Caption Contest 67: BRAKASH!

I think it's time we had a full-throated, two-page-spread, Image super-sized caption contest, complete with flying ponytails, ridiculous facial hair, unhinged jaws, incomprehensible female anatomy, outsized onomontoPOWia, no backgrounds, and all the rest of the high quality you've come to expect from the Nineties. Only one thing is missing -- bad dialog! That's where you come in. Whoever comes up for the best or funniest or most appropriate replacement dialog for this vintage Image Nineties panel wins either a portrait or any item of their choosing to be included with HeroMachine 3!

brigade-10-1994-liefeld-brakash

The rules are simple:

  1. Keep it clean, appropriate for late-night broadcast television;
  2. No more than three entries per person;
  3. All entries must be left as a comment (or comments) to this post.
  4. I'll make the balloon as big as needed to fit the winner.

That's it! Good luck everyone, and as usual I'll announce the winner next Tuesday.

Of course, I can't just let this go without a little gratuitous Image-Nineties-bashing. So skip this bit if you are sick of that kind of thing.

First, the guilty parties here do not include Rob Liefeld directly. The issue was laid out by EricStephenson, penciled by Anthony Winn, and inked by Marlo Alquiza.

Let me start with the big fellow. I've rarely seen such a disastrous combination of costume elements outside either an Disney "Beauty and the Beast" Ice Capades show or a professional wrestling bout, what with the lion mane hair and the gigantic pony tail that seems to be coming from the middle of his back. Add to that his need to put a giant "A" on his costume TWICE -- right on top of each other -- and I can only conclude we're dealing with someone deeply divided by his dual loyalties to crappy haircuts and worse fashion.

Strangely his pony tail is not the only thing askew in his design, as someone has surgically planted an addition index finger where his pinky would be, if pinkys grew out of the palm of your hand. That's just weird. But maybe it goes with all those extra shoulder muscles and rib cage whatzits going on down there in the thorax region. I will be tactful and not go into his plane-flat groin area. Maybe that's why he's so angry.

What really bugs me about this whole composition, though, is that in typical Image Nineties fashion they haven't a clue what to do even with the great tools they've been provided. Here we've got the holy grail of the comics industry, a whole two-page spread. Those used to be rarer than hot chicks at Star Trek conventions. Image, to its credit, introduced a much higher rate of these big action-oriented layouts, but they've completely botched it in this case.

Look, part of what's great about this kind of spread is that you can show much more detail and dynamic action than trying to jam it all into a little panel. But they've left out the background, shrunk one of the two figures down to an afterthought who's severed by the bottom border, and crammed the most interesting and dynamic guy into a forced crouch. He looks squished and cramped and yet it's a WHOLE PAGE! Plus they orient the whole thing side-scroll fashion, further flattening the action instead of making it burst out of the page.

That about sums up the Image Nineties for me. Complete failure even at the stuff they were supposed to be good at. Utter lack of comprehension about what to do with page layouts and what makes comics interesting. If you ever get the chance, find a copy of the Walt Simonson "Thor" issue where every single page was a full-page splash to see how it should be done! For instance, here is Thor bashing his way out of the mouth of the Midgard Serpent through its teeth:

fnfthordentist05

Now there's a panel that explodes right off the page and into your laps, folks.

OK, rant over. Return to your regularly scheduled caption contest now.

(First image from "Brigade" number 10, ©1994, Rob Liefeld. Second image from "The Mighty Thor", © Marvel Comics, Inc.)

69 Responses to Caption Contest 67: BRAKASH!

  1. Avatar DJ says:

    Entry 1: HAHAHA

  2. Avatar remy says:

    I gotta say it first:

    Entry 1: Honey, I’m Home!

  3. Avatar remy says:

    Entry 2: Help! I’m sliding off of my right leg!

  4. Avatar Hammerknight says:

    1. “EEK!”
    2. “Supper!”
    3. “Baby goes bounce!”

  5. Kaldath Kaldath says:

    Pardon me! I really should not have eaten the beans!

  6. Avatar remy says:

    Entry 3: “I told you, that **** goes right to your thighs!”

  7. Avatar Danny Beaty says:

    @Jeff: We are supposed to write dialog for the woman, right?

  8. Avatar Gero says:

    1. I don’t know what BRAKASH means! Now leave me alone!

    2. Help, it’s Quadruple Index Finger Man!

    3. I take it back, Liefeld isn’t a talentless hack!

  9. Avatar Tim says:

    1) Ah! You’re not the Kool-aid guy!

  10. Avatar Jeff Hebert says:

    Yep, the dialog balloon points to the woman.

  11. Avatar Danny Beaty says:

    1. I guess the A stands for “Asshole!”

    2. Calgon, take me away!

    3. No more Viagra for you!

  12. Avatar TheNate says:

    “Please sir, I just want to know: Are you happy with the braid?”

  13. Avatar John D says:

    1. “no more facebook chats”
    2. “ok! next time I’ll cut the crusts off”
    3. (singing) “The Hills are aliiiive with the sound of ‘Brakaaaash!” (end singing)

  14. Avatar mercwithamouth2 says:

    look at the growth spurt you just had little man
    and look here you ruined your crate too.

  15. Avatar TheNate says:

    “Sorry, did you say your name was “Brakish?”

  16. Avatar Niall Mor says:

    You call this remodeling? I am NOT paying for this, Mister!

  17. Avatar Ian says:

    1. Aaaaah! Butt-palm!
    2. It’s Super-Chiropractor, come to fix my neck!
    3. Andre, we’re going to need a bigger bottle of shampoo!

  18. Avatar haydnc95 says:

    1. I was only looking for a flashlight! D:
    2. No, these are no all my ex-husbands O:
    3. Don’t sneak up on me like that! ¬¬

  19. Avatar Capshot says:

    This is my first time posting, so here goes.

    Entry 1:
    Now remember to roll your Rs when you “Brakash”.
    Entry 2:
    I really wish my legs weren’t made of Jell-O
    Entry 3:
    Thanks for opening the cabinet, it’s vulnerable to Purple.

  20. Avatar eddie says:

    i promise to never over cook the potroast again!

  21. Avatar Rick says:

    1. EEE! I mean, AAA!
    2. No Means… um
    3. Give me an…A!

  22. Avatar Skiriki says:

    “No! Not the THIGH MASTER!”

  23. Rozenstal Rozenstal says:

    1.Размахнись рука, раззудись плечо!!!
    2.Nya!!!!!!!^_^!!!!!
    3.Well, clear prop!

  24. Avatar TopHat says:

    1: I was wondering why my birthday cake was so large!
    2: Oh no! It’s Angry Man!
    3: Sweet lord! The son of King Kong and Ann Darrow was real!

  25. Avatar Anarchangel says:

    1: “Yes, I have heard the good word of Jesus Christ”
    2: “I only said my mother was coming to stay!”

  26. Avatar Matt says:

    1.Fine! You can get a hair cut!
    2. I said you WERE CUTE in the photo

  27. 1. “My what big thighs you have, tranny!”
    2. “Is that a Brakash in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.”
    3. “NO! SIT! BAD UBU, BAD!”

  28. Avatar JWMan says:

    1. ALVIN!
    2. Not tonight!
    3. Get a job!

  29. Avatar Runt82 says:

    1) I swear I didn’t have a drink, Alcoholics Anonymous Man!

  30. Avatar Runt82 says:

    2) Noooooo! It’s Roid-Rage Willie Nelson!

  31. Avatar SongBird says:

    1. “I DON’T WANT YOUR FROSTED FLAKES!!!”
    2. “Not the bad breath! ANYTHING but the bad breath!”
    3. “No, I would NOT like to take a trip up the Empire State Building with you!”

  32. Avatar Nancy says:

    “Okay – Okay, I’ll stop scrap booking!”

  33. Avatar Nancy says:

    “I ordered the double AA batteries today!”

  34. Avatar Nancy says:

    “But straight hair is IN right now!”

  35. Avatar Hakoon1 says:

    1) I just thought I could trim it a little!

  36. Avatar cavalier says:

    1 – “Oh no, not again!”

  37. Avatar PCFDPGrey says:

    1. Dammit Banner! STOP testing the MiraclGro formulas on yourself!

    2. Well, at least I won’t need my Knee pads for This big fella.

    3. Ooh! His punching bag is at JUST the right level!

  38. Avatar JesterTheGreat says:

    (Gah… Tim, you beat me to it with the Kool-Aid guy XD… Now I got nothing good, lol.)

    1. This is why I stopped dating!!!

    2. Why does this keep happening to meeee?!

    3. Aloysius A. Argile, you go to the princpal’s office right NOW!!!

  39. Avatar Jake says:

    1. Bulletman, what has the nineties done to you?

  40. Avatar kyle says:

    ahhh i hate the nineties.
    all i said was you need a hair cut
    fine i will vote for you re-election for Californian.

  41. Avatar kyle says:

    redo:fine i will vote for you re-election for California

  42. Avatar Steve M. says:

    1. Alright, fine, you can have the last slice of pizza!
    2. Fer cryin’ out loud, cover your mouth when you sneeze!
    3. I told you, I’m not into role-playing in the bedroom!

  43. Avatar EnderX says:

    Mr. Liefeld! What’s gotten into you?!

  44. Avatar Rob W. says:

    1. No, I will NOT tell you where I hid your steroids!
    2. Did you forget your Nicorette again?
    3. That’s it… I’m out of here! I’m going to see that nice Voorhees boy down the street!

  45. Avatar Loki says:

    Govanter what have you done to your self!?

  46. Avatar Loki says:

    I did put that cookie down what do you want with me!?

  47. Avatar PRiegel says:

    “Shiver me timbers!”

  48. Avatar Boomcow2 says:

    “CAN I BORROW A CUP OF SUGAR MA’AM?!”

  49. Avatar Mr.Vampire says:

    Brak’s not here, he’s out with Zorak.

  50. Avatar Brad says:

    1. His… feet! Oh, those horrible feet off-panel!

    2. Is that your disproportionate anatomy, or are you just happy to see me?

  51. Avatar TJ says:

    sorry this may have been covered in your bash session and I appologise if so, and I know this isn’t an entry, but does he have a finger randomly protuding from the palm of his hand?

  52. Avatar Loki says:

    3.”what the hell!?”

  53. Avatar Mike says:

    Son, I don’t care what you do, you’ll still have to eat your veggies.

  54. Avatar William A. Peterson says:

    “Now, gimme an ‘H’! And, what have you got?” 😀
    {Rah, Rah, sis-boom-bah!}

  55. Avatar Tim says:

    (Not an entry)

    lol sorry Jester 🙂

    I lol’ed at Mr.Vampire’s #50 comment

  56. Avatar Jake says:

    2. See A-man? Forced perspective can be fun.

  57. Avatar NGpm says:

    That’s just way too tiny as speech bubbles go for much of anything … so we’ll have to print really small.

    1. Honey, there’s a Mister Grim here, something about the reaping?
    2. I should have worn the Depends(tm)!

    I think I’ve figured out the noise thing too. The “braid” is really a pull start … like on a chain saw. The RRR is engine noise, and the Brakash indicates not enough choke or maybe she flooded the engine, either way it stalled.

  58. Avatar Jake says:

    3. AAman, I swear I’m sober!

  59. Avatar Boomcow2 says:

    Oops, sorry. My dialog was coming from Mr. Brakash A-man. I didn’t read the earlier comments OR see any speech bubble so I kind of free-styled it.

  60. Deadpool42 Deadpool42 says:

    1-FOR THE LAST TIME I DONT WANNA HERE THE GOOD NEWS!!
    2-I ORDERED THE FRIES

  61. Avatar Nathan says:

    Aghh.. Splinters!!

  62. Avatar berserker says:

    Hey you found my flash light thank you

  63. Avatar berserker says:

    Hey you found my flash light thank you

  64. Avatar The Atomic Punk says:

    I’m sorry! I used to work at Great Clips!

  65. Avatar Frankie says:

    “EEEK! It’s Awful Appendage.”

  66. Avatar Frankie says:

    “Oh, no! It’s the Alphabet Brigade. And this is only the beginning.”

  67. Avatar Frankie says:

    “Ewww. Get that thing away from me.”

  68. Avatar Xstacy says:

    Oh, did the mad scientist put YOU together wrong as a joke too?