Caption Contest 67: BRAKASH!

I think it's time we had a full-throated, two-page-spread, Image super-sized caption contest, complete with flying ponytails, ridiculous facial hair, unhinged jaws, incomprehensible female anatomy, outsized onomontoPOWia, no backgrounds, and all the rest of the high quality you've come to expect from the Nineties. Only one thing is missing -- bad dialog! That's where you come in. Whoever comes up for the best or funniest or most appropriate replacement dialog for this vintage Image Nineties panel wins either a portrait or any item of their choosing to be included with HeroMachine 3!

brigade-10-1994-liefeld-brakash

The rules are simple:

  1. Keep it clean, appropriate for late-night broadcast television;
  2. No more than three entries per person;
  3. All entries must be left as a comment (or comments) to this post.
  4. I'll make the balloon as big as needed to fit the winner.

That's it! Good luck everyone, and as usual I'll announce the winner next Tuesday.

Of course, I can't just let this go without a little gratuitous Image-Nineties-bashing. So skip this bit if you are sick of that kind of thing.

First, the guilty parties here do not include Rob Liefeld directly. The issue was laid out by EricStephenson, penciled by Anthony Winn, and inked by Marlo Alquiza.

Let me start with the big fellow. I've rarely seen such a disastrous combination of costume elements outside either an Disney "Beauty and the Beast" Ice Capades show or a professional wrestling bout, what with the lion mane hair and the gigantic pony tail that seems to be coming from the middle of his back. Add to that his need to put a giant "A" on his costume TWICE -- right on top of each other -- and I can only conclude we're dealing with someone deeply divided by his dual loyalties to crappy haircuts and worse fashion.

Strangely his pony tail is not the only thing askew in his design, as someone has surgically planted an addition index finger where his pinky would be, if pinkys grew out of the palm of your hand. That's just weird. But maybe it goes with all those extra shoulder muscles and rib cage whatzits going on down there in the thorax region. I will be tactful and not go into his plane-flat groin area. Maybe that's why he's so angry.

What really bugs me about this whole composition, though, is that in typical Image Nineties fashion they haven't a clue what to do even with the great tools they've been provided. Here we've got the holy grail of the comics industry, a whole two-page spread. Those used to be rarer than hot chicks at Star Trek conventions. Image, to its credit, introduced a much higher rate of these big action-oriented layouts, but they've completely botched it in this case.

Look, part of what's great about this kind of spread is that you can show much more detail and dynamic action than trying to jam it all into a little panel. But they've left out the background, shrunk one of the two figures down to an afterthought who's severed by the bottom border, and crammed the most interesting and dynamic guy into a forced crouch. He looks squished and cramped and yet it's a WHOLE PAGE! Plus they orient the whole thing side-scroll fashion, further flattening the action instead of making it burst out of the page.

That about sums up the Image Nineties for me. Complete failure even at the stuff they were supposed to be good at. Utter lack of comprehension about what to do with page layouts and what makes comics interesting. If you ever get the chance, find a copy of the Walt Simonson "Thor" issue where every single page was a full-page splash to see how it should be done! For instance, here is Thor bashing his way out of the mouth of the Midgard Serpent through its teeth:

fnfthordentist05

Now there's a panel that explodes right off the page and into your laps, folks.

OK, rant over. Return to your regularly scheduled caption contest now.

(First image from "Brigade" number 10, ©1994, Rob Liefeld. Second image from "The Mighty Thor", © Marvel Comics, Inc.)

69 Responses to Caption Contest 67: BRAKASH!

  1. Entry 1: HAHAHA

  2. I gotta say it first:

    Entry 1: Honey, I’m Home!

  3. Entry 2: Help! I’m sliding off of my right leg!

  4. 1. “EEK!”
    2. “Supper!”
    3. “Baby goes bounce!”

  5. Pardon me! I really should not have eaten the beans!

  6. Entry 3: “I told you, that **** goes right to your thighs!”

  7. @Jeff: We are supposed to write dialog for the woman, right?

  8. 1. I don’t know what BRAKASH means! Now leave me alone!

    2. Help, it’s Quadruple Index Finger Man!

    3. I take it back, Liefeld isn’t a talentless hack!

  9. 1) Ah! You’re not the Kool-aid guy!

  10. Yep, the dialog balloon points to the woman.

  11. 1. I guess the A stands for “Asshole!”

    2. Calgon, take me away!

    3. No more Viagra for you!

  12. “Please sir, I just want to know: Are you happy with the braid?”

  13. 1. “no more facebook chats”
    2. “ok! next time I’ll cut the crusts off”
    3. (singing) “The Hills are aliiiive with the sound of ‘Brakaaaash!” (end singing)

  14. mercwithamouth2

    look at the growth spurt you just had little man
    and look here you ruined your crate too.

  15. “Sorry, did you say your name was “Brakish?”

  16. You call this remodeling? I am NOT paying for this, Mister!

  17. 1. Aaaaah! Butt-palm!
    2. It’s Super-Chiropractor, come to fix my neck!
    3. Andre, we’re going to need a bigger bottle of shampoo!

  18. 1. I was only looking for a flashlight! D:
    2. No, these are no all my ex-husbands O:
    3. Don’t sneak up on me like that! ¬¬

  19. This is my first time posting, so here goes.

    Entry 1:
    Now remember to roll your Rs when you “Brakash”.
    Entry 2:
    I really wish my legs weren’t made of Jell-O
    Entry 3:
    Thanks for opening the cabinet, it’s vulnerable to Purple.

  20. i promise to never over cook the potroast again!

  21. 1. EEE! I mean, AAA!
    2. No Means… um
    3. Give me an…A!

  22. “No! Not the THIGH MASTER!”

  23. 1.Размахнись рука, раззудись плечо!!!
    2.Nya!!!!!!!^_^!!!!!
    3.Well, clear prop!

  24. 1: I was wondering why my birthday cake was so large!
    2: Oh no! It’s Angry Man!
    3: Sweet lord! The son of King Kong and Ann Darrow was real!

  25. 1: “Yes, I have heard the good word of Jesus Christ”
    2: “I only said my mother was coming to stay!”

  26. 1.Fine! You can get a hair cut!
    2. I said you WERE CUTE in the photo

  27. 1. “My what big thighs you have, tranny!”
    2. “Is that a Brakash in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.”
    3. “NO! SIT! BAD UBU, BAD!”

  28. 1. ALVIN!
    2. Not tonight!
    3. Get a job!

  29. 1) I swear I didn’t have a drink, Alcoholics Anonymous Man!

  30. 2) Noooooo! It’s Roid-Rage Willie Nelson!

  31. 1. “I DON’T WANT YOUR FROSTED FLAKES!!!”
    2. “Not the bad breath! ANYTHING but the bad breath!”
    3. “No, I would NOT like to take a trip up the Empire State Building with you!”

  32. “Okay – Okay, I’ll stop scrap booking!”

  33. “I ordered the double AA batteries today!”

  34. “But straight hair is IN right now!”

  35. 1) I just thought I could trim it a little!

  36. 1 – “Oh no, not again!”

  37. 1. Dammit Banner! STOP testing the MiraclGro formulas on yourself!

    2. Well, at least I won’t need my Knee pads for This big fella.

    3. Ooh! His punching bag is at JUST the right level!

  38. JesterTheGreat

    (Gah… Tim, you beat me to it with the Kool-Aid guy XD… Now I got nothing good, lol.)

    1. This is why I stopped dating!!!

    2. Why does this keep happening to meeee?!

    3. Aloysius A. Argile, you go to the princpal’s office right NOW!!!

  39. 1. Bulletman, what has the nineties done to you?

  40. ahhh i hate the nineties.
    all i said was you need a hair cut
    fine i will vote for you re-election for Californian.

  41. redo:fine i will vote for you re-election for California

  42. 1. Alright, fine, you can have the last slice of pizza!
    2. Fer cryin’ out loud, cover your mouth when you sneeze!
    3. I told you, I’m not into role-playing in the bedroom!

  43. Mr. Liefeld! What’s gotten into you?!

  44. 1. No, I will NOT tell you where I hid your steroids!
    2. Did you forget your Nicorette again?
    3. That’s it… I’m out of here! I’m going to see that nice Voorhees boy down the street!

  45. Govanter what have you done to your self!?

  46. I did put that cookie down what do you want with me!?

  47. “Shiver me timbers!”

  48. “CAN I BORROW A CUP OF SUGAR MA’AM?!”

  49. Brak’s not here, he’s out with Zorak.

  50. 1. His… feet! Oh, those horrible feet off-panel!

    2. Is that your disproportionate anatomy, or are you just happy to see me?

  51. sorry this may have been covered in your bash session and I appologise if so, and I know this isn’t an entry, but does he have a finger randomly protuding from the palm of his hand?

  52. 3.”what the hell!?”

  53. Son, I don’t care what you do, you’ll still have to eat your veggies.

  54. William A. Peterson

    “Now, gimme an ‘H’! And, what have you got?” 😀
    {Rah, Rah, sis-boom-bah!}

  55. (Not an entry)

    lol sorry Jester 🙂

    I lol’ed at Mr.Vampire’s #50 comment

  56. 2. See A-man? Forced perspective can be fun.

  57. That’s just way too tiny as speech bubbles go for much of anything … so we’ll have to print really small.

    1. Honey, there’s a Mister Grim here, something about the reaping?
    2. I should have worn the Depends(tm)!

    I think I’ve figured out the noise thing too. The “braid” is really a pull start … like on a chain saw. The RRR is engine noise, and the Brakash indicates not enough choke or maybe she flooded the engine, either way it stalled.

  58. 3. AAman, I swear I’m sober!

  59. Oops, sorry. My dialog was coming from Mr. Brakash A-man. I didn’t read the earlier comments OR see any speech bubble so I kind of free-styled it.

  60. 1-FOR THE LAST TIME I DONT WANNA HERE THE GOOD NEWS!!
    2-I ORDERED THE FRIES

  61. Aghh.. Splinters!!

  62. Hey you found my flash light thank you

  63. Hey you found my flash light thank you

  64. The Atomic Punk

    I’m sorry! I used to work at Great Clips!

  65. “EEEK! It’s Awful Appendage.”

  66. “Oh, no! It’s the Alphabet Brigade. And this is only the beginning.”

  67. “Ewww. Get that thing away from me.”

  68. Oh, did the mad scientist put YOU together wrong as a joke too?