Poll Position: The proportionate strength of …

People have been bitten by all sorts of crazy things over the years and gained super-powers as a result. Spider-Man, of course, is the classic example, but even Back In The Day you had The Whizzer getting bitten by a mongoose and for whatever reason gaining super-speed and a hat like a goose. Or eagle, chicken, whatever, when you’ve got mongoose blood coursing through your veins, the last thing you’re worried about is fashion coherence!

So the question is:

{democracy:125}

I’ve left exactly which powers you get up to you, because every animal has both savory and unsavory attributes. I mean, imagine if Peter Parker had gotten spinnerets in his, er, posterior, the way a real spider does, instead of in his wrists. Unpleasant.

  • Cat: Although several cat-themed characters exist (Cat-Man, The Black Cat, Cat Woman, etc.), I don’t think any of them got their powers by being bitten. If you’re lucky, you get super reflexes, the ability to see in the dark, always landing on your feet, and incredibly agility. If you’re unlucky, you get super hairballs, the compulsion to obsessively lick yourself, and a super indifference to other living beings.
  • Cow: You have to work at it to be bitten by a cow, I admit. But this is a radioactive cow, so maybe it was driven to irritability by the power of the atom, who knows. It’s hard to see much good coming out of this, although I suppose the prospect of being able to shoot super high-powered streams of milk from your nipples would be decent. I’d certainly be curious to see what kind of villains that would give rise to.
  • Dragonfly: Flight and quickness are very appealing possibilities, but unfortunately I don’t see much beyond that. According to “The Dragonfly Website FAQ“, however, “large dragonflies will sometimes try to bite, but they fail to break the skin.” That doesn’t sound like much of a super-power. “With the might of a mutant dragonfly, his powerful jaws … FAIL to break the skin!”
  • Dog: One assumes the frenzy of rabies doesn’t count as a super-power, so instead we’d hope for things like super-powerful olfactory senses, super-hearing, incredible endurance, super-strong jaws, and that sort of thing. To some degree this would depend on the dog breed, of course. A Doberman-powered radioactive bite would make for a Superman style power set, but I shudder to think what would result from a radioactive Mexican Hairless or Chihuahua. Super-shivering and hyper-nervousness FTW!
  • Dung beetle: OK, I stole this idea from a “Dilbert” cartoon. You’d almost be forced into super-villainy, because let’s be honest, the power to consume waste and poop out something good is not exactly inspirational.
  • Ferret: Ferrets are agile, lightning-fast, and wily, all great bases for a super-hero. Add in keen tracking ability and a Spider-Sense-like ability to avoid danger, and this one has real potential. Sadly, the prospects for an accompanying super-bad-smell are also high.
  • Horse: Living with five horses, I can confirm that they do bite from time to time. The only super-power I’ve ever seen result was a super desire to run screaming from other horses, but none of the ones I saw were radioactive. So. Clearly, super speed and endurance and a heightened awareness of danger would be the upside. The downside would be a super-powerful urge to pee or poop on pretty much anything in sight. Not pretty.
  • Mongoose: The evidence of “The Whizzer” aside, I wouldn’t think of super-speed as the likeliest outcome here. Toughness and quickness, yes. Plus a strong hatred of snakes. I think maybe the GI Joe corps should look into this ….
  • Monkey: Super poo-flinging powers GO!!
  • Scorpion: I think Spider-Man has a villain based on the scorpion, but his powers come from a suit. I am too lazy to look this up online — we’re talking several clicks here, people, I can’t be expected to shoulder that kind of load! — but still, the possibilities of built-in super-scorpion abilities are pretty appealing. Wicked bad poison, lightning quick-strike ability, the tough armored shell, multiple limbs. Plus, you could make your lair look like a giant shoe so you could curl up in it. What’s not to love!?
  • Shark: Appealing, but you’re much likelier to survive the initial radioactive bite from one of the other members of the list.
  • Snake: Like the shark, getting bitten by a radioactive version of an already deadly-poisonous creature carries significant risks. But the venomous snakes are the ones with the most appealing possible super-power set. Moving crazy like a sidewinder, or having the super venom spitting ability of a pit viper, or the hypnotizing power of the cobra, those would be cool. But what if you got bitten by a garter snake or garden snake? Not so impressive.
  • Weasel: I just like to say “weasel”.

For me, I’d go with the ferret. I tend to play thief-like characters in most games, and it seems like you’d be ideally suited to spying and sneaking with super-ferret powers. The runner-up for me would probably then be weasel, because I’ve always been fascinated by the possibility of a career in law. Ha ha! Just kidding, all you lawyers out there, you know I love you.

Which animal would you choose to gain super-powers from if bitten?

20 Responses to Poll Position: The proportionate strength of …

  1. Using Axe Cop logic, I think one can survive a radioactive bite from a shark. So, that’s what I’m picking. FREEZE OR I’LL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF!

  2. You know, there was a Spiderman story once, years ago. I think it was around the time Peter Parker published his Book ‘Webs’ with all the Spidey picts in it. He was on tour, someplace in the Midwest and he encountered Jack-Rabbit.

    A man bitten by a radioactive rabbit. He had speed, leaping, a super kicking ability, and a ‘hunters sense’ – he always knew when someone was stalking him.

    Yeah. Radio-active Bunny.

    Not sure what I’d go for hear on the list. Ferret sounds cool. Though Monkeys are also very strong and agile (Cool Poo Flinging ability aside).

    (And Yes, Scorpion got his abilities from a suit)

    I suppose in the end I’d go with Dog (Preferably Wolf) for the strength, speed and senses, but only if I could have a female sidekick that had been bitten by a radio active cat. We’d be romantically involved, and living together. Our door bell and ring tones would be a recording of Bill Murray yelling, “Dogs and Cats living together, mass hysteria!!” and only we’d get the joke.

    But, hey, that’s just me. I’m at work and bored.

  3. If I remember right Spider-Mans webs come from a devise that he made. Because he was always running out of web when he really needed it.

  4. I went with “cat” just because it’s most likely (my cat attacks me every year at shot time, plus a random stray has gotten into my home and fought to stay there before).

    And a super indifference to other living things could come in handy, if you don’t have enough power to really make the world a better place. Can’t stop global warming? Don’t care, as long as it doesn’t affect me. Can’t overcome inner-city poverty? Not my problem! I could be, like, a super-Republican!

  5. I pick an ant. Super strength, a tough exoskeleton, and (if bitten by a pre-mating male escort) the ability to fly. Perhaps even a way to use formic acid as a weapon, and tunneling ability.

  6. I don’t think I have to say which animal I chose, do I?

  7. Wow, You know, this could be a fun and interesting idea for a competition. Build your super-hero based upon the radioactive animal they’ve been bitten by. Here’s another couple of ideas. What about a Bombardier beetle? The abilitie to spray noxious, burning chemicals upon your enemies would be incredible (same potential problem as the spider-thing though). Of course the obvious skunk is an idea also with the disad of being incredibly near-sighted. Oh, here’s a thought. What about being bitten by an iguana or komodo dragon? Vicous claws, scaled body, cenemous/posionous bite in the case of the dragon and the possible disadvantage of growing to huge sizes anbeing stalked through the streets of New York by Matthew Broderick.

    Still, I think this could be a cool character contest.

  8. Reminds me of “Venison Boy” on Robot Chicken.

  9. I almost went with the scorpion, but ended up voting for the dragonfly. Flying trumps stinging in my book. :D

  10. William A. Peterson

    Sorry, but I just don’t want Super Powers THAT bad! ;)

  11. RIddle me this: What do you think would happen if one were bitten by a radioactive….human?

  12. Cat: The power to compel everyone around you to feed, water, house, and attend to your every whim. No matter how often that you ignore then turn around and bite them. That, and the super-ability of not having to learn English or cleaning your own messes.

  13. Well, actucally, if I want to put my nerd hat on (And I almost always do) it wasn’t the spiders radioactive nature that gave him his powers. The spider was in fact, and ‘animal totem’ which passed it’s power onto Peter before it’s radiation poisoning killed it. Yeah.

    Anyway, if I was 100% certain to get powers I’d go with the Scorpion. Claws, and a badass tail.

  14. I picked cat for well what type of cat is it?

    But I gota say I learned from Fire Candy( a manga) that being part Cow isn’t something to laugh at

  15. Do you get to maintain a relatively human appearance?

  16. Had to go shark on this. I mean, strength, speed, an insane bite, skin that can cut, and at least some form of healing factor.

    Best of of all: Shark don’t get cancer! After all, almost every major super hero gets hit with some sort of gas or ray that causes it. Apparently if you can’t beat them, cause a horrible debilitating illness to make them show up less.

    Too bad that doesn’t EVER work.

  17. Definitely dragonfly for me, simply for the flight.
    Although I do like PCFDPGrey’s bombardier beetle idea. Might be more suited to a supervillain, what with the whole spraying noxious chemicals bit.
    Has anyone thought of mythical animals? Imagine the possibilities of a chimera, or a griffin…

  18. @Tophat:
    No, it was the radioactive spider bite. Even if, as the Ezekial arc(s?) suggest, the spider was trying for the totemic effect, the radiation interfered with that – Parker’s blood is radioactive, and anything the totemic nature might have generated is tainted by that. As he himself said, “I’m not pure”.

  19. Okay, well I went and did it. Bored, and this thread gave me some inspiration. I present to you Wolfen and his Sidekick Tigress.

    http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/fI2xQc4fMYnjDhRwqHtqpQ?feat=directlink

    http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/7mJ3WD1aeMt7vDd2pIvSlQ?feat=directlink

    Dogs and Cats living together….Mass Hysteria!!

  20. out of that list id go with shark or mongoose. But id rather have Wolf.