Poll Position: Indiscriminate carnage, Wolverine style

I thought I would combine two of my favorite things -- cartoons and violence -- for this week's Poll Position:


Obviously this has been inspired by the recent run of "Ewoks Vs." sketches of the day. But why limit our scope to just cartoon-on-cartoon violence, when we can expand it into the world of super powers? I mean, if Ewoks can roast the likes of a Snarf or a Papa Smurf, surely Wolverine can do much, much worse.

After the jump I will (and I can't believe I am writing this sentence) analyze the merits of Wolverine berserking his way through a mass of cartoon characters of various sorts.

  • Care Bears: I admit, I hate the Care Bears. They're just that perfect combination of squishy and sappy that, let's be honest, is perfectly formulated to spatter in a most satisfactory manner beneath razor sharp adamantium claws. I like to imagine one of them looking up with soulful eyes as Wolverine bears down on it saying "You must be Angry Bear!" just before impact. Good times.
  • Ewoks: The big advantage to Ewoks is that they're not really animated, so instead you'd have to go full-on major motion picture level special effects. And that would be awesome. Hugh Jackman's a little too sweet to pull this off with the visceral level of rage that would really be required, though, so they'd probably have to contract the part off to someone with no soul and the capacity to act like a mindless idiot. I hear Vin Diesel's available.
  • Muppets: I can't support this, I love me some Muppets. Plus they're actually stuffed with foam, and foam doesn't spatter. I am now officially worried about myself.
  • My Little Ponies: My wife would probably leave me if I suggested violence against any sort of horse, even incredibly annoying animated ones. So this is out for me.
  • Smurfs: Maybe if the havoc so wreaked is excessive enough, we can stop the Smurfs movie from actually being released. And that would be a mercy for all of us.
  • Minions: The little goggled guys from "Despicable Me" are sooooo cute! I think their adorable laughs and giggles would be precious as they were flung against the walls in tatters in Wolverine's wake. What, they're ultimately bad guys, aren't they?
  • Fraggles: I don't have strong feelings about Fraggle Rock one way or the other, but I figured some of you might, so have at it.

As far as I can tell, Care Bears are just pure evil. It's not even close -- get ready to slice and dice, Logan, I see Care Burgers in your immediate future.

How about you, intrepid readers, what would you like to see? Noting, of course, that this is all tongue-in-cheek. Mostly.

23 Responses to Poll Position: Indiscriminate carnage, Wolverine style

  1. Avatar Me, Myself & I says:

    I’d go with either the Little Ponies or the Fragles, only because the Ewok’s haven’t dealt with them here yet. For my sanity I still think the Telle Tubies need their share in the limelight here as well.

  2. Avatar Gene says:


    I have four children,so I’ve seen them all.

    Without a doubt, Barney.

    Teletubbies would be a real close second.

    And Jeff; Ouch! Not a Vin Diesel fan I take it?

  3. Avatar Oquies says:

    That is a tough one…I think Ill have to go with care bears though. I also agree with MMI the Telle Tubies should be on the list.

  4. Avatar Oquies says:

    Oh ya. You don’t seem to like Vin Diesel. That is too bad I liked most of the movies hes done kind of does a heartless guy that turns out not to be all that heartless but w/e.

  5. Avatar Jeff Hebert says:

    OK, Teletubbies added to the list.

  6. Avatar haz says:

    Care Bears. Mostly because I keep envisioning them bleeding rainbows of whatever happy symbols they have on their stomachs. I can see the pink one (I think it’s the pink one) collapsing while hearts and glitter fountain out from a disemboweling gash.

    Not the Muppets! Leave the Muppets be! Though I can see Statler and Waldorf offering up MST3K style commentary (with a bite) on the ensuing battle.

  7. Avatar Bael says:

    I’m liking Ewoks a lot these days, but they’d make a more interesting contest of it than any of the others. Wolverine cutting his way out of nets, Wolverine plucking arrows out of his body, Wolverine getting smashed between two giant logs, Wolverine getting kicked a hundred fifty yards by a rogue scout walker… Too good to pass up.

    Besides, Care bears probably just pop like soap bubbles or something.

    Unless they tear open like pinatas… Hmmm…

  8. Avatar Danny Beaty says:

    This is totally off subject but I hope the next character contest is a public domain chracter redo.

  9. Avatar Danny Beaty says:


  10. Avatar Joshua says:

    I’m relieved that I’m not the only one here who couldn’t deal with any sort of violence being perpetrated upon the Muppets. Damn it– I love a felt frog, is that wrong?

  11. Avatar Me, Myself & I says:

    I used to like the Fraggles and Carebears too. But that was a long time ago . . . and I got better.

  12. Avatar Me, Myself & I says:

    He he Bael you just gave me an evilly gleeful little thought. Carebears as Eok Pinata’s . . . that’s too good to pass up.

  13. Avatar Me, Myself & I says:

    or the Telle Tubbies as Pinata’s. That’d be OK too.

  14. Avatar invisiboy says:

    I’m tempted to say either Ewoks or Minions, since both of those guys are capable of violence and would make it a fair fight. But if we’re going to assume Wolvie wins no matter what, I’ll definitely have to say Teletubbies. I used to watch that show back before I knew any better, and looking back now its probably the worst tripe ever manufactured for children. Even Barney and the Care Bears at least had a personality. I can’t see how anyone not on drugs could have found that show entertaining.

  15. Avatar UesugiWarrior says:

    I’m as anti-muppet as you can be, but the Care Bears still need to be annihilated. But since no one else will i’ll vote for Muppet Mutilation Mayhem. Coz Kermit is lame, and Miss Piggy could do with a tummy tuck, Wolverine style.

  16. Avatar Gargoyle323 says:

    I agree, we don’t want to see the cute little Muppets getting harmed….wait a minute, they aren’t really alive ? Oh well, then let the evisceration begin !!! BWA-HA-HA-HA !!!

  17. Avatar MScat says:

    hahaha any of these would be great. Im leaning to the recently added teletubies…They are so annoying!!!! I would like to see the tvs scratched out of their stomachs with razor sharp wolverine claws! All that would need to happen is have one walk up and say: “Uh Oh!” and that would be the last words ever spoken (besides screams of terror) Hahaha wow i think this has really brought out the dark side of everyone lol Thanks 😉

  18. Avatar Jack Zelger says:

    To be honest, after seeing all these abused cutesy characters, I’d like to see the tables turned and see Wolverine getting his ass kicked by some Care Bears.

  19. Avatar Montana Player says:

    I do hate me some Teletubbies. I can see Wolverine having a beer with Animal so no to the Muppets. And I can envision hom living with Ewoks, being at one with nature, hunting down Stormtroppers LOL

  20. Avatar Oquies says:

    Hehe I like how the Teletubbies are winning when they were not even on the original list.

  21. Avatar Neon Sequitur says:

    Teletubbies must die.

    Am I the only one here who’s not sure Wolverine could finish off all the Muppets? Sure, most of ’em wouldn’t put up a fight, but when he got around to taking on ANIMAL!!! then things would get interesting.

  22. Avatar knight1192a says:

    WHERE’S BARNEY & FRIENDS!!!! Everyone knows Barney is pure evil. Heck, in the ’90s a computer game was created called “Die Blarney” with the villans being a purple T-rex whose constantly repated tag line was “I love you.” Why was the came created? Because Barney is evil and folks just wanted to kill him. And of course Blarney was used as the name to attempt avoiding a lawsuit, but we all knew the truth.

    Let Logan loose on Barney & Friends!!!!

  23. Avatar Mr.MikeK says:

    Don’t make me choose! They are all so annoying (except for the muppets, that’s my childhood). I despise Care Bears, My Little Ponies, and all the other excessively sweet crap on the list. Most of these are nothing more than drug induced hallucinations that the creators put on film.