I thought I would combine two of my favorite things — cartoons and violence — for this week’s Poll Position:
Obviously this has been inspired by the recent run of “Ewoks Vs.” sketches of the day. But why limit our scope to just cartoon-on-cartoon violence, when we can expand it into the world of super powers? I mean, if Ewoks can roast the likes of a Snarf or a Papa Smurf, surely Wolverine can do much, much worse.
After the jump I will (and I can’t believe I am writing this sentence) analyze the merits of Wolverine berserking his way through a mass of cartoon characters of various sorts.
- Care Bears: I admit, I hate the Care Bears. They’re just that perfect combination of squishy and sappy that, let’s be honest, is perfectly formulated to spatter in a most satisfactory manner beneath razor sharp adamantium claws. I like to imagine one of them looking up with soulful eyes as Wolverine bears down on it saying “You must be Angry Bear!” just before impact. Good times.
- Ewoks: The big advantage to Ewoks is that they’re not really animated, so instead you’d have to go full-on major motion picture level special effects. And that would be awesome. Hugh Jackman’s a little too sweet to pull this off with the visceral level of rage that would really be required, though, so they’d probably have to contract the part off to someone with no soul and the capacity to act like a mindless idiot. I hear Vin Diesel’s available.
- Muppets: I can’t support this, I love me some Muppets. Plus they’re actually stuffed with foam, and foam doesn’t spatter. I am now officially worried about myself.
- My Little Ponies: My wife would probably leave me if I suggested violence against any sort of horse, even incredibly annoying animated ones. So this is out for me.
- Smurfs: Maybe if the havoc so wreaked is excessive enough, we can stop the Smurfs movie from actually being released. And that would be a mercy for all of us.
- Minions: The little goggled guys from “Despicable Me” are sooooo cute! I think their adorable laughs and giggles would be precious as they were flung against the walls in tatters in Wolverine’s wake. What, they’re ultimately bad guys, aren’t they?
- Fraggles: I don’t have strong feelings about Fraggle Rock one way or the other, but I figured some of you might, so have at it.
As far as I can tell, Care Bears are just pure evil. It’s not even close — get ready to slice and dice, Logan, I see Care Burgers in your immediate future.
How about you, intrepid readers, what would you like to see? Noting, of course, that this is all tongue-in-cheek. Mostly.