Caption Contest 44: Conan revisited

Jeff Rients did a great job guest-hosting the Caption Contest a few weeks ago, but there were some other panels from the same issue that I thought would have also made good caption-contest-fodder. So I'm going to use one of the alternates from that week to see what you can come up with:


As always, the winner will receive a free black and white illustration of whatever he or she likes from yours truly, so put on those thinking caps and get busy! Keep it to no more than three total entries per person, left in the comments to this post, and relatively clean and you're home free.

Good luck everyone!

56 Responses to Caption Contest 44: Conan revisited

  1. Avatar John D says:

    1. As your acting head of state, I pass my power to Mr. Evil-Cloaky Guy!

    2. Next up on “Bowling for a Body”…..

    2. Yeah…I lost the challenge on Survivor this week.

  2. Avatar marx says:

    1. Mr. Seagal, I’m a big fan, but when you line us up on our knees before breaking our necks, well… it’s like you’re not even trying anymore.

    2. This is an awful long way to go for a pun about fellatio.

    3. Frankincense, Myrrh, Gold–those are traditional gifts from a wise man to a king. But this… this is just creepy.

  3. Avatar Whit says:

    1) Now for my next trick, I’ll drink a glass of water whilst my assistant sings “Swanee River”.

  4. Avatar Whit says:

    2) Could I have some assistance, please? Any *BODY* will do.

  5. Avatar Frankie says:

    “Ladies, don’t let him fool you. He’s just a head and pair of hands clothed in a magical cloak.

  6. Avatar Frankie says:

    “Yes, yes. (sigh) I’m indeed his ‘little friend’.

  7. Avatar Frankie says:

    “No, I wasn’t born without a body. I once had a handle. You see, I used to be a head of cabbage, that is until lonely old Morlok here found a blog about cabbage and men.”

  8. Avatar EnderX says:

    What do you mean, ‘Heads up’?

  9. Avatar Whit says:

    Yes, John the Baptist, party of two.

  10. Avatar Whit says:

    {that was 3)

  11. Avatar Brambles says:

    What the eff David Blaine?!?!?!?

  12. Avatar DJ says:

    1.”Anyone want to play some volleyball?”

    2.”Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infini-WAIT that’s your line sorry my bad.”

    3.”Stop. We have heard every head pun there is. Okay? So just stop with your jokes you jerk.”

  13. Avatar D says:

    Jeez, give a guy a break, will ya? I mean, first I had a knife shoved through me, now I’m bein’ held by a creepy mute guy! I gotta get me a new agent.

    Hello? Excuse me? Anyone know a David Byrne?

    I call him… Taller Me!

  14. Avatar Zorbas The Awesome says:

    1. Before you say anything….yes I AM his One-Eyed-Willy

    2. This is my lover Xander….we are in a kinda torture sex phase.

    3.Im his LOWER head!

  15. Avatar Jester says:

    1. Gah… figures that the other guy got better seats then me…

    2. Now, I realise that the absence of my body may seem a little shocking to some of you…

    3. You may take away my hair, you may take away my eye, and you may take away my ability to procreate, BUT YOU WILL NEVER TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITY!!!

  16. Avatar Loki says:

    See? My lips don’t move at all! I AM A MASTER!!

  17. Avatar Jose Inoa says:

    [1] Give me LIBERTY, or give me… HEY! Who’s messin’ with the teleprompter!?

    [2] OK! OK! Old white men CAN jump! No, NO! Don’t go half-court! Nooo!!

  18. Avatar Jose Inoa says:

    [3] Dr. Doom? The Spectre? David Dunn!? Curse you! Not Bowl-O-Rama again!

  19. Avatar Rick says:

    1. Whaddaya gonna do break my neck? Ooooo, scary!

    2. Buy her a drink. I’ll get set for ramming speed.

    3. So I told him that he was getting ahead of himself. He disagreed but suggested a compromise.

  20. Avatar hookman says:

    Alas poor Yorick I kne-Oh wait I’m gonna have to wait for a while.

  21. Avatar von Bek says:

    MY LEGS. MY LEGS I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS…or my hands.

  22. Avatar von Bek says:

    Do you ever get the feeling you’re just hanging around waiting for something to happen?

  23. Avatar von Bek says:

    My loyal subjects, the regeneration spell didn’t go, quite, as well as expected.

  24. Avatar coyote says:

    1 “i aint got no body and nobody cares for me”

    2 yes i am the headless horsemens better half!

    3 yes it is true dr doom did cut off my head. but i did hide his mask again!

  25. Avatar coyote says:

    just fir fun 4 : this is not what they ment by get a head in life you jerk!!!!!!!

  26. Avatar Ballin' Boy says:

    1. I’ll survive this even if it kills me.

    2. How would Macguyver get out of this?

    3. I knew I shoulda taken a left turn at Albuquerque!

  27. Avatar Cory says:

    1. NoBODY knows the trouble I SEE….

    2. …and THIS is my happy face!

    3. Have At Thee. I’ll Bite Your Bloody Legs Off!
    (Monty Python anybody?)

  28. Avatar Danny Beaty says:

    1. Got any aspirins?

    2. Jenny Craig helped me lose over 170 lbs.!

    3. Scratch my nose.

  29. Avatar Niall Mor says:

    Thank you, thank you! And now for my next number . . . “Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head,”

    Him? Oh, he’ll do anything to get ahead.

    Some days I just don’t know where my head’s at, y’ know what I mean?

  30. Avatar The Grizz says:

    No, he said he’s giving you A head. Get yours out of the gutter.

  31. Avatar Loki says:

    “Yeah, I’m the real Slim Shady, and I can’t sand up.”

    “Hi, Im Tim…and I have a drinking problem…”
    (Off panel) “Hi Tim!”

  32. Avatar Shinigami76 says:

    “would you like fries with this shake sir? “

  33. Avatar David says:

    This is NOT what I meant when I said i wanted to be the head of state

  34. Vengeance Vengeance says:

    Yes Yes Head be good.

    Not only am I a head club for men client……

    I ain’t got nobody..cha cha cha!!!

  35. Avatar Malachi the great says:

    I understand the beheading but whats with the crotch eye view?
    Fine keep the body just give me my eye back!
    *Never* agree to the magic trick.

  36. Avatar Bael says:

    I wanted to be a “Pirate”, but “Headless Horseman” was all they had left.

  37. Avatar Pyrate Hyena says:

    I am NOT a cocktail-shaker!

  38. Avatar Tal says:

    Hold me tighter, you moron! If the gray matter drips out, I’m dead!

  39. Avatar Ian says:

    1. “Just a little off the top?” he asked me…

    2. You call this trying to get ahead?

    3. Look, Bob, anyone can play head games, but don’t you think you’re taking this a little far?

  40. Avatar TheNate says:

    And this, kids, is why you don’t stick your head out of the bus.

  41. Avatar Socrates says:

    1. Me? Oh, I’m just trying out for the new zombie applet.

  42. Avatar Paul Alexander says:

    Please, please, PLEASE don’t let go!

  43. Avatar Meg says:

    1) You know what they say! Two heads are better than one!
    2) You know, when you said to keep an eye out for those brigands, this isn’t what I had in mind…
    3) And you thought the other half of Ichabod Crane had problems!

  44. Avatar ricky says:


    2)i knew i should not of sat infront of him in the cinema

    3) i asked for a close shave, i knew i shouldn’t of asked that blind man but i will know for next time

  45. Avatar The Imp says:

    1. God, I shoulda stuck with the ‘PeeWee’s Playhouse’ gig…

    2. Whatever you do, don’t split the seven and ten!

    3. Hey, pick that change up! Those’re my head quarters!

  46. Avatar David says:

    Head’s up!

  47. Avatar Fishpants says:

    1. Reply hazy, ask again later.
    2. Careful Bob, I’m your last extra life.
    3. No, it’s cool…the body shop gave me a loaner.

  48. Avatar Flying Fairy says:

    1. You know, I’d give my right eye for a suit of armor right now.
    3. How’s the weather up there?

  49. Avatar Age of Fable says:

    “Plagiarism: my one weakness.”

  50. Avatar Age of Fable says:

    “OK, yes…on the one hand it *is* two hours of this guy holding me and looking disgruntled. On the other, it’s better in every way than the Dungeons & Dragons movie.”

  51. Avatar Age of Fable says:

    “You know Mungo, I may have one eye, I may be bald and ugly, I may have no body below the neck…but on the other hand, I have cancer.”

  52. Avatar Tim says:

    1) “I think I can see my house from here..”
    2) “When he said he wanted to get ahead in life, I didn’t think he meant ME..!”
    3) “Hello, I’m an IBM..”

  53. Avatar Tony P. says:

    “It’s not enough that my head has been liberated from my body, but I also happen to smell something rather unpleasant.”

    “Tell me now, when was the last time you changed your drawers?”

    “Yes, yes, laugh it up. Just don’t be surprised when I bleed all over that expensive robe of yours.”

  54. Avatar Chuckles says:

    …and, hey, HEY!
    Let’s be careful out there.

  55. Avatar Chuckles says:

    And now, the “Kamikaze Highlander” is disarmed.

  56. Avatar Drew says:

    “Yes, Doctor. That last twist did take care of my back pain.”