Somehow I missed it, but in the mid-80’s DC cleverly slipped a Gay Pride March into the background of one of their “Who’s Who” books, and I think it’s great:

I’ve grayed out the background characters so you can focus in on the brave warriors leading the charge for a comics-wide acceptance of their sexuality. From the very proud “Rainbow Raider” (need I say more about that name?), to the see-through red silk sleeves and striped stockings of “Red Bee”, to the flowery jester-like cowl and low-slung floppy boots of “The Ray”, and finally to the man-on-man flight of love of “Reactron” and “Reverse Flash”, these fabulous men in spandex are finally willing to let it all hang out. It’s long past time gay supers had the freedom to come out of the secret closet and fly proud. I salute you, one and all!

The only question I have regards what’s going on down in the lower left. That’s “Queen” from “The Royal Flush Gang” there in the front position. At first I assumed the character behind her (clearly getting into amorous position) was another female hero, to carry on the gay pride them by including lesbian members. But actually that’s “Quicksilver”, a male character. Apparently he got the memo that this was a Gay Pride event, and tried to dress like a girl in hopes of getting some time with “The Queen”. I give him points for ingenuity, but he’s got no chance, as clearly she’s staring lustily at “Queen Bee” (not shown) on the other side of the cover. After all, no queen worth her salt would waste time with a commoner, especially considering he’s straight and has a reputation for being “extremely speedy”, if you know what I mean.

Professional pride prevents me from commenting on the fact that the artist’s last name is “Colon”. But come on, that’s awesome.

(Characters and images ©1986, DC Comics, Inc.)

I suppose if you’re going to name your super-hero self after a cheap and fruity wine beverage, you ought not to be surprised if your costume also looks cheap and fruity, as if you’ve just staggered out of “your” alleyway after a long drunken night of homelessness:

Perhaps Marvel intended this character as a “What If Batman Became a Wino” sort of thing, but I can’t imagine Bruce Wayne sporting a nifty pencil-thin mustache like that no matter how debased he became. Or maybe this is actually Bruce and Selina “Catwoman” Kyle’s love-child, I don’t know.

Whatever the case may be, you’d have to be pretty hopped up on MD 20/20 to combine black thigh-boots with a plunging, chest-hair-exposing collar like that. The creepy demon face logo and angry manicured nails complete the image of the angry wino looking to get back a little of what’s his. Or at least another bottle of cheap hooch, whichever’s easiest.

(Mad-dog character and image ©1985, Marvel Comics Group, “The Official Handbook of the Marvel Universe”™, Vol. 2, No. 7.)

Here’s how you rip off a popular character owned by a rival comics company, Image style. First, make part of his costume unmistakably derivative:

Look closely, it’s pretty hard to spot! Not.

Then, make sure the derivative costume element is used to stab someone through the chest:

Finally, make sure your art direction and panel layouts are so bad that even the people involved can’t tell what’s going on:

As you can see, Hawk-ripoff-guy says “How’s your gut”, when clearly Brigade (the stabee) had the not-Batman helmet shoved through his rib cage and chest. But hey, at least the gut and the heart are both in the torso, which in Image anatomy is close enough.

(Characters and images ©1993, Rob Liefeld.)

Buddhist monks can waste their time wondering what the sound of one hand clapping is if they want, but as for me and Marvel Comics, we want to know what the sound of one hand crushing a demon alien’s spine is. The answer:

That’s “Fwak-tchh”, from which (which as all linguists know) derives our modern “Fracture”. Marvel, educating the mind and the blood lust at the same time for well over forty years.

(Images ©1993, Marvel Comics UK Ltd., “Battle Tide II”)

Galactus showing up to eat your planet is scary enough, but here’s one of his relatives — Numinus, another universal guiding spirit of that level in the Marvel Universe — who’s even worse:

Can anyone tell me why an ultra-powerful being with the power cosmic decided to host a daytime talk show? I don’t know, but I don’t like it, and apparently neither does Galactus:

You’d think he’d just be happy it was Whoopi Goldberg instead of Rosie O’Donnell popping up in N-Space to interview him, but apparently not so much.

(Edited on January 19 to say explicitly that Numiunus looks like Whoopi Goldberg.)