Caption Contest 44: Conan revisited

Jeff Rients did a great job guest-hosting the Caption Contest a few weeks ago, but there were some other panels from the same issue that I thought would have also made good caption-contest-fodder. So I'm going to use one of the alternates from that week to see what you can come up with:


As always, the winner will receive a free black and white illustration of whatever he or she likes from yours truly, so put on those thinking caps and get busy! Keep it to no more than three total entries per person, left in the comments to this post, and relatively clean and you're home free.

Good luck everyone!

56 Responses to Caption Contest 44: Conan revisited

  1. 1. As your acting head of state, I pass my power to Mr. Evil-Cloaky Guy!

    2. Next up on “Bowling for a Body”…..

    2. Yeah…I lost the challenge on Survivor this week.

  2. 1. Mr. Seagal, I’m a big fan, but when you line us up on our knees before breaking our necks, well… it’s like you’re not even trying anymore.

    2. This is an awful long way to go for a pun about fellatio.

    3. Frankincense, Myrrh, Gold–those are traditional gifts from a wise man to a king. But this… this is just creepy.

  3. 1) Now for my next trick, I’ll drink a glass of water whilst my assistant sings “Swanee River”.

  4. 2) Could I have some assistance, please? Any *BODY* will do.

  5. “Ladies, don’t let him fool you. He’s just a head and pair of hands clothed in a magical cloak.

  6. “Yes, yes. (sigh) I’m indeed his ‘little friend’.

  7. “No, I wasn’t born without a body. I once had a handle. You see, I used to be a head of cabbage, that is until lonely old Morlok here found a blog about cabbage and men.”

  8. What do you mean, ‘Heads up’?

  9. Yes, John the Baptist, party of two.

  10. {that was 3)

  11. What the eff David Blaine?!?!?!?

  12. 1.”Anyone want to play some volleyball?”

    2.”Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infini-WAIT that’s your line sorry my bad.”

    3.”Stop. We have heard every head pun there is. Okay? So just stop with your jokes you jerk.”

  13. Jeez, give a guy a break, will ya? I mean, first I had a knife shoved through me, now I’m bein’ held by a creepy mute guy! I gotta get me a new agent.

    Hello? Excuse me? Anyone know a David Byrne?

    I call him… Taller Me!

  14. Avatar Zorbas The Awesome

    1. Before you say anything….yes I AM his One-Eyed-Willy

    2. This is my lover Xander….we are in a kinda torture sex phase.

    3.Im his LOWER head!

  15. 1. Gah… figures that the other guy got better seats then me…

    2. Now, I realise that the absence of my body may seem a little shocking to some of you…

    3. You may take away my hair, you may take away my eye, and you may take away my ability to procreate, BUT YOU WILL NEVER TAKE AWAY MY DIGNITY!!!

  16. See? My lips don’t move at all! I AM A MASTER!!

  17. [1] Give me LIBERTY, or give me… HEY! Who’s messin’ with the teleprompter!?

    [2] OK! OK! Old white men CAN jump! No, NO! Don’t go half-court! Nooo!!

  18. [3] Dr. Doom? The Spectre? David Dunn!? Curse you! Not Bowl-O-Rama again!

  19. 1. Whaddaya gonna do break my neck? Ooooo, scary!

    2. Buy her a drink. I’ll get set for ramming speed.

    3. So I told him that he was getting ahead of himself. He disagreed but suggested a compromise.

  20. Alas poor Yorick I kne-Oh wait I’m gonna have to wait for a while.

  21. MY LEGS. MY LEGS I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS…or my hands.

  22. Do you ever get the feeling you’re just hanging around waiting for something to happen?

  23. My loyal subjects, the regeneration spell didn’t go, quite, as well as expected.

  24. 1 “i aint got no body and nobody cares for me”

    2 yes i am the headless horsemens better half!

    3 yes it is true dr doom did cut off my head. but i did hide his mask again!

  25. just fir fun 4 : this is not what they ment by get a head in life you jerk!!!!!!!

  26. 1. I’ll survive this even if it kills me.

    2. How would Macguyver get out of this?

    3. I knew I shoulda taken a left turn at Albuquerque!

  27. 1. NoBODY knows the trouble I SEE….

    2. …and THIS is my happy face!

    3. Have At Thee. I’ll Bite Your Bloody Legs Off!
    (Monty Python anybody?)

  28. 1. Got any aspirins?

    2. Jenny Craig helped me lose over 170 lbs.!

    3. Scratch my nose.

  29. Thank you, thank you! And now for my next number . . . “Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head,”

    Him? Oh, he’ll do anything to get ahead.

    Some days I just don’t know where my head’s at, y’ know what I mean?

  30. No, he said he’s giving you A head. Get yours out of the gutter.

  31. “Yeah, I’m the real Slim Shady, and I can’t sand up.”

    “Hi, Im Tim…and I have a drinking problem…”
    (Off panel) “Hi Tim!”

  32. “would you like fries with this shake sir? “

  33. This is NOT what I meant when I said i wanted to be the head of state

  34. Yes Yes Head be good.

    Not only am I a head club for men client……

    I ain’t got nobody..cha cha cha!!!

  35. Avatar Malachi the great

    I understand the beheading but whats with the crotch eye view?
    Fine keep the body just give me my eye back!
    *Never* agree to the magic trick.

  36. I wanted to be a “Pirate”, but “Headless Horseman” was all they had left.

  37. I am NOT a cocktail-shaker!

  38. Hold me tighter, you moron! If the gray matter drips out, I’m dead!

  39. 1. “Just a little off the top?” he asked me…

    2. You call this trying to get ahead?

    3. Look, Bob, anyone can play head games, but don’t you think you’re taking this a little far?

  40. And this, kids, is why you don’t stick your head out of the bus.

  41. 1. Me? Oh, I’m just trying out for the new zombie applet.

  42. Avatar Paul Alexander

    Please, please, PLEASE don’t let go!

  43. 1) You know what they say! Two heads are better than one!
    2) You know, when you said to keep an eye out for those brigands, this isn’t what I had in mind…
    3) And you thought the other half of Ichabod Crane had problems!


    2)i knew i should not of sat infront of him in the cinema

    3) i asked for a close shave, i knew i shouldn’t of asked that blind man but i will know for next time

  45. 1. God, I shoulda stuck with the ‘PeeWee’s Playhouse’ gig…

    2. Whatever you do, don’t split the seven and ten!

    3. Hey, pick that change up! Those’re my head quarters!

  46. Head’s up!

  47. 1. Reply hazy, ask again later.
    2. Careful Bob, I’m your last extra life.
    3. No, it’s cool…the body shop gave me a loaner.

  48. 1. You know, I’d give my right eye for a suit of armor right now.
    3. How’s the weather up there?

  49. “Plagiarism: my one weakness.”

  50. “OK, yes…on the one hand it *is* two hours of this guy holding me and looking disgruntled. On the other, it’s better in every way than the Dungeons & Dragons movie.”

  51. “You know Mungo, I may have one eye, I may be bald and ugly, I may have no body below the neck…but on the other hand, I have cancer.”

  52. 1) “I think I can see my house from here..”
    2) “When he said he wanted to get ahead in life, I didn’t think he meant ME..!”
    3) “Hello, I’m an IBM..”

  53. “It’s not enough that my head has been liberated from my body, but I also happen to smell something rather unpleasant.”

    “Tell me now, when was the last time you changed your drawers?”

    “Yes, yes, laugh it up. Just don’t be surprised when I bleed all over that expensive robe of yours.”

  54. …and, hey, HEY!
    Let’s be careful out there.

  55. And now, the “Kamikaze Highlander” is disarmed.

  56. “Yes, Doctor. That last twist did take care of my back pain.”