Make Captain America Great Again

Warning: The Following Is Meant For Parody And Should Not Be Taken Seriously. If You Are Offended By Anything You See Written In This Article Please Feel Free To Keep It To Yourself.

Marvel in somewhat of a crisis. Overall comic book prices are at an all time high and, in February, Marvel's sales hit an all time low, with only 1 of their titles breaking the 100k sales mark (that book being a Star Wars title, so not even a Marvel universe book, and was the start of a new series featuring Darth Maul, a popular character) and their flagship title (The Amazing Spider-Man) hitting only the 60k sales mark. To put that in comparison, when DC hit their record sales low, Batman was still hitting between 100-120k sales. And considering that Marvel have spent the best part of a decade alienating old fans and scaring away new fans, hitting a nadir last year with the reveal that Steven Rogers, the legendary Captain America, was actually a Nazi agent of Hydra. So, what can they do? Well, it's obvious they need a bold new strategy. Something that can Make Captain America Great Again. Well, I'm sure they could do worse than taking a leaf from the current Commander-In-Chief, The President Of The United States, Mr. Donald Trump. Because if anyone knows how to make anything "Great Again", it should be the man who made it his campaign slogan, right? So what advice would the POTUS give to Marvel? Well, I've had some ideas.

-Repeal and replace that issue of the failing Amazing Spider-Man that had Barack Obama on the cover immediately, like, within the first day. And if it can't be replaced immediately, just repeal it now and replace it later. Or just let it fail and don't take any of the blame.

-Build a wall, and it should be a very big wall, very impressive, because you build such great walls. You need to build a wall around Ta-Nehisi Coates and Margret Stohl, because they are obviously very bad dudes, what with their interesting narratives and great characterisation. They write comics about black people and women, not old, rich, white dudes. Sad.

-Ban Kamala Khan from entering publication. She might be a terrorist because she's a Muslim.

-As there is no evidence of a negative change in the sales climate, you should withdraw from all Good Storywriting Accords. After all, you were elected to represent the people of Atlantis, not Attilan.

-Repeal all advances that have been made in womens characterisation. Women are there to be objectified, not to be good characters. Maybe throw a few more rape storylines in there, you haven't done one of those in a long, long time, too long. And of course women should have no agency over their bodies in such circumstances, so you can try with some victim blaming as well if you want. Also, why hasn't T'Challa been grabbing any women by their Black Panther? He's a billionaire who runs a country, that's just what they do. They see a beautiful woman and they just can't help themselves.

-Make sure to alienate as many people as possible with bad decisions. You're not going to need writers, artists or potential customers ever, you can just be self-reliant and isolationist which is a good business strategy. So is appointing your family to important positions, so if you have any kids, make them Editor-In-Chief.

-Allow Magneto and Doctor Doom to join the Avengers, they are good people who have a lot to offer in saving the world and making it secure. I mean, just because I might have said that, doesn't mean it will ever happen. It won't.

-And, of course, all allegations of Hydra interferance in your current storylines are "Fake News". There's absolutely no evidence that the Red Skull ordered the corruption of Captain America (except for all of the evidence coming from your writers). Ignore all of the Fake News covfefe.

-If all else fails, remind everyone how you won the Electoral Cinema, even though "Crooked" Detective Comics are beating you in Publishing Vote. You can just say that millions of those sales are illegal anyway.

JR19759

About JR19759

Email: jr19759@hotmail.co.uk Twitter: @jr19759 Deviantart: JR19759 Deviantart HM Group: Heromachine-Art

5 Responses to Make Captain America Great Again

  1. You just hit the nail right on the Covfefe!

  2. Rekulhs Nathe Rekulhs Nathe

    In complete seriousness though what gonna happen to the Captain America title after Secret Empire form what I heard Marvel isn’t planning anything for Captain America for Legacy or afterwards so what’s going to happen?

  3. [failed giggle stifle, mock salute] You forgot to include the new character, Arrogance Man, with the invulnerable orange hair and remarkably thin skin. Power to permanently enthrall random minds through means as incomprehensible as some of his longer monologues!

  4. Herr D:
    [failed giggle stifle, mock salute] You forgot to include the new character, Arrogance Man, with the invulnerable orange hair and remarkably thin skin. Power to permanently enthrall random minds through means as incomprehensible as some of his longer monologues!

    Orange with a remarkably thin skin? Sort of like The Thing in reverse?

  5. Ooooh. Ben’s practical side, with a bit of “can’t care what those mugs say about me too much,” coupled with a lack of thirst for fame . . . YEAH! REVERSE THING!