Blast from the Past: Caption Contest 57

Like an old boyfriend who just can't let go, or the drooling zombie hungry for your brains, it's ... the RETURN of the CAPTION CONTEST! By request, for at least this week we're going to return to that treasured gem of old, and I will challenge you to come up with the best or funniest replacement dialog for this comic book panel:

atomman-1-1946-blank

It's been a while, so let's review the rules.

  • All entries must be made as comments to this post;
  • No more than three (3) entries per person;
  • Keep it clean, appropriate for a PG-13 type of audience (which I admit will be difficult given the ... suggestive physical appearance of the highly complicated scientific device in the image).

That's it! I'll choose a winner next Tuesday, to be selected by whichever one makes me laugh the most. So get ready to bring the funny! The winner will get to choose to have either a caricature of their face, or any one item of their choice, included with the HeroMachine 3 final version.

Good luck everyone!

(Image from "Atom-man" number 1, 1946.)

98 Responses to Blast from the Past: Caption Contest 57

  1. “How we got this one past the comic code authority, I’ll never know.”

  2. Okay i was looking forward to a character contest oh well here goes: “I just wanted a female oponion because if Galacticus’s sister isnt happy when she sees it……”

  3. “so its time for your prostate exam”
    “its the super-kablomm-killeveryone-giant gun-thingy”

  4. What Do We Do?

  5. Come up with something funny to fill in the balloon. Like this:

    “C’mon, sometimes a dilithium centrifuge matrix is JUST a dilithium centrifuge matrix.”

  6. Oh, thanks dude

  7. “Yes this hydroy lemplex laser gun comes with tricycle insurance, and free banana’s, but not walnut tree’s”

    I really don’t know I just thought of the first that was random.

  8. Does it come in any size other then small?

  9. 1) See!? My Gigant-O-Ray works! Now what are we going to do with a ballpeen hammer this size…?

    2) And for the discerning couple in the market for oversized super-housewares, we have this beauty: an electric haircurler and barbell in one!

    3) It’s great, Atom-man, but how do we move it?

  10. “We hid this little money pit in the budget under ‘janitorial supplies’. We don’t even know what it does! Looks awesome though. Here let me switch on the LEDs…”

    “I can see the missus isn’t too pleased with this model, but I assure you that it does cook a pot roast in under thirty nanoseconds. It also comes in designer colors of Electric Orange and Velveteen Purple.”

    “That over there’s our blue rectangle collection, to your left you’ll see the random yellow gauges, and this here’s a giant metal contraption that’s really a must have for any aspiring mad scientist lab. We call it our “Big Bertha” model.”

  11. (As an aside, has anyone else noticed that the gauge in the foreground looks an awful lot like an upside-down smiley face with a cigarette?)

  12. I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.

  13. Where do you put the quarters in?

  14. Oops, I meant for “Big Bertha” to be ‘Big Bertha’. Remember kids, single quotes inside double quotes!

  15. 1.”HA! MINE IS BIGGER!”

    2.”No, no, its ‘pew pew!’ not ‘voooo!cooom!’ ”

    3. “….Atom-Man…are you compensating for something?”

  16. You know, now that I banged all those out at once, I’ve just realized what a long, dragging wait I’ll have in the meantime.

    Aw.

  17. The Doomed Pixel

    1) …and if you’re feeling particularly frisky, we have the “Extra Extra Larger” model.

    I’ll leave you to your decision.

    2)No, actually, it never really occurred to me…
    …but yeah, I guess it kind of does.

  18. 1. “What is that!?”

    2. “Galactus lost this during his last battle with the fantastic four.”

    3. “You wasted my money on this!!”

  19. 1. “It’s great fun, but there are a few side effects. If you can’t turn it off after 4 hours, you may need to seek medical attention.”

    2. “It’s just like the one Michael Jackson slept in to stay looking young and healthy.”

    3. “Now we call this the model the Prince Albert Deluxe 5000.”

  20. Danny Beaty

    1. Extenze works on any man, any age.

    2. I’d hate to see it’s female counterpart!

    3. This one will be shipped to Madonna.

  21. 1. “Folks, I understand it’s exciting. Really, I do. But you can’t just go rubbing blueberry jam on it!”

    2. “Overcompensating? Why no, whatever gave you that idea?”

    3. “So Janie, your dad tells me you’re starting to get curious about boys…”

  22. “Go ahead-say anything about it that can’t be made into a ‘That’s what she said’ joke. I DARE you.”

  23. Witness my ultimate doomsday device – the world’s most enormous pneumatic bank tube! MWAHAHAHA!

  24. Obsessive Afterthought: Jeff, the final sentence of my entries are extra punchlines, so remove them if winning means fitting in that little bitty bubble. Not that it’ll probably help much, in that case.

  25. And this is how we brought Chuck Norris down (please forgive me for that one)

    This Mr. Jhonsan is what we use for the repeat tax evaders when we knock on their doors

    Well we do not know specifically what it’s weak spot is but this should hit it ….

  26. its a snow cone maker

  27. Are you sure Galactus won’t wake up if we touch it?

  28. William A. Peterson

    “Yours might be longer, NOW, Mr. Johnson, but after five minutes with the VAKK-U-PUMP 3000, Mine will be the largest in the World… the Galaxy… Nay, the very UNIVERSE!”

  29. My wife swears by it.

  30. we use this to open buildings up like cans of soup, chicken noodle soup

    and we use this to make the white paint

  31. and we use this to make the white paint and that ends our tour,
    browser acted up and somehow submitted comment

  32. But it makes the driest martini you ever had!

  33. darkvatican

    “…and now that I have it, I just can’t stop touching it.”

  34. 1. No, it’s not to be taken internally.

    2. What? No, I’m not compensating for anything. Why?

    3. If only that rascally rabbit hadn’t stolen the Iludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator…there’d be a tremendous KABOOM!

  35. So Dark what’s your quote for the contest, you been using that one every since you were ten. J/K lol

  36. darkvatican

    lol@HK

  37. Dan Gonzalez

    “I know it seems strange, but to power it up you have to rub the underside like this…”

  38. 1. …So I says to Martha, “Darling, its not the size that counts, its how you use it.” So she laughed at me and bought this two hours later.

    2. I have no idea what it is, but Billy Mays sure made it sound like I needed it.

    3. Yes, it IS an older model, but you know what they say about experience, right? Your daughter would love it!

  39. “I can assure you, this will certainly spice up your love making, and if not we do not pay the medical bill”

  40. “To answer your question it’s just a few inches smaller then this. Anything else?”

  41. “Are you sure this would be a good present for our son”

    “Can I use it for my soup”

  42. Satisfaction guaranteed, except where prohibited by law.

  43. 1. That’s a nice invention Atom Man, but doesn’t it look a little suggestive?

    (The Speech bubble looks like it is coming from the machine.)

    2. I hope no one notices I have an Advanced AI.

    3. What does this do for you exactly?

  44. The Doomed Pixel

    3) It’s a penis. Why, what did you think it was?

  45. …and that is how Twinkies are made. Any questions?

  46. 1) Well, it looks great in the showroom, but how do I get it inside?

    2) …and here we have the machine that goes “PING!”

    3) Step right up, ladies and gentlemen! I guarantee you the ride of your lives! Line forms to the left! Hurry, hurry, hurry!

  47. So, Judy, ya think Mom’ll like it?

    I dunno, somehow, I thought it would be bigger.

  48. 1) “Oh! Und vas is das? Vhy, is special “DER MEISTER” model! It haff very powerful ingine! Und is great for kombat needs at home or office already! But, vas deferens? Ha-Ha!” [bottom bubble section,tiny letters ->] “Is good, ja?”

  49. The Dudemeister

    1. You can tell Mr. Galactus not to worry, all men need to be checked at his age. This is the device we’ll use. We’ll cover it will a special jelly and…

    2. The original models of the Sentinels all had these installed, but Northstar and Colossus kept trying to climb on them, so we had to have them removed.

    3. The darn cost a fortune, and we STILL can’t get HDTV signals.

  50. “As you can see, the innuendo generator is critically malfunctioning.”

  51. 1. I thought I had figured out post-modern art by now, but… well, no.

    2. You can look, but ya can’t touch.

    3. I dunno, the police found it in some comic artist’s basement… I think he was called Liefeld or something.

  52. 1. This is the Father of all Superheroes! Literally!
    2. So you just aim it at that, and then a bologna sandwich appears!
    3. Welcome to Sex Ed class, We are about to have a demonstration…

  53. I take back the second post, i just thought of a better one

    “I really don’t know why I did this with all the company’s money, i just did it randomly.”

    BTW: Thanks chase for posting that on your remark way up top, that gave me the idea.

  54. With this unfair-taxinator we will able to SCREW over the middle class like never before imagined!

  55. Denise Adams

    These comments are hysterical! Some of you guys made me laugh out loud! Way to go!

  56. …or you could look at the deluxe model, which has 37% more innuendo!

  57. It’s too late to change the design now, Ted. Besides, I don’t think anybody will notice.

  58. “….and this device was originally designed to take King Kong’s temperature from a safe distance. However we never got funding to design the delivery system.”

  59. MartianBlue

    Entrant 1
    “We recovered this spaceship from the North Atlantic Ocean this morning. As the long smooth shaft indicates, our worst fears have been realized. It appears that Doctor Evil has returned!”

  60. MartianBlue

    Entrant 2
    “Oh, so this is what it means, to have a screw loose!”

  61. MartianBlue

    Entrant 3
    Reference Meet Bob commercials
    “Yea your not smiling now are you bob?”

  62. MartianBlue

    This was fun Jeff. I’m glad I though of it. joking.
    Had one more, but ran out of entries, so I’ll throw the idea up, 50 foot woman

  63. MartianBlue

    Hey Jeff, Where do we submit suggestions for caption contests?

  64. 1.”Yeah, but does it get cable?”

    2.”Galactus only used it to wash his underwear.”

    3.”It’s a water heater…yeah that that’s it a water heater.

    4.”Let’s get naked and try it out.”

  65. You can either email them to me direction (afdstudios at gmail dot com) or use the Contact Us link up at the top there, MartianBlue.

  66. MartianBlue

    Thanks Jeff, I sent them through contact

  67. 1. “Yes, if I move my hand it will fall. Shut up Dan.”

    2. “So I show you the world’s largest death ray and your commenting on the color of my suit?!”

    3. “It doesn’t even look like it should be standing let alone work. I give it a D+ merely out of baffled fascination.”

  68. @JWMan: Those three threw me into an embarrassing fit of laughter. The “baffled fascination” line was such godly perfection.

  69. Yes, but do you have one in fuchsia?

  70. superawesomecoolman

    my 2nd one; so you say all this does is removes germs from my hands better than MOST soaps?

  71. @Dudemeister….only the ULTIMATE Colossus was gay…so I feel your 2nd entrant is flawed…..but still hilarious.

  72. 1. I present to you the FUTURE…..of Facebook poking.

    2. You know when you put bread in a toaster? Well, THIS is where the toast comes from!

    3. I don’t know what it does…but every now and then it lights up and says 42 over and over again.

  73. 1. … And this is a miniature model of our last product.

    2. Simple. Just point and shoot.

    3. The greatest scientific minds have joined to design this fusion engine. Unfortunately, they suck at PR.

  74. 1. So I tell him to smell my finger…and he does! Hahaha…erhem…so anyway…you want the thing or not?

    2. What, this? When Neverland Ranch closed down, I stole this out of storage. I think it’s a ride or something.

    3. It doesn’t slice, it doesn’t dice, and it doesn’t make Julien fries…but you sure will feel it in the morning!

  75. 1. “56 million dollars in research and you don’t even know what it does?

    2. “HaHaHa….This thing can’t even melt butter!”

    3. “So like do you have anything usfull?”

  76. 1. Then we jump out and take over the Statue of Liberty. They’ll never see us coming!

  77. 2. You’re too late, Mr. Bond! The ammunition balls will be here any minute.

  78. 3. …but Janice leaves the room and it goes back to phone-booth size. I don’t get it.

  79. Evil Lord Pretzel

    “Guaranteed to protect your Secret Lair of Evil Most Foul from all manner of pesky heroes! You may encounter some problems against heroines, though….”

  80. 1. “That’s the last time I get NASA to design my space shuttle!”

  81. 2. “Yeah I got it at that new menswear store. Oh you mean *that thing*? Yeah I don’t know what that does.”

    3. “Well I’d always wanted a bomb on a stick attached to a giant school bell so you know…”

  82. Just a quick edit for #1

    1. “And how did they think it was gonna get anywhere near space when it’s not even pointed in the right direction? Bloody NASA.”

  83. Just a quick edit for #1

    1. “And how did they think it was gonna get anywhere near the moon when it’s not even pointed in the right direction? Bloody NASA.”

  84. 1. “Ah, I see you have the machine that goes ‘Ping’!”

    2. “You don’t get it do you? The Soviets had created an inappropriate looking machine thingy gap! We had to bridge the gap!”

    3. “Yes, form follows function. Which, with this thing, gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies.”

  85. superawesomecoolman

    #3; and this blows seuff up so big it’s not even funny, fine maybe it’s a little, no it’s REALLY funny

  86. superawesomecoolman

    wrong spelling for #3 stuff, not seuff

  87. 1. Ma’am, this should interest you in particular. This item is the wave of the future- this baby’s fully automated.

    2. And through this window, you’ll see the pride of our little safari park- the wild piano keys.

    3. Now, you may ask why I asked you to where bright colours. Simple. We must match my garish red paint and purple suit!

  88. (the man in the blue suit talking)
    4. Honey, why do you want THIS washing machine so much?

  89. jason ransom

    1, I like the design thats all ok!!

    2, First i clean the shaft, th….hey man kids read this
    stuff.

    3, now as you can see, size is everything.

  90. Alright Here goes
    :Is That a Giant Laser Of Doom or are you just happy to see me?

  91. Biffbiffley

    “Why, we were given grants for this project by Pfizer, how could you tell?”

  92. “I’d show you how the giant-sized, pneumatic, electronic pool cue works, but I can’t get the eightball off it.”

  93. “Well yes, you could use it to play Squash. But you’d need a new court afterwards.”

  94. Is it just three entries per person, like in the old days?

  95. Zorbas The Awesome

    “The Government has spared no expenis- uuuh i mean expense to build this new system”

    “this is a hologram of our new white-washer 3000 paint-gun enlarged 100x.”

    “This is our crown jewel Mr. Witwicky…the original seven discovered it and Hoover had this am built aroundit to hide the Rod’s power.”

    (TransFormers reference)

  96. Zorbas The Awesome

    oops thats supposed to be ‘Dam built around it’

  97. “You know that movie Boogie Nights? Well, they’re making a sequel and they’ve asked me to make a new prosthetic for Mark Wahlberg.”

  98. 1. First you take this dingle-dangle and you put it inside that hoopsy-daisy over there.

    2. Giggity-giggity-goo!

    3. It’s the world’s largest can of silly spring. You can drown in that stuff.