Caption Contest 99

With hearty thanks once again to Glenn3's "Say What? Pictures", your challenge this week is to come up with the best replacement dialog for this comics panel:

This is a toughie as you have two different balloons for which you must provide dialog. Be sure to not in your entry who's saying what, as in:

Man: I'm marrying Miss Piggy and I don't care what you say!
Woman: Pork you!

You can see why it's a good thing I can't enter these, I'd just embarrass myself. Anyway, the best entry (as judged by yours truly) wins the author's choice of either any item they like or any portrait to be included in HeroMachine 3′s final release, or a custom black and white “Sketch of the Day” style illustration (you pick the subject, I draw it however I like).

All entries must be left as a comment (or comments) to this post. Keep ‘em clean (appropriate for a late-night broadcast TV show), but most importantly, keep ‘em funny! That might be a challenge given the nature of this week's panel, but I'm sure you can pull it off.

This week we have a cap of no more than five (5) entries per person, so make 'em your best!

74 Responses to Caption Contest 99

  1. 1. Man: Hows THIS for a chauvinistic pig?
    Woman: Ahhh!!

    2. Man: Why are you screaming? You said to give you a porking!
    Woman: It was just a euphemism!

    Note: #2 might be a bit beyond “keep it clean” standards, so let me know if I need to re-do it…

  2. Hammerknight

    Man,”This move I call the Pork Chop.”
    Woman,”Wow, it is effective against a gun.”

    Man,”Squeal like a pig, squeal.”
    Woman,”What do you mean, I have a pretty mouth.”

  3. Hammerknight

    Man,” You’ll tell no one that I’m the Pork to Pork killer.”
    Woman,”I swear I won’t squeal.”

  4. 1. Man: It figures! Only I would bring a pig to a gunfight!
    Woman: Ham-fisted idiot!

    2. Man: I warned you what I would do if you didn’t keep it kosher!
    Woman: Oy vey!

    3. Man: Woman, when I want a McRib, I want it now!
    Woman: OK!!

    4. Man: How fitting! Killing a cop with a pig!
    Woman: Stop or I’ll shoot!

  5. Hammerknight

    Man,”All day long all I hear is, This little piggy went to the market, This little piggy stayed home…, Will this little piggy is going to knock the piss out of you.”
    Woman,”Noooo!”

  6. Hammerknight

    Man,”The other white meat my a$$.”
    Woman,”Don’t hurt him, I love him.”

  7. 5. Man: …all with a side of ass kickin’!!
    Woman: This luau is over!!

  8. Man: Tofu bacon!? Here’s what I think of your tofu bacon!

    Woman: You carnivorous bastard!

  9. 1) Man: Honey, I brought home the bacon!
    Woman: Oh, a pig with a pig… Figures.

  10. Man: “A butcher can’t wear yellow pants? I’ll show you”
    Woman: “I want a divorce.”

    Man: “I won’t let you shoot Babe, I WON’T”
    Woman: “Out of the way, Farmer Brown.”

  11. Man:”The pig pen is mightier than the sword!”
    Woman:”But not my gun!”

  12. Man:”Now throw your pig in the air and shake it like ya’ don’t care!”

    Woman:”Go DJ,go DJ go!”

  13. Man: I told you pigs are more effective than guns!
    Woman: NO! Swine flu!!!!!!

  14. Man:”You think I’m boring? I’ll show you BOAR-ING!”
    Woman:”You did not just say that”

  15. Man:”Another crime solved by detectives Pork and Beans!”
    Woman:”Rats!”

  16. Dr. Shrinker

    Man: Any last words before I go whole hog on you?
    Woman: Yes, where’s the beef?

  17. Man: Sweetie, I’m not one to tell you how to do your job but there might be a more efficient method of butchering.

    Woman: Now whose the trained chef here? LAUNCH!

  18. 1. Man – This little piggy went a-smashing!
    Woman – Stop! You know I hate pigs in this house!

    2. Man: Th-th-th- that’s all the last time you bring me to a slaughterhouse.
    Woman: I forgot you were a vegetarian this week.

    3. Man: You’ll do as a weapon, Pig. You’ll do.
    Woman: Wait! That’s not the line from Babe!

  19. Man: “You cannot resist the seductive moves of the Porktusi!”

    Woman: “Oh, sweet bacon and sausage!”

  20. 1. Man: That’ll do pig. That’ll do.
    Woman: What did you call me?!

    2. Man: This is what you get for calling my acting ‘Hammy’!
    Woman: This isn;t ironic, it’s stupid!

    3. Man: How did it come to this?
    Woman: LSD. That’s how.

  21. man:I’m Jewish!
    woman: I forgot!
    (if it’s offensive I’m sorry, and it can be removed.)

    man:shazham!(he he ham. Get it?)
    woman:Billy noooo!!!!

    man:Where’s the applesauce?!!
    woman:I’m sorry peter! Jan forgot. (extra points for a reference 25 plus years older than me.)

  22. Man: “Don’t you know, the pig is mightier than the gun?”

    Woman: “This isn’t a Gieco commercial, you idiot.”

  23. Man: “….And in that butcher shop he grabbed a pig carcas. Uh-oh, uh-oh, no.”

    Woman: “With a pig slap here. And a pig slap there.”

  24. Man: Are ya achin’ for some bacon?
    Woman: I’m vegan, you idiot!

  25. Man “PORK fun at me now!”

    Woman “Oh no a HAM-bush!”

    Man “Good luck saving your bacon.”

    Woman “Enough PUN-ishment!”

    Man “How’s this for hamming it up?”

    Woman “Well it was worth a shot.”

  26. Man: “Spider-Pig, Spider-Pig, does whatever a Spider-Pig does…”
    Woman: “NOT THAT SONG AGAIN!!!”

  27. Man: Rock beats Scissors, Pig beats Gun!
    Woman: Nothing beats Pig!

    Man: No More Bacon Jokes, Ever!
    Woman: Yes, Daddy Dearest.

    This is one of those panels I would love to know what the original dialog was. I can’t see any serious conversation that would fit.

  28. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer

    Man: Some prophecies fulfill themselves!
    Woman: What!?

  29. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer

    Man: Nobody ever suspects the guy carrying a pig!
    Woman: I knew it!

  30. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer

    Man: Too much pork will kill you!
    Woman: Oh, instant irony!

  31. Blue Blazer Blue Blazer

    Man: You can’t spell “slaughterhouse” without “laughter”!
    Woman: What does that even mean?

  32. Man: I’m going to HOG tie you after this.
    Woman: You really BUTCHERED that joke.

  33. Man: Swine Attack Activate!!
    Woman: Maybe our L.A.R.Ping is getting to realistic…

  34. Sutter_Kaine

    Man: Why, you were hiding under the pig the whole time!
    Woman: It was the one place I thought you’d never look.

  35. 4 Man: Hey, look, a flying pig! Crap, now I have to change out of these yellow pants!
    Woman: Flying pigs in a slaughterhouse? Really?!

  36. Sutter_Kaine

    2)
    Man: Ahhh! Spider!
    Woman: Ahhh! Man in yellow pants swinging a pig!

  37. Man: By the power of grey pig I’ll crush you.
    Woman: Ahh!

    Man: I’m going to make you squeel!
    Woman: Not if I can hypnotise you with this low cut shirt first.

    Man: I’ll show you what a real pork chop looks like.
    Woman: I’ll shoot the upstairs neighbor before I cook for you again.

    Man: …and this lil piggy cried wee as it smashed on your head!
    Woman: Stop or I’ll shoot.

    Man: This is what you get for shooting your mouth off!
    Woman: Well if you knew how to bring home the bacon!

  38. Man: Whaddya mean it’s not kosher?!
    Woman: Sorry!

  39. Watson Bradshaw

    man: You always said you wanted to “meat” John Hamm?
    woman: You Mad Man!

    man: you said you would date me when pigs fly!
    woman: well played sir.

    man: This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I’m talkin’ to whoever’s listenin’ out there.

    woman: Don’t Panic! It’s Only Me, Gracie Law!

  40. Man: Got a cure for this pig?

    Woman: Sure. Honey or smoked?

    Man: What’s with that gun?

    Woman: Bullets.

    Woman: What’s with that pig?

    Man: Apple sauce.

  41. Man:I told you eat the darn pork sandwich!
    Woman: For the last time you twit I AM JEWISH!!!

  42. Sutter_Kaine

    Man: Hey, look! Swine flew!
    Woman: It’s swine FLU, you idiot!

    Man: This one works the triceps.
    Woman: The P.I.G. fitness system can be yours for three low payments of $19.95!

  43. Dan Gonzalez

    Man: These new dances are getting complicated!
    Woman: You’re stepping on my foot, moron!

  44. MartianBlue

    Man: So your leaving me for Tom The Butcher, are you!?
    Woman: Not before I see you bleed like a stuffed pig!

  45. MartianBlue

    Man: Hold still you’ve got a huge spider on you!
    Woman: NOO! Wait!

  46. Man: It takes a Pig to kill a Sow
    Woman: You Swine!

  47. Man “You’re walking a SWINE line missy.”
    Woman “I better PIG my words carefully.”

    Man “STYE where you are! This is a stick up!”
    Woman “SOW could this happen?!”

  48. Dudemeister

    #1:
    Man: So I’m a chauvinist pig, am I? I’ll show you a chauvinist PIG!
    Woman: Did I say pig? I meant chauvinist marshmallow…

    #2:
    Man: Okay, KGB Agent Anya, are you ready to begin target practice shooting of capitalist pigs?
    Woman: Da, I am ready! Throw the pig!

  49. Man : “I thought you said you wanted me to throw around the old pigskin?”
    Woman : I mean a football you idiot!”

  50. man: You know how heavy this pig is?
    woman: 300 pounds?

  51. #1

    Man: How many times do I have to tell you I KEEP KOSHER?!
    Woman: But John, it’s CHRISTMAS!

  52. #2

    Man: We are slaughtering this pig and that’s FINAL!
    Woman: But… but the SPIDER WEB…

  53. Man: ¡Jamón!
    Woman: ¿Por qué?

    Man: Wilbur smash!
    Woman: Not in the face!

    Man: This is how you play “Rock, Paper, Pig!”
    Woman: Moron.

    @Watson Bradshaw(39): Are your dues paid, Jack? 😉

  54. Man “It’s a hog eat hog world.”
    Woman “I must PORK my next move carefully.”

  55. Man: “I really need to get this pig off my back!”

    Woman: “Pig? Have we run out of monkeys?”

  56. 1)
    Man : You buy this pig!
    Woman : No money!
    2)
    Man : Hail Hitler!
    Woman : Wrong house!
    3)
    Man : I’ll smash your boyfriend with my girlfriend!
    Woman : Noo not my boxy!
    4)
    Man : This is not a piggy bank you gave me, right?
    Woman : It just eats your leftover money.
    5)
    Man : Nicole, we’re having a baby!
    Woman : Will you stop talking with your ex-wife?!

  57. Man: You said that you’d let me have a divorce when pigs fly!
    Woman: Throwing them doesn’t count!

  58. 1)
    Man: “I don’t need a pig, I’m a tailor!”
    Woman: “Yes, but how else are you supposed to make Lady Gaga a new dress?!”

    2)
    Man: “According to the Kama Sutra, this next move’s a little tricky.”
    Woman “Y’know, I think I suddenly have a headache.”

  59. 3)
    Man: “There’s got to be a easier way to tenderize meat.”
    Woman: “Just keep swinging”

    4)
    Man: “What do you mean I misunderstood you?”
    Woman “I said “Men ARE pigs!”

    5)
    Man: “I told you I’d whip out my meat!”
    Woman: “Worst. Blind. Date. Ever!”

  60. jamesinchains

    Man: What do you mean Hog roast? I asked for beef!
    Woman: But darling, it’s for the pigs in blankets!

  61. 1 revised)
    Man: “I don’t need a pig, I’m a tailor!”
    Woman: “But…Lady Gaga needs a new dress!”

    Sorry, I realized that the first time around I made her response a little too big for that word balloon, so a little editing to shorten it was in order.

  62. Man: Dear put the gun away. No need to hunt I brought home dinner.

    Woman: Um, exactly where did you pull that out of?

  63. Man: “Pearl, I will show you how to cast swine before you!”
    Woman: “Dummy! You’re doing it wrong!”

    I’m sorry. It’s hard to come up with something original this in the contest.

  64. GalacticKetchup

    Man: PORK JUSTICE!
    Woman: WTF?

  65. Danny Beaty

    1. MAN: I’m going to make chitlins!
    WOMAN: You don’t have the guts!

    2. MAN: It’s time for Pork and Mindy!
    WOMAN: I’ll cancel you!

    3. MAN: Ready to see hog heaven?
    WOMAN: Ready for a bullet?

    4. MAN: Can’t we just flush it down the toilet?
    WOMAN: No, it’s too big!

    5. MAN: If it’s wrong to fall in love with a pig then shoot me!
    WOMAN: My pleasure!

  66. Danny Beaty

    I think Joel’s Ham-bush joke wone this one!

  67. Danny Beaty

    Excuse me, won this one.

  68. #3

    Man: “That’s it, you’re gonna get death by hamhock!”
    Woman: “Sorry, no, Glock beats hock!”

  69. Yellow Pants: “Just hold still and it’ll be over in a moment.”
    Green Dress: “You always say that!”

  70. abominal401 abominal401

    “…this little piggy SMASHES THE WOMAN!!!”

  71. @ abominal401 (70): Just add an exclamation for the woman and I think you have a contender.

  72. “Ya wanted bacon, here’s your freakin’ bacon!”
    “What about my eggs?!”

  73. defectreject

    Man: “I told you I wanted dinner cooked and ready when i
    got home woman!” Woman: “You said rare!”

  74. Man: Gun versus pig – Who wins? Huh! Huh?
    Woman: Nobody wins, Dan!