As violent as comics are, I think few things published today can compare to the cold-blooded, matter-of-fact way Batman and Robin advocate for giving the Joker a frontal lobotomy in the comic book record “Trumping the Joker”:

In case that’s too hard to read, here’s the transcript:

You know Batman … the Joker really belongs in Arkham Asylum … He’s a paranoiac who is a Menace to our Society. Maybe a Frontal Lobotomy might help in his case.

It’s good to know that seeing his parents’ brains splattered on the circus floor taught the Boy Wonder that taking out peoples’ brains is a good thing. And to think Child Protective Services was worried that shacking up with a wealthy bachelor might be a bad influence on an impressionable child like that!

But just in case the kids listening along with the album and comic missed the great social message DC is pushing here, Batman brings it up again at the end of the issue:

If you can’t read that, here’s a link to the audio (it really has to be heard to be believed), and here’s the transcription:

Robin … Knowing the cleverness of this artful dodger, who can say for sure … perhaps a Frontal Lobotomy would be the answer. If science could operate on this distorted brain and put it to good use … Society would reap a great benefit … come Robin, into the Batmobile … and home!

I’m pretty sure he’s talking about the Joker and not the current slate of Presidential candidates, by the way. Although now that I think about it …

You know how at the end of every “Super Friends” or “Scooby Doo” cartoon, the gang would gather ’round and all laugh at the conclusion? I get the sense that Batman and Robin are doing the same thing as that tricked-out 1970’s convertible Batmobile screams down the street, chuckles echoing in the cold, soulless, lobotomized night.

So the next time your parents gripe at you for how awful your comic books or cartoons are, whip out this delightful little example from 1976 and point out that their heroes used to try to teach children to rip out their enemies’ brains.

(Although my guess is they’d like to deny it, all images, characters, and audio ©1976, DC Comics, Inc.)

When you’re building a super-hero costume, it’s very tempting to include bits and pieces just because they look cool, and not because they make any sense. Take, for instance, this outfit for Doctor Polaris from “Green Lantern #59″:

If your secret identity is as a carpet installer, you probably shouldn’t incorporate your knee protectors into your costume. I’m just sayin’.

I also have to say a word about Green Lantern’s pseudo-metallic gloves. What kind of metal is hard and shiny while still being able to stretch to accommodate the bending of a wrist? It’s been a while since my college geology course, but I’m pretty sure metal isn’t what you would call “stretchy”. I used to think maybe GL’s gloves (and mask and boots) were just poorly rendered, and weren’t actually metal. But no, in this issue he deflects a quarrel with one, resulting in a “splang”.

Yes, I know, it’s super-hero stuff, it doesn’t have to make sense. But every single time I see that particular GL uniform, I get brought up short, my brain wondering how in the heck those gloves actually work, and why that metal band connects the forearm piece with the hand piece. And where his nose goes under that mask. And why you would have all that metal protecting the front of your face instead of the back of your head where all of the, you know, valuable squishy bits of brain are. But then again, this particular GL was a comic book artist, so maybe he thought his eyes were more vital than his brains?

Then again, given the high-kneed design of GL’s boots, maybe he and Doctor Polaris are going to give up the super-powered game and open a carpet-laying business together, secure in the knowledge that at least they won’t have to deal with any OSHA violations for lack of protective knee-wear.

(Characters and images ©1995, DC Comics, Inc.)

Kitbashing is the art of assembling your own action figure out of a combination of hand-made and store-bought accessories. Kind of like HeroMachine in non-digital three dimensions. A couple of Christmases ago I took a stab at it myself, following the advice of my friend The Evil DM. I started with a friend’s character, Pendragon:

I bought a bunch of action figure pieces (literally a bag of parts) from eBay, purchased fabric of the relevant colors, and acquired a package of Super Sculpy modeling clay for the helmet. After several weeks of work, three sculpted helmets exploded in the oven, and a new appreciation for the work of seamstresses everywhere, I ended up with a one of a kind action figure:

I’m a rank beginner, though, especially compared to the work of guys like The Evil DM:

And then there’s this guy, whose Gaslight Justice League I saw yesterday. Just unreal:

If you ever wanted to see the characters you’ve created in HeroMachine take life, you should try your hand at kitbashing. The worst that can happen is your mom yells at you for all the exploded Super Sculpy in her oven, and at best you develop a whole host of new uber-geek skills. And some really cool action figures.

(Pendragon illustration and character © John Hartwell, Hartwell Studio Works. Merchant action figure photograph © Jeff Mejia. Gaslight Justice League figures and photo © … ummm … the guy at this URL. Characters depicted in the Gaslight JLA image are © DC Comics, Inc.)

I shouldn’t consider members of the Legion of Substitute Heroes as candidates for “Bad Costumes”, because the whole point of the group was to get laughs. But I dare you — nay, I double dog dare you! — to look at this costume for “Chlorophyll Kid” and not make some sort of “He’s got wood!” joke:

I know I’m going out on a limb here, barking up the wrong tree. And I ought to stem the tide of bad jokes, and just leaf him alone.I’d go on in this vein forever, without having to branch out too far, but UGO would probably make me petal my bad puns elsewhere if I did. And so I will quit in the full flower of my mockery, without being a complete sap, packing my trunk for home. I’ll give you a ring or two before long, from the safety of my arbor, and hope I get you on the vine. Line. Whichever.

(Image and character ©1985, DC Comics, Inc.)

From the pages of “Cyber Force Invades Freak Force” comes a character that sums up the “Image Era” perfectly:

Four total arms, all but one filled with a gun pumping lead into some faceless enemy. And such versatility — is this a Freak from Freak Force (the extra arms) or a Cyber from Cyber Force (the half-metal face)? Whichever, with all those guns he’s clearly a Force of some sort. Add in the impossibility of just how these limbs fit onto one side of his body and you’ve got a paragon of Image-ocity.

(Freak Force © and trademark 1994 Erik Larsen and Gary Carlson. Cyberforce and Stryker © and trademark Top Cow Productions, Inc.)