With a hearty tip-o-the-cowl to The Great Batman Equipment Archive, I present to you the opportunity to choose from the Master of the Cool Gadget's collection of goodies for your very own personal use:
Quick, to the Bat Argument Room!
When I was a kid, they advertised various gadgets in the back of comic books. I only ever ordered one thing -- a Batman grappling hook and line. Visions of being able to finally climb up the big pecan tree by the house danced in my head for weeks, until finally it arrived in the mail ... and was a cheap piece of plastic about two inches long with a dental floss line attached. You'd be lucky to use it as a back scratcher. Childhood dreams dashed, I never ordered anything from a comic again.
But now that I am grown up, I can fantasize about a REAL bunch of Bat gadgets! So here are some of the more entertaining possibilities:
- "Dark Knight" Batmobile: On the one hand, it would be awesome to rumble through rush hour traffic in this thing, crushing the slower motorists beneath your knobby tiers. On the other hand, I bet that thing gets, like, four miles to the gallon. And gas ain't cheap!
- Batarangs: With a bewildering array of options on these babies, I have to say this is a tempting choice. Spinning razor blades of death, grappling lines, programmable 4-villain computerized mode, sonic bombs, you can do it all. Except throw them with any kind of accuracy, because we ain't Batman, folks.
- Grapple Pistol: I'm talking about a version of the one Michael Keaton uses in the original Batman movie. I actually think this would be a ton of fun. Imagine you're standing at the bottom of a cliff, and rather than climbing it, you just FOOM and presto, you're being yanked to the top! Hitting every rock along the way with your non-Kevlar-protected head.
OK, imagine you're at the MALL, and the escalator is just way too slow, so ...
- Shark Repellant Bat-spray: I can't count the number of times I have been under attack by sharks and thought, "If I only had some Shark Repellant Bat Spray!". That's because you can't really count to zero, and I just blew your mind!
- Ice Skate Boots: These are the pop-out kind seen in the epic fight against Mister Freeze in the movies. I have to admit, this might be handy, if you're in a frozen climate.
- Anti-penguin Gas Pills: I know, I know, penguins look harmless and cute in their little tuxedos with their pot bellies. But don't let them fool you, those beaks are vicious! The next time you're at the zoo and you get savaged by a roving gang of punk-ass penguins, you'll be glad you chose this option.
- Bulletproof Soles: From the Adam West Batman movie. I can't even imagine what good it would do you to have bulletproof feet, but only on the bottom. Are you often shot at by criminals on the floor below you? Is the bottom of your foot a particularly tempting target for the average person?
- Mini Chainsaw: This would probably be almost as good against roving bands of punk-ass penguins as the gas pills, but a lot more visceral.
- Kevlar Gorget: None of my gorgets are made of Kevlar, and it would definitely complete my collections. So that's tempting. Plus, my wife is constantly trying to garrote me.
- Batcuffs: This is probably the most directly useful item on the list, at least for a certain segment of the population into a certain kind of recreation.
I think the grapple gun would be the most fun, though also very dangerous. It's hard to pass up a mobile tank, though, even if the fuel charges would be ruinous. I can't count the number of times I wished my vehicle mounted a cannon, although now that I see that written out, perhaps it's for the best I don't.
So, I'm going with the grapple gun. That thing is awesome.
Which would you pick, and why?