Mythological characters were super-heroes before the medium of comics made it big. Which is right now causing twelve dozen history professors to gun up their Outrage Machines, but hey, I’m a simple guy. Still, you’ve got larger than life people, performing feats far outside the reach of normal people, and transforming their societies.

Which got me thinking, what heroes from out of time would, when brought to the present day, still be heroic? What impact would they have on our modern world? So let’s take them from the top.

• Achilles: I wanted to include Achilles because let’s face it, he’s a petulant whiner, and as such could really relate to life in these United States, at least on the internet. And if ever a place existed where you’d need invulnerable skin (particularly if it’s flame-resistant), the internet is that place. Along with Hercules, Achilles is the closes Superman analog on the list, possessed of incredible strength, speed, fighting skill, physical beauty, and near invulnerability. If anyone could fill the physical role of a super-hero, Achilles is that man. But. As I said, emotionally he was anything but heroic, petulant and self-indulgent. What would that kind of a personality do when plunked down in the middle of modern America, with no ties of honor or hearty companions to pledge himself to?
• Arjuna: If you’re not familiar with Hindu mythology, Arjuna was an avatar of the gods, gifted with great fighting skill and incredible accuracy with a bow. Think Green Arrow only, you know, a god stand-in (and not just in his own mind). Arjuna would be a good choice if you’re looking for a non-Western hero to step forward. Plus he was a man of great spirit, thoughtful and sensitive, willing to do his duty but ever mindful of the costs others would bear. Of all the names on this list, I think he’d have the intellectual and spiritual strength to deal with a wrenching time shift and our modern culture.
• Hercules: I like to think of Hercules as a mixture of Conan and Aquaman from the new Batman “Brave and Bold” animated series, a take-no-prisoners type who thinks with his fists. And he thinks loudly. I feel like his physical approach to most problems would be frustrated when faced with modern Labors like global warming, or hunger, or poverty, or earthquakes … if we get invaded by a nine-headed half dragon, half donkey, though, he’s top of the list.
• King Arthur: I’d like to see Prince Charles try to tell King Arthur that the throne of England is already filled. Ears vs. Excalibur in the Showdown of the New Century! Arthur was, obviously, a powerful leader and great king, but ultimately I don’t know if he could come to accept a world where everyone had an equal vote, and not just the men sitting around his round table with swords and armor. Plus guns would put a serious crimp in his style.
• King Leonidas: I just wanted to say I … AM … SPARTA!! That is all.
• Merlin: The only purely mystical name on the list, Merlin probably walked the crooked byways of time and wouldn’t have any trouble dealing with modern society. He’s used to being the power behind the throne, and would likely deal with technology as just a different kind of magic. Like Arjuna, he has the mental flexibility to come to our era and still make a difference, and it’s possible his almost Machiavellian realism would be right at home in the politics of today.
• Odysseus: Smart, tricky, sly, brave, clever, and physically fit, I figure the over-under on Odysseus running the world once he got here at about ten years. Dude was a stone-cold gangster before gangsters ever existed.
• Paul Bunyan: I only have him on the list for his buddy, Babe the Big Blue Ox, because ox ribs are delicious.
• Robin Hood: If ever we needed someone to steal from the rich and give to the poor, we need him now.

I think the biggest challenge here, assuming your goal is to bring forward someone who would still be a hero to us, is in matching the mental flexibility necessary to deal with our culture and the physical gifts that would be most applicable. For instance, I don’t think just “Being Huge” like Paul Bunyan is going to be a very big plus in helping lead us boldly forward.

So the three names that jump out at me are Merlin, Arjuna, and Odysseus. Of those, I think Merlin and Odysseus would be most likely to be amoral power-mongers, out for an agenda that would be their own and not necessarily to the benefit of the world at large. Arjuna, on the other hand, I think has the greatness of heart to be a true hero, standing up for the defenseless and the downtrodden, while having the power to back it up.

Who would you pick, and why?

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Discussion to follow.

Trying to support yourself financially while a super-hero would be very difficult, I would think. Since you never know when a major crisis is going to call you away, trying to work a normal nine to five would pose problems. Plus, you’re probably going to be up most nights patrolling, which would leave you perpetually short of sleep, doubtlessly impacting your job performance.

Peter Parker’s daily struggles to make ends meet has always been one of the character’s most appealing and endearing attributes, and I’m glad Marvel’s responding to the current unemployment situation by making him deal with it too. Plus, he works in a print publishing industry that’s struggling mightily to figure out a business model in an online world, so it makes sense they’d be cutting back.

The challenge for Peter, then, is to get a job that is flexible enough to allow him to continue being a super-hero, while paying him enough to eat and pay rent.

• A science-y type job at a lab. Peter has an amazing scientific mind, having invented the web shooters and webbing and done well at university. It would be nice to think he could get a job using his brains. But lab monkey work involves keeping regular hours. Heading up research (which he’d be unqualified to do, in a resume-sense) takes a lot of hours, as well, so that wouldn’t be much better. On the other hand, I could see a lot of good plot points coming out of him working in some sort of research facility.
• Start a web site publishing Spidey photos and gossip. Granted, I’m an internet worker, so this appeals to me. But it makes a lot of sense given Peter’s somewhat unique needs. He already knows how to take photos, and one assumes he could master the intricacies of an iPhone with video support as well or something like it. He could keep doing what he was doing for the Bugle — getting exclusive and very cool images of a super-hero at work — only get paid directly. Once he had the basics of the site up and functioning (subscription only or something like that), he could pretty much come and go as he pleased, making money while swinging around fighting crime. The startup costs nowadays for an internet business are very minor and you barely have to know anything about the technology.
• Get funding to sell a variant of your spider-web formula and rake in the big bucks while doing nothing. Look, Peter, you invented one of the coolest things outside the Baxter Building. Get off your ass and sell the formula to Tony Stark or Reed Richards or someone with money, in return for a chunk of change and a continuing percentage of sales. Problem solved.
• Reveal secret ID to SHIELD and go on the payroll. Don’t fight the power any more Pete, let the power fight for you. Go on SHIELD’s payroll as an at-large agent and keep doing what you’re doing, only with benefits.
• Teaching gig at the local community college. Teachers have a very flexible work schedule and can disappear for large chunks of time without anyone objecting. Plus, hot co-eds.
• Night-time security guard. It would have to be someplace centrally located, that didn’t have anything very valuable, and which was almost completely unsupervised. Good luck with that.

If you come up with better suggestions, leave them in the comments and I can add them in to the poll. I haven’t had good luck with open-ended user-added answers in the past so I’m not turning that on right now, but I am happy to add them in myself as we go.

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But then, maybe that’s one reason he stayed popular so long? Maybe.

Anyway, that brings us to this week’s Poll Position, only one day late (appropriate when talking about death, amiright?! Although, why do they say “The late Jeff Hebert”? Of course you’re late, you’re dead — you may never get there!):

Discussion after the jump.

• Batman: Batman is epic. Batman is awesome. Batman is the best thing since bagels took mail-order jiu-jitsu lessons and learned to kick sliced bread’s ass. Why would you want Bruce Wayne dead? Because he’s awesom, epic, and the best thing since … well, you get the idea. You could certainly argue that he’s TOO big, that he looms over the comics industry like your mom at a stripper bar — looming and unpleasant and so dominant it ruins all the fun. Yes, you could argue that, but Batman would kick you in the face, so you better not.
• Iron Man: Would any of us really miss comic-book Tony Stark? I’ll grant you, movie Tony Stark with the power of Robert Downey Jr. behind him is a great, fun, unmistakable character who would be hard to replace, certainly in my wife’s affections. But comic book Tony Stark is kind of a jerk, and I don’t think anyone would shed too many tears to see him go to his reward six feet under, and someone else to don the armor permanently.
• Punisher (Frankencastle doesn’t count): No way a normal dude can avoid that many bullets for that long. It’s just not natural. As the most stubborn of the Nineties “Dark Hero” generation, I’d be happy to see him go. He’s got a legion of imitators to carry the tradition on, after all, even if their skulls are on the inside instead of on their shirts.
• Spider-Man: Newspaper strip Spider-Man could get hit by a bus tomorrow and I’d be happy. Whiny Tobey Maguire too, for that matter. But original Peter Parker comic book Spider-Man is still great. I think he’s easily one of the most memorable, likable, identifiable, and genuinely interesting mainstream characters out there. I can’t see anyone else donning that mask and being as compelling.
• Superman: A comics world without Big Blue is not a world I would enjoy reading about. He’s a tempting target because, like Batman, he’s just so huge he overshadows everything else, but I don’t think killing him off forever would be good.
• Wolverine: Wolverine’s almost as ubiquitous as Batman, but let’s be real, he’s too cool to kill off forever.
• Wonder-Woman: On one hand, Wonder Woman is kind of a useless character. On the other hand, she’s one of the few “big” female leads. On the other other hand (imagine I’m a Martian if you will), do we really need a feminist icon who’s only identifiable because she’s useless? The problem with Diana Prince is that she’s never really had a strong identity, a sense of character beyond the costume. It was always just “We need a female super-hero. Here’s one!”

For me, the perma-death of a mainstream character would have to bring something interesting to the table to be worthwhile. Just bumping them off for being annoying doesn’t appeal to me, which basically means I’d take Wonder Woman and Punisher off the list. I still like Batman and Superman and Spider-Man too much to want them removed, I think their stories and characters are still interesting and readable. Plus, I don’t think working through their replacements would hold my interest (proven, alas, with the turgid “Reign of the Super-Men” saga or whatever it was).

So for me, I’d vote for Tony Stark as Iron Man. I think the character was played out in the Sixties, pretty much, and doesn’t bring anything fresh or new to the table. I’d like to see what someone new, permanently ensconced in the suit, would do and think and become.

What about you, who would you permanently knock off, and why?

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Discussion after the jump!

• Mutant humans with super powers: The problem here is that a) you don’t know what kind of people are going to be granted these abilities, and we all know some people are real jerks; and b) there’s such a huge variation in power levels. What if the guy who gets hugely destructive powers with the morals of a dictator? On the other hand, you’re bound to get some mutants who could really advance the general welfare of humanity.
• Magic that works like science, requiring no special inborn gift to use: I like that in theory anyone could learn to be a magician, just like anyone today can learn to be a physicist. But not everyone would, which is also ok. Magic in these kinds of settings tends less to the “it can do anything” category of ridiculous to a more controlled, limited, and focused set of phenomena that are more or less predictable. This would be less exciting, but more egalitarian.
• Magical abilities available only to certain humans: Here you have similar problems to the mutant scenario, where there’s no telling who is going to be able to do what. On one hand, that’s scary because you’ve automatically got two tiers of people, and one or the other is likely to get the shaft in a situation like that. On the other hand, the world’s already divided up into various kinds of haves and have-nots, so this would be just one more thing to deal with.
• Active Infernal and Heavenly entities — angels and demons: I realize a lot of people believe this is happening already, but I’m talking comic-book levels of involvement here. And I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing. At least with mutants and magicians, you’ve got beings who are fundamentally human. Angels and demons are fundamentally not-human, and yet would be running around with vast levels of power and control. That scares me.
• Psionic abilities like telepathy, telekinesis, empathy, etc.: I probably should have broken this up into “for anyone” or “limited users” like with magic, because I do think that makes a difference. But I think mental powers are cool.
• Portals to alternate realities: This could be hugely great, or hugely awful, depending on what’s on the other end of those portals.

I think I’d probably go with the last one, multi-dimensional or alternate reality portals. They’d be a bunch of new frontiers for us to grow into, getting us out from this one breadbasket, and we’d probably have access to some amazing new stuff. I think humanity could do with an outward-facing frontier again.

What about you, what would you bring into the real world if you could?

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You can look up more information about these various groups of gods on Wikipedia or this nifty site called “Godchecker.com“. My thoughts, such as they are, after the jump. Also, some of these are still (more or less) active in the world today, with actual followers and everything — I certainly mean no disrespect to anyone out there who believes the gods of the given pantheon already really exist. I am referring instead to them as they might play out in a comic-book, super-hero sense, and not in any way to disparage how they are actively worshiped today.

• Celtic: The Celts were a pretty cool bunch, in my opinion, their gods having to do with all sorts of nifty things like the woods, music, hunting, and bravery. They didn’t go much in for wholesale human sacrifice and the like, which is a bonus when ancient deity shopping. Furthermore, they had some pretty awesome attitudes about sex and love. A pretty good choice for the ease and comfort of us workaday mortals.
• Cthulhuan: I like to think that even a devout squid/octopus lover like P.Z. Meyers would not want to see this particular god and its cult come to life here in the real world, with all the horror and the brain exploding and the soul-eating and the hey-hey. No, thank you.
• Egyptian: A pretty bloody lot, overall, depending on which one you choose to follow. But for every Bast or Set you let in, you get a winner like Horus or Ra, so it’s a bit of a mixed bag. They were heavily into hierarchies and priests and tithing, though.
• Greek: Talk about your fun-loving group of gods. Unlike their later, grimmer, Roman counterparts, the Greek pantheon knew how to have a good time. Sure, you had to put up with the (more than) occasional Zeus-wenching, but you also had the upside of demi-gods. This had the clearest path to what we think of as super-heroes on a large scale, so it’d be neat in that regard. The gods themselves tended to be capricious and saw mortals more or less as playthings, but they were not, for the most part, deliberately evil. Rather like children with more power than was good for them, but far from the worst of the lot.
• Hindu: There’s a thread of super-heroism in some of the Bhagavad Gita and Mahabharata, in the sense that avatars of the gods would walk among mortals and perform great deeds. Despite having read both, a long time ago, however, I am not very well-versed in Hinduism. And as the most widespread of currently-practiced religions on the list, I hesitate to take it very lightly.
• Native American: Primarily nature spirits, my sense is that we could probably all do better if there were very powerful supernatural beings out there actively fighting to keep us humans in balance with the natural world.
• Norse: Talk about grim. Yes, they’re cool in a Thor-hurling-hammers sense, but these guys made their living in the harshest climates you can imagine, and had the no-nonsense sensibility to match. Be careful what you wish for with Odin and his fellow gods.
• Roman: Like the Greek gods, only less whimsical and more “the pointy end of the spear goes in the other man”.

So looking over the list, I’d probably go with either Native Americans or the Celts. Those gods seemed to be more in the role of big brothers or wise mentors and conservators than either completely evil overlords or stern slave-masters like a few of the other choices.

Which would you choose, and why?

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Discussion after the jump.

• Classmates: I was thinking Xavier’s School, X-Men style school here, not your more typical jocks-beating-up-geeks junior high setup. If the former, not so bad. If the latter … no, since I was one of the geeky ones. I don’t want to think of some of those guys having both super-powers AND the responsibility for watching my back.
• Family: Models for this would include the Fantastic Four and the more recent Noble Family series. To a large extent, this would depend on the family members in question. If you have a jerky little brother, imagine him with the power to read your mind. Or blast you with fireballs. Yeah, not a pretty picture, is it? Plus families can be wearing even when you all love each other, throw having to work together all day running around in spandex and it can be a little daunting.
• Government-sponsored: This has the advantage of some job-security, a steady paycheck, maybe retirement benefits, and probably some neat gadgets to play with. On the downside, you have no privacy, you’re probably going to be asked to die for some bureaucratic oversight, and you have very little power over your day to day career.
• Greek gods: To some degree this depends on which God you get to be. And they were all kind of jerks most of the time.
• Law enforcement: This has a lot of the upside of Government-sponsored, without some of the more egregious drawbacks. There’s definitely a camaraderie to being in a “-force” of like-minded people, and you have clearly defined enemies — law-breakers — versus just whoever the government decides they’re pissed off at that day.
• Paramilitary: Sort of a mix between working for the government and being in law enforcement. Although, technically law-enforcement IS the government, but I was thinking more of a Police Department vs. the Pentagon vs. a mercenary outfit. Paramilitary to me seems like a lot of morally gray areas, and a lot of rules, without much backup. On the other hand, you’d be free to do the bidding of your own conscience more than you would if you were a government agent.
• Patriots: I was thinking here of your Captain America “band of brothers” type of thing, I suppose. Meh.
• Snakes: Because snakes are cool, and get to go on planes.

Overall, I’d probably go with Family. I actually like my family, they’re fun and moral and relatively easy to get along with. There’s a trust factor there I wouldn’t have with more casual acquaintances too, but I can see how someone from a less pleasant familial situation would avoid this like the plague.

Which would you choose, and why?

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Now, you’re not going to actually BECOME the person in question, you’re just going to have powers BASED ON them. So keep that in mind as we join the discussion after the jump.

• Antaeus: Antaeus was the wrestler who could not be defeated as long as he was touching the ground. He was eventually beaten by Hercules, who held him overhead and strangled him to death, I believe. Now, in a normal world, this is a pretty great power. There aren’t a whole lot of people strong enough to pick you up and strangle you, after all. However, you also have to be wary of getting shot while you’re jumping and whatnot.
• Apollo: Likely powers here would obviously involve some sort of flames, since Apollo’s main job was driving the sun across the sky each day. He was also a great archer, however, as well as being in charge of music. There are a lot of possibilities here, as Apollo was definitely one of the big boys in the Greek pantheon.
• Atlas: Atlas didn’t do much besides carry the entire world — literally — on his shoulders. Of course the world was a lot smaller back then, so how impressive was that, really? Regardless, he’s pretty strong, and if the power set included the ability to lift literally anything, that might be kind of interesting.
• Artemis: The goddess of the hunt, I would think powers based on her would essentially make you the baddest archer, stalker, tracker, and ranger of all time. Which would be like being Green Arrow, but not sucking.
• Hermes: Speed, flight, and overnight delivery guaranteed or your money back. Plus all the flowers you can stand from your FTD Florist, which is nice.
• Medusa: If you could turn the flesh-to-stone power off, this wouldn’t be that bad. If you can’t … well, let’s just say you’d better avoid mirror fun houses at the carnival. Of course, Marvel had Medusa from the Inhumans, whose power was to stretch her hair like Reed Richards stretches his body. So that’s an option.
• Poseidon: One of the big boys like Apollo, this power set would deal with water. On the low end we’re talking about water breathing, swimming, maybe control of fish, that sort of thing. You know, Aquaman. On the higher end we’re talking the ability to literally control typhoons and water tornadoes and all kinds of scary things.
• Zeus: The biggest of the big boys, a Zeus-like power set would have to include throwing thunderbolts. On the downside, you might be fatally attracted to swans. Or cows. Or any of the other myriad of beasts the King of the Gods took a shining to back in the day. He was not a well man, sexually speaking.

The temptation is to go with overall might, with Zeus, Apollo, or Poseidon. But I don’t really like water, and Zeus’ peccadilloes frighten me. Apollo is very tempting because he was so varied, you could go in a lot of directions with him.

I also really like the idea of being a Super Ranger, based on Artemis and the hunt.

At the end of the day, though, I’d go with the speed and flight of Mercury. That’s not as flashy or massive as some of the other powers here, but I don’t see myself as super-strong. I love the idea of flying, and I always thought the Flash (clearly based on Mercury) was cool.

Who would you pick if you could?

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To be clear, the world of the comics character is real. You would continue living your life here in our reality, but you could go into a cyber tank and take control over the target’s body, which would lie inert and lifeless while you were not jacked in. So basically it would be their body and your mind, but only while you’re awake and in the pod.

So given that, let’s talk about what selection you’d make.

• Green Lantern: They key here is that you’re literally taking over the entire being, so it’s not like you’re “running” Hal Jordan (or whoever the hell is running the ring nowadays) — it’s you in their body. So the question would be whether or not you personally have the willpower to be a GL. Your consciousness and willpower, not Jordan’s, will be behind the power.
• Batman: Like GL, this sounds good until you think about what makes Batman THE BATMAN. It’s not so much the toys or the money, it’s that brilliantly dark and implacable mind. You put Bruce Wayne’s consciousness in a twelve year old girl’s body, and I guarantee you the criminal underworld would be cowed within six months. On the other hand, you give me the Batmobile and utility belt and inside six months it’ll be wrecked and I’ll have accidentally hanged myself from a building while trying to swing away.
• Hulk: On the other hand, there’s not much skill or will involved with being Big Mean Green. Or Red. Gray. Purple? Whatever, even a nimrod like me could be an effective Hulk, as I am capable of remembering the Hulk Prime Directive: SMASH!!
• Lobo: Lobo’s got a nice power set, a great bike, and tons of contacts who know how to have a good time. If you’re the hedonist sort, this is a compelling choice. On the flip side, he’s also got a rather intimidating enemies list.
• Punisher: The key question here is whether the skills of firing a gun are instincts built into the body (in which case you’d be fine) or if they’re primarily mental (in which case you’re not). Regardless, I always thought Frank Castle’s life was pretty damn depressing, and I can’t imagine having to live it even by proxy.
• Spider-Man: Spider-Man’s powers seem pretty straightforward to master, or at least to get familiar enough with for you to be able to survive. He’s got a modest but livable real life that I could understand. It wouldn’t be that different from being me, only with the benefit of some pretty cool super-abilities. A very tempting choice.
• Superman: Unlike Batman or GL, almost all of Superman’s powers are built in to the body. So even if they take a while for you to master, who cares, you’re invulnerable! However, Superman doesn’t need to sleep, but you do. So those eight hours a night while you’re catching Z’s back here in the real world, Metropolis, Lois, Jimmy, and the rest of the world are without its mightiest defender.
• Thor: Thor’s got awesome powers, worshipers, a kingdom at his beck and call, and few responsibilities otherwise. On the down side, he’s got gods and monsters hungry for his head. He also has a lot of responsibilities as king, and would probably be awakened during the night while you were crashed out. Not a problem if you don’t actually give a crap about a bunch of spoiled Asgardians, but responsibility is responsibility, you know?
• Wolverine: Logan, of course, has no responsibilities. He’s a free agent mostly, able to do what he wants when he wants. He can’t be killed, and he kicks ass, and he gets to smoke cigars.

From a fun standpoint, I’d probably be Wolverine. You have to love his powers, and he doesn’t have a lot of the baggage that goes with it. You’d be able to make a new (fake) life with him, leaving behind the baggage of his personal past, without taking on a lot of responsibilities.

Superman has the sweetest power set, of course, but I don’t think I could take leaving the world without help for however long each night or day. Plus you’ve got the whole reporter job, villains hungry to take you out, Lois nattering on all day, blah blah blah.

But I’d probably choose Spider-Man. He’s got a pretty decent regular life, he lives in a cool city and has access to all the normal-people things you’d want in a life while not out super-heroing, and his powers are fun.

Which would you choose, and why?

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I confess this train of thought left the tracks at Chris’ Invincible Super-Blog, where he often refers to his favorite classic Jim Aparo Batman scene of the Dark Knight knocking a criminal out with a car battery.

So no drawn-out analysis of the options this week*, just sit back and think about various ways of jacking someone up, Caped Crusader-style, and inner nirvana will be yours.

*By which I mean the clear answer should be “Aquaman”.

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Discussion after the jump.

• Underwear on the outside: I can’t think of another job outside of being a “Victoria’s Secret” model that so often requires you to expose your unmentionables. From Superman to Batman to the original Wolverine, the colored briefs are a staple of the basic super-hero. And I can’t really figure out why. Looking back on the original characters of the 1940’s, not all of them followed the convention. You see a lot of jodhpurs and full leotards, too. And the very first iteration of Superman featured one-color tights, the briefs were added a couple of issues later. Captain Marvel, the most popular character of the day, didn’t have briefs on the outside. I suppose since Superman was the main engine driving sales after the collapse of the industry, and he wore them, everyone else who came along sort of built their characters along those guidelines.
• Mask: Not all popular characters wear masks, but most did. Of the Holy Trinity, for example, only Batman went cowled. A lot of the Golden Age characters were actually named for their masks, a carryover I suspect from the popularity of Western comics and their Lone Ranger style masked adventurers. This changed to a large degree, I think, withe the advent of the Marvel characters, like the Fantastic Four and many of the X-Men.
• Insignia / Logo: Logos seem to have gone out of fashion in the last few decades, but certainly most of the major Silver Age characters had them. Again, I think this was at least in part the result of DC being the industry giant, and basing their designs on Superman, whose logo in many ways defines him. Other than the early leader Spider-Man, most of your major Marvel characters are logo-less, and certainly with the move in recent years to more “realistic” costume design, you see them even less.
• Color scheme: It’s hard to miss a guy in bright blue, red, and yellow tights as being a super-hero. Or cross-dresser.
• Cape: Sadly, no one wears capes in polite society any more, which means someone running by in a cape is probably a super. Like logos, though, capes have sort of gone out of fashion.

Looking that list over, I think it’s hard to point to any one thing as being definitive. Football players sport logos on their helmets and bright colors in their uniforms. Gymnasts wear nothing BUT underwear on the outside. Wrestler masks pretty much defined the sport for quite a while.

About the only thing on that list you don’t really see anyone but stage magicians sporting are the capes. But an awful lot of characters don’t use them, so I am instead going to go with “underwear on the outside” because, come on, the only way you can get away with that is to have super-human powers so you can smite those who would mock you.

Which way would you go?

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