Caption Contest 99

With hearty thanks once again to Glenn3's "Say What? Pictures", your challenge this week is to come up with the best replacement dialog for this comics panel:

This is a toughie as you have two different balloons for which you must provide dialog. Be sure to not in your entry who's saying what, as in:

Man: I'm marrying Miss Piggy and I don't care what you say!
Woman: Pork you!

You can see why it's a good thing I can't enter these, I'd just embarrass myself. Anyway, the best entry (as judged by yours truly) wins the author's choice of either any item they like or any portrait to be included in HeroMachine 3′s final release, or a custom black and white “Sketch of the Day” style illustration (you pick the subject, I draw it however I like).

All entries must be left as a comment (or comments) to this post. Keep ‘em clean (appropriate for a late-night broadcast TV show), but most importantly, keep ‘em funny! That might be a challenge given the nature of this week's panel, but I'm sure you can pull it off.

This week we have a cap of no more than five (5) entries per person, so make 'em your best!

74 Responses to Caption Contest 99

  1. Avatar gero says:

    1. Man: Hows THIS for a chauvinistic pig?
    Woman: Ahhh!!

    2. Man: Why are you screaming? You said to give you a porking!
    Woman: It was just a euphemism!

    Note: #2 might be a bit beyond “keep it clean” standards, so let me know if I need to re-do it…

  2. Avatar Hammerknight says:

    Man,”This move I call the Pork Chop.”
    Woman,”Wow, it is effective against a gun.”

    Man,”Squeal like a pig, squeal.”
    Woman,”What do you mean, I have a pretty mouth.”

  3. Avatar Hammerknight says:

    Man,” You’ll tell no one that I’m the Pork to Pork killer.”
    Woman,”I swear I won’t squeal.”

  4. Avatar Joshua says:

    1. Man: It figures! Only I would bring a pig to a gunfight!
    Woman: Ham-fisted idiot!

    2. Man: I warned you what I would do if you didn’t keep it kosher!
    Woman: Oy vey!

    3. Man: Woman, when I want a McRib, I want it now!
    Woman: OK!!

    4. Man: How fitting! Killing a cop with a pig!
    Woman: Stop or I’ll shoot!

  5. Avatar Hammerknight says:

    Man,”All day long all I hear is, This little piggy went to the market, This little piggy stayed home…, Will this little piggy is going to knock the piss out of you.”
    Woman,”Noooo!”

  6. Avatar Hammerknight says:

    Man,”The other white meat my a$$.”
    Woman,”Don’t hurt him, I love him.”

  7. Avatar Joshua says:

    5. Man: …all with a side of ass kickin’!!
    Woman: This luau is over!!

  8. Avatar Log-Man says:

    Man: Tofu bacon!? Here’s what I think of your tofu bacon!

    Woman: You carnivorous bastard!

  9. Avatar Worf says:

    1) Man: Honey, I brought home the bacon!
    Woman: Oh, a pig with a pig… Figures.

  10. Avatar Mr.Chris says:

    Man: “A butcher can’t wear yellow pants? I’ll show you”
    Woman: “I want a divorce.”

    Man: “I won’t let you shoot Babe, I WON’T”
    Woman: “Out of the way, Farmer Brown.”

  11. Avatar Gargoyle323 says:

    Man:”The pig pen is mightier than the sword!”
    Woman:”But not my gun!”

  12. Avatar Gargoyle323 says:

    Man:”Now throw your pig in the air and shake it like ya’ don’t care!”

    Woman:”Go DJ,go DJ go!”

  13. Avatar Zaheelee says:

    Man: I told you pigs are more effective than guns!
    Woman: NO! Swine flu!!!!!!

  14. Avatar Gargoyle323 says:

    Man:”You think I’m boring? I’ll show you BOAR-ING!”
    Woman:”You did not just say that”

  15. Avatar Gargoyle323 says:

    Man:”Another crime solved by detectives Pork and Beans!”
    Woman:”Rats!”

  16. Avatar Dr. Shrinker says:

    Man: Any last words before I go whole hog on you?
    Woman: Yes, where’s the beef?

  17. Avatar dblade says:

    Man: Sweetie, I’m not one to tell you how to do your job but there might be a more efficient method of butchering.

    Woman: Now whose the trained chef here? LAUNCH!

  18. Avatar McKnight57 says:

    1. Man – This little piggy went a-smashing!
    Woman – Stop! You know I hate pigs in this house!

    2. Man: Th-th-th- that’s all the last time you bring me to a slaughterhouse.
    Woman: I forgot you were a vegetarian this week.

    3. Man: You’ll do as a weapon, Pig. You’ll do.
    Woman: Wait! That’s not the line from Babe!

  19. Avatar dblade says:

    Man: “You cannot resist the seductive moves of the Porktusi!”

    Woman: “Oh, sweet bacon and sausage!”

  20. Avatar TopHat says:

    1. Man: That’ll do pig. That’ll do.
    Woman: What did you call me?!

    2. Man: This is what you get for calling my acting ‘Hammy’!
    Woman: This isn;t ironic, it’s stupid!

    3. Man: How did it come to this?
    Woman: LSD. That’s how.

  21. Avatar ajw says:

    man:I’m Jewish!
    woman: I forgot!
    (if it’s offensive I’m sorry, and it can be removed.)

    man:shazham!(he he ham. Get it?)
    woman:Billy noooo!!!!

    man:Where’s the applesauce?!!
    woman:I’m sorry peter! Jan forgot. (extra points for a reference 25 plus years older than me.)

  22. Avatar frankie says:

    Man: “Don’t you know, the pig is mightier than the gun?”

    Woman: “This isn’t a Gieco commercial, you idiot.”

  23. Avatar frankie says:

    Man: “….And in that butcher shop he grabbed a pig carcas. Uh-oh, uh-oh, no.”

    Woman: “With a pig slap here. And a pig slap there.”

  24. Avatar MangaBotte says:

    Man: Are ya achin’ for some bacon?
    Woman: I’m vegan, you idiot!

  25. Avatar Joel says:

    Man “PORK fun at me now!”

    Woman “Oh no a HAM-bush!”

    Man “Good luck saving your bacon.”

    Woman “Enough PUN-ishment!”

    Man “How’s this for hamming it up?”

    Woman “Well it was worth a shot.”

  26. Avatar Steve M. says:

    Man: “Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig, does whatever a Spider-Pig does…”
    Woman: “NOT THAT SONG AGAIN!!!”

  27. Avatar Mr.MikeK says:

    Man: Rock beats Scissors, Pig beats Gun!
    Woman: Nothing beats Pig!

    Man: No More Bacon Jokes, Ever!
    Woman: Yes, Daddy Dearest.

    This is one of those panels I would love to know what the original dialog was. I can’t see any serious conversation that would fit.

  28. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer says:

    Man: Some prophecies fulfill themselves!
    Woman: What!?

  29. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer says:

    Man: Nobody ever suspects the guy carrying a pig!
    Woman: I knew it!

  30. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer says:

    Man: Too much pork will kill you!
    Woman: Oh, instant irony!

  31. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer says:

    Man: You can’t spell “slaughterhouse” without “laughter”!
    Woman: What does that even mean?

  32. Avatar Bud says:

    Man: I’m going to HOG tie you after this.
    Woman: You really BUTCHERED that joke.

  33. Avatar HairWhip says:

    Man: Swine Attack Activate!!
    Woman: Maybe our L.A.R.Ping is getting to realistic…

  34. Avatar Sutter_Kaine says:

    Man: Why, you were hiding under the pig the whole time!
    Woman: It was the one place I thought you’d never look.

  35. Avatar McKnight57 says:

    4 Man: Hey, look, a flying pig! Crap, now I have to change out of these yellow pants!
    Woman: Flying pigs in a slaughterhouse? Really?!

  36. Avatar Sutter_Kaine says:

    2)
    Man: Ahhh! Spider!
    Woman: Ahhh! Man in yellow pants swinging a pig!

  37. Avatar Tool says:

    Man: By the power of grey pig I’ll crush you.
    Woman: Ahh!

    Man: I’m going to make you squeel!
    Woman: Not if I can hypnotise you with this low cut shirt first.

    Man: I’ll show you what a real pork chop looks like.
    Woman: I’ll shoot the upstairs neighbor before I cook for you again.

    Man: …and this lil piggy cried wee as it smashed on your head!
    Woman: Stop or I’ll shoot.

    Man: This is what you get for shooting your mouth off!
    Woman: Well if you knew how to bring home the bacon!

  38. Avatar remy says:

    Man: Whaddya mean it’s not kosher?!
    Woman: Sorry!

  39. Avatar Watson Bradshaw says:

    man: You always said you wanted to “meat” John Hamm?
    woman: You Mad Man!

    man: you said you would date me when pigs fly!
    woman: well played sir.

    man: This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I’m talkin’ to whoever’s listenin’ out there.

    woman: Don’t Panic! It’s Only Me, Gracie Law!

  40. Avatar D says:

    Man: Got a cure for this pig?

    Woman: Sure. Honey or smoked?

    Man: What’s with that gun?

    Woman: Bullets.

    Woman: What’s with that pig?

    Man: Apple sauce.

  41. Avatar punkjay says:

    Man:I told you eat the darn pork sandwich!
    Woman: For the last time you twit I AM JEWISH!!!

  42. Avatar Sutter_Kaine says:

    Man: Hey, look! Swine flew!
    Woman: It’s swine FLU, you idiot!

    Man: This one works the triceps.
    Woman: The P.I.G. fitness system can be yours for three low payments of $19.95!

  43. Avatar Dan Gonzalez says:

    Man: These new dances are getting complicated!
    Woman: You’re stepping on my foot, moron!

  44. Avatar MartianBlue says:

    Man: So your leaving me for Tom The Butcher, are you!?
    Woman: Not before I see you bleed like a stuffed pig!

  45. Avatar MartianBlue says:

    Man: Hold still you’ve got a huge spider on you!
    Woman: NOO! Wait!

  46. Kaldath Kaldath says:

    Man: It takes a Pig to kill a Sow
    Woman: You Swine!

  47. Avatar Joel says:

    Man “You’re walking a SWINE line missy.”
    Woman “I better PIG my words carefully.”

    Man “STYE where you are! This is a stick up!”
    Woman “SOW could this happen?!”

  48. Avatar Dudemeister says:

    #1:
    Man: So I’m a chauvinist pig, am I? I’ll show you a chauvinist PIG!
    Woman: Did I say pig? I meant chauvinist marshmallow…

    #2:
    Man: Okay, KGB Agent Anya, are you ready to begin target practice shooting of capitalist pigs?
    Woman: Da, I am ready! Throw the pig!

  49. Avatar Dan says:

    Man : “I thought you said you wanted me to throw around the old pigskin?”
    Woman : I mean a football you idiot!”

  50. Avatar Joe says:

    man: You know how heavy this pig is?
    woman: 300 pounds?

  51. Avatar Whit says:

    #1

    Man: How many times do I have to tell you I KEEP KOSHER?!
    Woman: But John, it’s CHRISTMAS!

  52. Avatar Whit says:

    #2

    Man: We are slaughtering this pig and that’s FINAL!
    Woman: But… but the SPIDER WEB…

  53. Man: ¡Jamón!
    Woman: ¿Por qué?

    Man: Wilbur smash!
    Woman: Not in the face!

    Man: This is how you play “Rock, Paper, Pig!”
    Woman: Moron.

    @Watson Bradshaw(39): Are your dues paid, Jack? 😉

  54. Avatar Joel says:

    Man “It’s a hog eat hog world.”
    Woman “I must PORK my next move carefully.”

  55. Avatar frankie says:

    Man: “I really need to get this pig off my back!”

    Woman: “Pig? Have we run out of monkeys?”

  56. Avatar Rapthama says:

    1)
    Man : You buy this pig!
    Woman : No money!
    2)
    Man : Hail Hitler!
    Woman : Wrong house!
    3)
    Man : I’ll smash your boyfriend with my girlfriend!
    Woman : Noo not my boxy!
    4)
    Man : This is not a piggy bank you gave me, right?
    Woman : It just eats your leftover money.
    5)
    Man : Nicole, we’re having a baby!
    Woman : Will you stop talking with your ex-wife?!

  57. Avatar Bael says:

    Man: You said that you’d let me have a divorce when pigs fly!
    Woman: Throwing them doesn’t count!

  58. Avatar Kountkill says:

    1)
    Man: “I don’t need a pig, I’m a tailor!”
    Woman: “Yes, but how else are you supposed to make Lady Gaga a new dress?!”

    2)
    Man: “According to the Kama Sutra, this next move’s a little tricky.”
    Woman “Y’know, I think I suddenly have a headache.”

  59. Avatar Kountkill says:

    3)
    Man: “There’s got to be a easier way to tenderize meat.”
    Woman: “Just keep swinging”

    4)
    Man: “What do you mean I misunderstood you?”
    Woman “I said “Men ARE pigs!”

    5)
    Man: “I told you I’d whip out my meat!”
    Woman: “Worst. Blind. Date. Ever!”

  60. Avatar jamesinchains says:

    Man: What do you mean Hog roast? I asked for beef!
    Woman: But darling, it’s for the pigs in blankets!

  61. Avatar Kountkill says:

    1 revised)
    Man: “I don’t need a pig, I’m a tailor!”
    Woman: “But…Lady Gaga needs a new dress!”

    Sorry, I realized that the first time around I made her response a little too big for that word balloon, so a little editing to shorten it was in order.

  62. Avatar Antman76 says:

    Man: Dear put the gun away. No need to hunt I brought home dinner.

    Woman: Um, exactly where did you pull that out of?

  63. Avatar Myro says:

    Man: “Pearl, I will show you how to cast swine before you!”
    Woman: “Dummy! You’re doing it wrong!”

    I’m sorry. It’s hard to come up with something original this in the contest.

  64. Avatar GalacticKetchup says:

    Man: PORK JUSTICE!
    Woman: WTF?

  65. Avatar Danny Beaty says:

    1. MAN: I’m going to make chitlins!
    WOMAN: You don’t have the guts!

    2. MAN: It’s time for Pork and Mindy!
    WOMAN: I’ll cancel you!

    3. MAN: Ready to see hog heaven?
    WOMAN: Ready for a bullet?

    4. MAN: Can’t we just flush it down the toilet?
    WOMAN: No, it’s too big!

    5. MAN: If it’s wrong to fall in love with a pig then shoot me!
    WOMAN: My pleasure!

  66. Avatar Danny Beaty says:

    I think Joel’s Ham-bush joke wone this one!

  67. Avatar Danny Beaty says:

    Excuse me, won this one.

  68. Avatar Whit says:

    #3

    Man: “That’s it, you’re gonna get death by hamhock!”
    Woman: “Sorry, no, Glock beats hock!”

  69. Avatar X-stacy says:

    Yellow Pants: “Just hold still and it’ll be over in a moment.”
    Green Dress: “You always say that!”

  70. Avatar abominal401 says:

    “…this little piggy SMASHES THE WOMAN!!!”

  71. Avatar dblade says:

    @ abominal401 (70): Just add an exclamation for the woman and I think you have a contender.

  72. Avatar Steve says:

    “Ya wanted bacon, here’s your freakin’ bacon!”
    “What about my eggs?!”

  73. Avatar defectreject says:

    Man: “I told you I wanted dinner cooked and ready when i
    got home woman!” Woman: “You said rare!”

  74. Avatar Dre says:

    Man: Gun versus pig – Who wins? Huh! Huh?
    Woman: Nobody wins, Dan!