Ewoks vs. Care Bears. Who wins?

We've explored the question of which of these beloved, furry, huggably disgusting children's icons we would want to die, but we haven't ever asked the burning of which group would crush the other in an all-out head-to-head war. So now I ask you:

On the one hand, Ewoks defeated the Empire. Granted it was one planet and a small contingent, but still. Are you prepared to say that, since the Ewoks beat the Empire, if the Care Bears beat the Ewoks then the Care Bears could beat the Empire? The Care Bears? Granted, I would feel an unholy glee at seeing Darth Vader introduce the litte iconic cuties to the harsh edge of a light saber. And the confusion on Happy Fun Bear's face as he fails to fill Darth Maul with feelings of love and puppies with rainbows coming out of their butts would warm the cockles of my dark, shriveled heart.

Wait, what the hell am I talking about?

Oh yeah, the case for Ewoks. Right.

Ewoks have experience waging war against opponents who have superior weaponry. Also, Ewoks have weaponry. I'd like to see a Care Bear hug come face to face with the blunt end of a giant tree battering ram trap.

On the other hand, Care Bears have the power of love. Or something. I don't really know what those grinning rat bastards can do because I could never get through an entire episode without throwing up in my mouth. But maybe -- just maybe -- if we all clap hard enough, the Care Bears will win and through the power of their huggy love chunks would melt George Lucas' heart and he'll let someone else write and direct the next set of Star Wars films.

Lay out your case, folks, for who would win his epic battle. Because face it, no matter which group exterminates the other, we are the real winners.

45 Responses to Ewoks vs. Care Bears. Who wins?

  1. Ok, who’s the smart arses that voted for Care bears?? Come on. Fess up. Take your verbal lashing like men. Or women.

    Those fuzzy little pastel colored bastids wouldn’t know what hit them. It’d be over in minutes. The Ewoks are vicious, cold blooded killers. ready to take down an enemy and sacrifice them to their gods in a blood curdling ritual of fire.

    Stone.
    Cold.
    Killers.

    In the Endor forest, the clarion call of the Ewok hunting horn is enough to send every beast in hearing into a fear induced frenzy, running for their lives. Some animals upon hearing the horn have even been known to kill themselves in order to avoid the Ewoks hunting spear.

  2. The Ewoks no question ask. They have spears and bows and other real weapons. All the Care bears have for weapons is a light show that comes from their stomach, and we hope that it is only light and not a bad gas problem.

  3. Ewoks, obviously.

    Now, on a more serious note. Do NOT expose George “more CGI retcons? What a great idea!” Lucas to Care Bears. We’ll end up with three hours of new extended scenes with the allegedly cute young Annie Skywalker mooning over his mother and Padme.

  4. I say throw hot wax on all of them and rip the little buggers out of existance.

  5. Nick Hentschel

    20 bucks says that they interbreed, instead of fighting…..

  6. Well, obviously it’s gonna be the Ewoks. Cute they may be, but they are devious little mothers. They basically took down the Empire with nothing more than spears and ropes. That’s pretty awesome. Care Bears don’t even compare. What are they gonna do? Care Bear Stare the Ewoks to death?

  7. ams:
    I say throw hot wax on all of them and rip the little buggers out of existance.

    Fairly certain that’s not one of the options, though it certainly would have helped the Empire win at least one battle.

  8. it is a easy choice, Ewoks. I give the care bears about 5 minutes of survival, that being the Ewoks staring in shock and the time it takes to grab enough spears to eradicate the Care Bears.

  9. It’s really quite simple here: The Care Bears are the Krillin to the Ewoks’ Lord Frieza. The Care Bears have done nothing but look pathetic in any guise. Even the most badass Care Bear doesn’t stand a chance against a baby Ewok. Hell, a Smurf could kick a Care Bear’s ass. The Ewoks captured Luke, Han, and Chewbacca. Consider that for a second. A bunch of overgrown teddy bears with a Tarzan fetish captured a Wookiee, a badass space pirate/smuggler and a freakin’ Jedi. Let’s see the Care Bears do that!

    Obviously I went with Ewoks, since the Care Bears are the 80’s/90’s version of the Teletubbies and need to be blown off the face of the earth and then disintegrated so they can never bother a sentient being ever again.

  10. Okay, seriously?! How the hell did Care bears actually get 2 more votes in the last 3 minutes? This makes less sense than the creation of Jar Jar Binks!!!!!!

  11. McKnight57: Okay, seriously?! How the hell did Care bears actually get 2 more votes in the last 3 minutes? This makes less sense than the creation of Jar Jar Binks!!!!!!

    It’s the Pooooooower of Love!

    http://youtu.be/VkAVfsw5xSQ

  12. Jeff Hebert: It’s the Pooooooower of Love!

    http://youtu.be/VkAVfsw5xSQ

    The Power of Love is about to meet the power of a wood chipper.

  13. Jeff Hebert: It’s the Pooooooower of Love!

    http://youtu.be/VkAVfsw5xSQ

    Just to clarify, after watching that clip, I’m fine with Huey Lewis. Good song. It’s those furry little bastards I wan to repeatedly drop-kick into piranha-infested waters.

  14. just for the hell of it, i picked the care bears, and partly because i loved that show as a little girl. An homage to my blue care bear teddy i used to own

  15. I would liked to have seen Wookees vs Ewoks or Wookees vs Gungans rather than Care Bears. Or Wookees vs all of the above LOL

  16. I could so see the Ewoks trying to pass off a Wookie as an Ewok for their basketball team.

  17. Let’s see: Ewoks have bows and arrows, spears, rope traps and battering ram log traps that can topple imperial walkers. Care Bears can make you feel full of love and happiness (or make you feel nauseous, depends on how much you hate them).
    Bit of a no-brainer for me, really.

  18. Care Bear St-Ghaak!

    That’s the sound of the Care Bears trying to mount an offensive against the Ewoks before suddenly getting stuck by spears and arrows, or strangled with bolas.

  19. Do Care Bears taste like candy? I think the Ewoks will answer that question for us after a wonderful ceremony. I do think the bear with the shamrock on his chest might taste like whiskey so they might have a great party.

  20. The care bears shall be trampled beneath the Ewoks (who shall be riding their war My Little Ponies) as they slaughter them for defiling the name of all short, bear type creatures. This fight would be so ridiculously one-sided it shall rip a hole in the space-time continuum that would result in the birth of one Jar Jar Binks. In fact, this must have already occurred, since that vile creature in fact exists…

    Now a fight I would want to see would be Wrex from Mass Effect vs Chewie. A 1000 year old Krogan Battlemaster vs a Wookie who could tear your arms off would be AWESOME!

  21. my first thought was ewoks, but i’d die right away from the creepiness of care bears.

  22. Depends. Are the Care Bears likely to ‘attack’ before the Ewoks know they’re present? If not, then Ewoks – that’s the only way I can picture the Care Bears having a chance. If they do have the chance however, and are willing to take it (they’re not devious, so it’s not likely they would), then they might stand a chance. (Think about what the CBStare is – effectively, I picture it as the kiddish psychic equivalent of passing around the lotus…or, for those who wouldn’t get that reference, for passing around the ‘special’ brownies. It’s not quite full-blown brainwashing, but…)

    The actual battle of fictional small furry things I’d kind of like to see would be Ewoks vs. Hokas. I figure that would make for an interesting evening’s entertainment.

  23. Care bears… omg how idea… ewoks are cool!
    Also Endor is a cool planet!
    And Star wars is also cool!
    Ok.. not all- Jar Jarbinks is uncool.
    Next time Jar Jarbink vs Care bears?
    Then i vote care bears.

  24. Kytana:

    Next time Jar Jarbink vs Care bears?
    Then i vote care bears.

    Good call Kytana. I think it would come down to a battle of annoyance. The Care Bears would make him rip out his eyes from their annoying (and slightly disturbing) level of 4 year old girl-ness but then having to listen to Jar jar ramble on about nothing would either make their ears bleed, cause mass aneurysms or induce spontaneous combustion. Actually that last one could go either way, because the Care Bears would definitely cause the same thing after a Care Bear Stare into something as empty and soulless as Jar Jar Binks.

    So yeah, that’s my 2 cents already on something that hasn’t even happened on HM yet.

  25. Lucas originally wanted the final battle to be Wookies not Ewoks. Either budget or sheer logistics made it impractical at the time. The sad compromise was rabid squirrels with spears.

    So, imagine my disappointment in Episode III when the Wookie battle was as epic as my 5-minute work lunch of Fritos and ice water.

  26. Nick Hentschel

    Kytana:
    Care bears… omg how idea… ewoks are cool!
    Also Endor is a cool planet!

    Damn straight! I’ve always thought the Ewoks were a scream: any pint-sized people that can rig up viable hang gliders and Walker-destroying machinery without even having metalworking technology, has my respect! And all that those big, bad, Imperial bastards had done, seeing them ripped apart by an army of angry teddy bears was poetic justice.

    YUB-YUB!!!!

  27. ewoks, hands down i mean ewoks are awsome little creatures with stones and spears that kills people and what i know from mad (a tv show) and “listening” to my little sister the carebears SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  28. William Peterson

    Besides which, the Care Bears have never joined Rogue Squadron as X-Wing pilots… 😀

  29. I know the Ewoks are going to win this one by a landslide… All i have to say after that is: “Jeff, we better see a SOD depicting the end of that fight.”

  30. Corran Horn:
    The care bears shall be trampled beneath the Ewoks (who shall be riding their war My Little Ponies) as they slaughter them for defiling the name of all short, bear type creatures. This fight would be so ridiculously one-sided it shall rip a hole in the space-time continuum that would result in the birth of one Jar Jar Binks. In fact, this must have already occurred, since that vile creature in fact exists…

    I say that Ewokes win hands down. However if the Carebears had my little ponies, then the Ewokes wouldn’t stand a chance.

  31. Me, Myself & I

    I’m with Worf on this one. SOD, SOD, SOD . . .

    🙂

  32. everyone loses: 99% of Care Bears die in quick melee before the best Ewok traps come out. 15% of Ewoks die in scramble for sheer clumsiness and confusion. Surviving CB tries stare, but surviving Ewoks have an allergic reaction, frenzy, killing last CB and all but 2 male Ewoks. Last 2 males die trying to cure each other’s wounds because of inferior healing knowledge.

  33. hyperanthropos

    Gotta admit, this is one VS-Match I never thought I would see. Me thinks Hell hath just frozen over.

    My first thought was that the Ewoks would win the battle. After all, the Ewoks have weapons and are skilled in combat.
    On secound thought the Care Bears are thougher than they seem. They may not have spears and arrows, but they do have those strange powers that they can use for different reasons. They can emit beams that can destroy demons. Remember, the Care Bears may be cute and cuddly, but they always triumph over that dark wizard (Whatshisname?)
    So I believe the fight would come to a standstill. If the Ewoks attack, the Care Bears would perhaps not use their abilities to kill the Ewoks, but they could use them in a defensive way.
    I like to point out that I can’t imagine any scenario where Ewoks and Care Bears would do battle. The Care Bears are too much pacifists for bloody combat, and while the Ewoks are admittably very wild beings and familiar with battle, they have never been shown as agressive and bloodthirsty conquerors. On the contrary, the Ewoks are basically your “Noble Savages” who only attack, when they were attacked first or felt threatend. Since the Care Bears aren’t threating and would never attack the Ewoks first, a reason for a fight eludes me.

  34. I voted for Ewoks.
    I find this whole poll to be a sterling example of going with the lesser of two evils. How many ‘machinist respondants (like me) out there wouldn’t say a good word about Ewoks until the alternative was Care Bears?
    By the way, I went on Wikipedia to see if there was something about Care Bears’ powers or abilities that could tip the balance, and found there that the CBs were originally created for greeting cards. For my money, this is far worse than a movie based on a video game.

  35. I can tell you who the true loser is: anyone who had a childhood in the 80’s! Between the Care Bears raping the saturday morning time that should have gone to M.A.S.K (hell, even GoBots would’ve been better), and Ewokes raping Wookie screen time; we all lost!

  36. When you not have enough from ewoks look at this:

    Or in german:

    As a child i like it, but at this time i dont know that the series came
    from the Star wars universe.
    But ewoks not always cute:

  37. But ewoks not always cute:

  38. The stormtroopers. 😀

    Personally i vote for the ewoks. I think a lot of ewok died when the carebears hug them, but the melee skills are +1 for the ewoks.

  39. …it seems like little contest. I wonder if there’s some sort of divergent evolution involved. Although, one would wonder why the Care Bears continued to exist when they obviously have far too many natural and far superior enemies (as in everything else in existence). Also, they have no natural defenses… They also have no biological niche. What is the biological purpose of rainbow generation? It almost hurts my brain to over-think this.

    Ewoks ftw.

  40. I voted for Care Bears. I think everyone has forgotten the Care Bears’ secret weapon. Wish Bear. A few well-placed and violently explosive wishes and the Ewoks are toast.

    Care Bears for the win!!!!

    And yes, I have a young child. And yes, I’ve seen more Care Bears than a man of my age should legally be allowed.

  41. Ewoks: Pros: Can take down an entire battalion of elite soldiers and scout walkers with rocks, sticks, and rocks tied to sticks.
    Cons: Not very advanced, or overly intelligent
    Care Bears: Pros: Can shoot Gamma Radiation/love out of their hearts, are capable of intelligent (????) thought, Have mastered teleportation, if their ranks thin, they can go to any random local and find more toys/friends
    Cons: Apathy is their Achilles Heel, not difficult to defeat.
    Gotta go with the Ewoks on this. This may or may not be due to my status as a Star Wars nerd, and I hate anything too lovey-dovey.

  42. Me, Myself & I:
    I’m with Worf on this one. SOD, SOD, SOD . . .

    Nice to see you check in, MMI. Double job is still killing you, I’d imagine.

  43. Worf:
    I know the Ewoks are going to win this one by a landslide… All i have to say after that is: “Jeff, we better see a SOD depicting the end of that fight.”

    I think there’s already one from WAY WAY back, but a new one would be awesome!

  44. Let’s see, Ewoks carry weapons. Ewoks build traps. Ewoks go hunting. Ewoks fight foes more powerful than they are (and in some cases ten times their own size).

    As a kid I liked Care Bears but even then I would have put money down on the Ewoks. And with the recent retool I’d say the Ewoks stand even less of a chance.