires and brake maintenance as recently as this week.”
“That’s all?”
“What? Um. No? I also notice that you have properly funded all twelve buildings of this rehab clinic in every way but one. You have no therapies listed except a combination of sedatives.”
“Sleeping cold turkey.”
“Anything else?”
“You have employees dubbed ‘shamanistic painting crew’ being paid as withdrawal experts, detox nurses, building and vehicle maintenance, AND security. Large quantities of paint purchases are categorized as detox medications and paintbrushes as hospital equipment. You have all the rooms in all the top floors listed as ‘fuel repositories.’ You have budgeted for water, phone bundling, and trash removal, but the generators you have to power your facility have no money for FUEL.”
“These problems you’ve found aren’t problems, Brian.”
“How can they not be problems, sir? Your budget makes no sense at all!”
“It’s a matter of conversion. Fuel is being extracted directly from the process of detoxifying the patients, from causing them to sleep through ‘the horrors’ or what some professionals have referred to as delirium tremens. The fuel is captured and channeled by the shamanic painting crew, and powers the generators and vehicles. Take a look, if you like–just open that door and climb the stairs . . .
. . . I calculate seventy-seven horsepower for every nightmare!”