Caption Contest 127

It’s time for another new Caption Contest! Your challenge this week is to come up with the best replacement dialog for this comics panel (I’ll make the balloon as big as it needs to be since it’s so small in the actual production):

I’ll pick out some as my personal favorites to highlight in a post next Monday, and then I’ll choose one of those to bear the standard as the “Featured Creator of the Week” atop the right tool bar.

All entries must be left as a comment (or comments) to this post. Keep ‘em clean (appropriate for a late-night broadcast TV show), but most importantly, keep ‘em funny!

No limit to entries, but please, self-edit and only put up ones you genuinely think are good!

94 Responses to Caption Contest 127

  1. Is it just me, or does this smell like cheese?

  2. We have ways to make you talk. For instance, our atomic inducing enema machine…..

  3. My scientists have just informed me that we have found Uranus…

  4. 2 settings, suck or blow? You choose….

  5. This might sting a little.

  6. Your impressive five o’clock shadow is powerless here!

  7. It is because of YOU that Jeff stopped giving out prizes, so now you DIE!

  8. 1. Don’t worry, sir, we’ll knock that gerbil loose this time.
    2. Zis hemorrhoid treatment vas developed in der Hinterlands.
    3. You have something in your teeth. Spinach salad?
    4. I envy you, Ryan Seacrest.

  9. 1. En garde!

  10. Let the torture begin!…..I’m not touching you…..

  11. 1. “Now, Mr. Thompson, my dental practice is unconventional, but also very illegal.”

  12. Sebastian978

    You’re the one who told Jeff to have a spaceship contest, one more move like that and I’ll be picking your teeth with this sword. And furthermore, next time we capture you you better have a shirt on, your getting body hair all over the place.

  13. You will take a bath and put on a shirt, YOU WILL DAMMIT!

  14. Don’t worry, waxing doesn’t hurt.

    I’ll shave your chest if it KILLS you!!

  15. Now, we just make an incision right here with this… doohickey…

  16. LoneWolf6155

    When I said I was going to fire you, I meant out of a cannon into the sun.

  17. 1. Hold on, you got a dude in your eye.

    2. No, Dr. Banner, I expect you to die.

    3. I hate Soylent Green fondue.

    4. Get it? Shish-Ka-BOB!

  18. 1. So, vhat izz jour safe verd?
    2. Vee haff days of making you talk.
    3. Behold, you are now part of my DoucheSignal!!
    4. Where is your Wilson now, Mr Hanks?!
    5. Say my name…Say it!…Say “Captain Sparkles”!

  19. Compensating? What ever do you mean?

  20. 1: You’ve escaped NY and LA, but not me, Snake Pliskin!
    2: Ticklish?
    3: Now for the pants!
    4: This device will turn you into a bald African, Mr. Fury!

  21. Tag! You’re it!

  22. This is going to hurt you more than it will hurt me….

  23. Hold still, Superman. This is the only way we can think of to insert the suppository!

  24. The Shookman

    “What? Of course this is how laser hair removal is done!”
    “Now that I have your attention… let me tell you about this wonderful time share offer!”
    “This is what I think of your ‘casual Friday’ crap!”

  25. Hammerknight

    1. Tickle, tickle.
    2. Just a few more farts and my gas cannon will be ready.
    3. I know, this is not how they do it in the circus.
    4. Your wife said you can drop a really big bomb, so drop it.
    5. Next time you will pay attention in class.
    6. You will feel a small pinch.

  26. The Shookman

    “Damn! He’s awake! I was almost done drawing on him, too…”
    “See this needle? I’m gonna sew your ripped pants! You’re welcome.”

  27. The Shookman

    “Is this blow dryer working?”

  28. 1: “Hm, the laser pointer trick worked much better with my cat.”
    2: “Hey Chuck, I found what’s clogging up the giant novelty vacuum cleaner.”
    3: “So, now, tell me, you ARE voting for President Obama’s reelection….right?”
    4: “Whose skinny jeans look stupid now?!”
    5: “The sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service’ for a reason, you know!”

  29. 1.I want your man-figure sooo… uhhhhh…HI-YA
    2.You have a little something on your chest

  30. You know you wanna be Nazi! *in a babies voice*

  31. You look like superman. Maybe we can do the skylight thing

  32. Hold still, my friend. This industrial prostate examiner is quite painless….

  33. 1. I could just stab you, but that’s why I built this cannon.

    2. About taking “cake day” out of the office budget…

    3. Koochie-koochie koo!

    4. Trust me. How do you think I got these “buns of steel?”

    5. Dang right you can hear me now!

    6. So help me… if you say “Hey, Paul, I can see your house from up here” one more time…

  34. 1- On guard!
    2- On guard!nah, just Kidding!
    3- We need gas! so here come the peas!

  35. Don’t worry, the swords’ only for show; it’s buttoned. But, sadly for you, the atomic accelerator cannon you are strapped to most decidedly is not.

    You don’t need a toothpick, you need some mouthwash! Yuck!

    Is this thing a miniature lance or a sword? Tell me, or i’ll vaporize you!

    Are those pants supposed to be artfully rippped or not?

    Ah, THIS is why it kept jamming!

    What’s up with your ribcage?!?! I’m PRETTY SURE it’s not supposed to jut out sideways like that…

    Do I kill you with the sword or the energy cannon? Hmm…

  36. What are you doing here?!?! Don’t you realize this taychon cannon is private property?

    I found the blockage sir…it appears to be the minion you fired yesterday. Now how did he get up here?

  37. Hmm… Are you positive you don’t have anything larger?

    I won’t kill you…ill just poke you until you scream for mercy!

  38. No, I was not a fencer. Why do you ask?

    They called me mad…imagine the looks on thier faces wehn I prove them right!

    I wonder what sound a gigantic lazer makes? Zap? Zark? Boom, even?

    Ok, no more comments for me. This is the Last. NO MORE, OK!?!

  39. William Peterson

    {With apologies to the Marvel No-Prize Book} “Only one of us is going to walk out of this situation alive, Mr. Logan… and it ISN’T going to be ME!!!” :D

  40. From a Friend leaning over my shoulder:
    “So, this kinky enough for you?”

    From myself:
    Now, we plan on transporting you to New England strapped to this magnet under the helicopter you can’t see behind you. Enjoy the trip.

  41. “Sorry, but giant laser cannon beats rock, you lose.”

    “I’m not untying you, because if I do you won’t learn anything.”

    “Hey, I may not be Catholic, but I think I know how to canonize someone.”

  42. 5: Regenerate from THIS, Wolverine!
    6: No need to waste ammo, I’m just gonna cut the ropes and let you fall down the barrel!
    7: Good luck being the first Iraqi astronaut!
    8: I got the idea by reading Doll Man comics!
    9: And the recoild should send that heliopter into orbit!

  43. 10: You’re sure you don’t want to upgrade your flight?
    11: Cigarette? Blindfold?

  44. Und it comes out here!

  45. YouAlreadyKnowIthink

    -if you continue to move i will poke you really hard
    -all you have to do is lick my sword and this can be over
    -now i can finally count all your hairs with this giant telescope

  46. 1. Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?
    2. Okay sir, if your ready will begin the prostate exam.

  47. spidercow2012

    No one said the vice-presidential runing mate selection process was easy, Paul.

  48. 1. I couldn’t hear you from down there–you want me to cut your THROAT?
    2. The computer down there is broken–the clock is going BACKWARDS! Tell me how to fix it or I stab you!
    3. Dis vill be loudt–shouldt I cut uff yortr eartrs to bee humane?
    4. Are you of high enough caliber hero?
    5. YOU WIN! I give you Hrontasus’ Ebony and Platinum Sword! Now, please, you and your friends LEAVE the Weapon Museum?! The picket line is BANKRUPTING us!
    6. Una momente! ‘De mas-ter vil-lain us- yoos- ah! USUALLY now be-gins an eggo-man-eye-ackle mon-o-log. He speak of . . . neff-are-eye-us plane-‘ –this is hard, no!

  49. 7. You are perhaps wondering why a telescope? I LIKE BIG BUTTS & I CANNOT LIE!

  50. -“I finally have you were I want you Mr. Liefeld, now I, Jeff Herbert, will have my revenge!”
    -“You can’t escape this time Batman. I have secured you to this Hyper-Sonic-Custard-Pie-Cannon with you own Bat-Handcuffs. HA HA HA HA HA.”
    (Sorry, been watching the 60’s Batman TV Series).
    -“What do you mean ‘I must be compensating for something’?”

  51. Jimmy Hettenbaugh

    Boop!

  52. I told them it would be easier to detain you in a cell but do they listen to me ? Nooooo

  53. 1) “This will teach you to wear a shirt!”
    2) “So Steve. You think this idea of yours will REALLY get a trillion hits on YouTube™?”
    3) “So Mr. Bond I have devised a convoluted, and extremely complicated trap I am sure you will figure a way out of!”
    4) “You really think shooting you with this ionic cannon is less painful way of getting rid of excess body hair?”
    5) “Since your about to be blown to oblivion, can I have your collection of Star Trek Action Figures?”

  54. What do you mean “phallic imagery”? Honestly, half you comments go over my head, Captain Literature. I should have poked you with my sword when I had the chance.

  55. Poked with the sword or cannon up the butt…either way, you’re screwed.

  56. Gabe Puratekuta

    “I’ve finally got you, Wolf-Hulk!”
    “Where’s my money, Gary!”
    “There’s no such thing as ‘over the top’!”
    “Heheh, ‘Adam Smasher’! Get it?”
    “Just relax and let us convert your poo into fuel.”
    “FEAR ME!!”
    “Hey, wanna go fishing?”
    “You should’ve pushed the crate, Chris…”
    “FORESHADOWING, BITCHES!”
    “Where did you hide my gun!?”

  57. ”OK sir, I’m gonna start shaving now”

  58. “Kootchie kootchie kootchie koo!”

  59. 1. “Oh, I’ll take you’re freedom.”

    2. “Get the point?”

    3. “How do you get your teeth so white?”

    4. “Damn you’re hairy!”

    5. “How ’bout a shave?”

    6. “Ready to test out my new full-body hair removal system?”

    7. “Welcome to the Savage Lands, Wolverine.”

    8. “Guess what sort of creature lives in this tube.”

    9. “Say hello to my not-so-little friend.”

    10. “Getting shot out of a cannon? Bah! Child’s play.”

  60. Just for the record, this is the dumbest way to remove a loose tooth I have ever heard of.

  61. 2. “This sword? eBay, why do you ask?”
    3. “What do you mean, this isn’t how Donald Trump does it?”

  62. 12: I told you if you came to work in torn jeans again, I’d fire you!
    13: Comfy?
    14: Yes, proctology has come along way since this was built!
    15: Relax. Mr. Kent, this is sure to re-align your spine!
    16: No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to disintegrate!

  63. I told you, “NO ONE is allowed more chest hair than Chuck Norris!”

  64. “As you know, our funding has been cut. Hopefully, Batman will know what we’re trying to do with this.”

  65. “This is the last time I’m going to ask. Should we take the tank, or the helicopter?”

  66. “NO! That is not why it is purple. My son likes Barney the Dinosaur.”

  67. “So, you do not like our mega-destructor ray, slash helipad, slash trainstation. Just wait till we add a starbucks.”

  68. Now I’m gonna’ do what you did to my sister,this will be alot funner!

  69. 1. Doesnt the tip smell weird to you?
    2. So you did not like the Dark Knight Rises?
    3. This machine will rip the hair off your body. To be honest im doing you a favor
    4. Dont you dare tell me how the Dark Knight Rises Ends!!!
    5. Ever Have a rectum examination? Well this is like that….
    6. Whose the Dummy now?!
    7. Dont worry its just a little pinch
    8. You know..Im gonna tell you my whole plan becuase I serouisly think you cant get out of this.
    9. Thats a good question…Why do i carry a sword on top of a huge gun?
    10. I am NOT overcompinsating!!!

  70. 1: No, I’m sorry but there is no ‘G’ in the phrase.

    2: A tank of sharks with arsenic teeth? Seriously? I don’t even…alright, alright, I’ll call someone.

    3: …I love you.

  71. Dan Gonzalez

    If the sword shave or the blast furnace don’t work I have an epilady charging.

  72. The Atomic Punk

    7. My name is Inigo Montoya.

  73. I don’t care if you are protesting against ridiculously over-sized weaponry – get off my Mega Destructo-Cannon this instant!

  74. “I’ll let you go one one condition. Will you be my BFF?”

  75. Question. when does Jeff pic is faves? (kinda anxious)!

  76. ProwlerKnight

    1. Im not touching you…Im not touching you

    2. When you said you needed you’re chest shaved, I didn’t think it was THIS bad

    3. This will teach you, Chuck Norris, for being beaten by Bruce Lee!!

    4. You want to keep singing “somewhere over the rainbow”, I will send you over the rainbow.

    5. In case you are wondering, I haven’t washed this sword in months.

  77. ProwlerKnight

    1. This will teach you to never make fun of my extra finger!! (look at the hand holding the gun)

  78. “I’m only going to ask one more time… Who left the fridge open?!”

  79. Jawsabi:
    Question. when does Jeff pic is faves? (kinda anxious)!

    Results are always announced the following Monday.

  80. Jeff Hebert: Results are always announced the following Monday.

    Hey Jeff, off-topic here, but when are Ian Thomas Healy’s Contest winners going to be announced?

  81. Jack: Hey Jeff, off-topic here, but when are Ian Thomas Healy’s Contest winners going to be announced?

    Good question, I’m not sure what his plan is. I’ll ping him and see what he says.

  82. Bryce Wasley

    1. Want to see Mars? This’ll get you there.
    2. Are those ropes a little tight for you?
    3. This’ll teach you to paint my propellers a bright blue.
    4. I told you, I wanted the propellers blue, not bright blue.

  83. I see you get my…point. Ah aha ahaha. See, I have a sword pointed at you. It’s a visual pun.

  84. “No for your information, I don’t think this duel is a tad unfair.”

    “You won’t win this time Super Douche, Mwahahaha!”

    “Hey, YOU chose this fate…. granted the other choice was front row tickets to the next Justin Bieber concert but still.”

  85. Is your fridge runnin’ ? CuZ U wOn’T bE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! !

  86. The Atomic Punk

    8. How now, brown cow?

    9. Ever have an itch that you just couldn’t scratch?

    10. You’ve got something on your chin.

    11. Simon says, “KA-BLAM!”

  87. 17: You should have gone before we got up here!
    18: Whew! Your feet stink!
    19: Now for the itching powder!
    20: We took your belt and shoelaces away so you couldn’t hang yourself!

  88. 1. “Ztrapped to a cannon swivh a sword to ya troat, only a pistol would make this more humiliating”
    2. “Mother only favored you because of your clean un-ripped clothes – oh how disappointed she’ll be when she sees the mess your going to make
    3. “We all know how i got up here, but how did you?”
    4. “Trespasser, how dare you tie yourself to my canon!”
    5. “Your disguise cant fool me… Mr Bond!”
    6. “Lets see how fast you can really regenerate… Wolverine!”
    7. “This canon sucks gamma rays out of any living being… so what was that you were saying about NOT getting you angry Mr Banner!”
    8. “Rope – check, canon – check, sword – check, pistol – check, only means of escape directly below you… priceless he he hee”
    9. “Whats wrong, i thought you like a bit of bondage..”
    10. “I asked you one simple thing, look after my Farmville while im away… but now my friend, you must die”
    11. “Larry Page, inventor of Google – I demand you revive Ask Jeeves!”
    12. “Why am i not on Wikipedia, answer me!”
    13. “Say one more thing about me having no face, and i will… i will.. oh dam now im spoilt for choice”

  89. ”Many of us have to live with our mistakes; you will die by yours.”

  90. “Welcome to the ending of Temple Run!”

    “An alternate universe? What on earth do you mean Mr Anderson…”

    “Life is like a box of chocolates… I HATE chocolates”

    “I demand you give me your secret recipe Mr Kipling!”

    “So i tell you my evil plan, you break out the ropes, knock me out and escape in the helicopter, but this time try to make it look more real”

    “You wont kill me out of some misplaced sense of self righteousness, and i wont kill you because your just too much fun… and now im bored”

  91. 1. Are you half gorilla or something? I’ve never seen this much hair since I walked in on Robin Williams naked!

    2. How dare you paint my helicopter green and the propellers blue!

    3. You don’t stand a chance of escaping! Those ropes are pure 100% coiled yarn!

    4. Sorry for the sword smell. I was cutting a durian for lunch

  92. YouAlreadyKnowIthink

    -BEHOLD!!! The Teliscopinator-inator!

  93. 21: This device will amplify Yoko Ono until you’re driven MAD!
    22: Now, when Santa tries to climb down this chimney, you grab him!

  94. OK folks, the challenge is ended Results in a moment!