Discussion to follow!

• Clark Kent (Superman): Superman isn’t nearly as interesting without Clark Kent. If you lose the bumbling, inept everyman, it becomes much harder to relate to the all-powerful Super man. Clark keeps the character grounded, giving us regular folks something to relate to. Otherwise you end up with “Superman Returns” where Big Blue floats above the Earth Christ-like, completely removed from our troubles.
• Bruce Wayne (Batman): While you wouldn’t have Batman without Bruce Wayne (no shooting of the parents, no Dark Knight), Wayne has always seemed quite superfluous to me. Yes, he has money and thus we get cool Bat-toys, but I always felt Batman couldn’t wait to get into the cowl and shuck the idiotic playboy already. And as the reader, I felt the same way. Bruce Wayne exists solely to allow Batman to function, which makes him the narrative equivalent of an identity pimp.
• Peter Parker (Spider-Man): Like Superman, Peter Parker completes the character. The difference is that BOTH identities are bumbling losers in some sense. But from Aunt May to Mary Jane to Gwen Stacy, all of the greatest moments in Spider-Man’s life are tied in to Peter Parker’s problems. While Superman sometimes feels like he’s slumming it as Clark — you know he’s invulnerable, so it’s all just an act — the fact that Spider-Man has more freedom of acting within his power while still being imminently fallible and vulnerable to the same kinds of heartaches as his alter ego really create a neat dynamic.
• Tony Stark (Iron-Man): Like Bruce Wayne, Tony Stark’s money allows his super-hero identity to exist. But while Bruce Wayne and Batman seemed like two completely separate people who frankly don’t like each other all that much, Tony Stark and Iron Man have always felt much more like one-and-the-same guy.
• Bruce Banner (Hulk): Talk about two identities who don’t care for each other much! I love the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde dynamic here, with the brainy yet wimpy scientist paired with the rageaholic behemoth. The fact that it’s Bruce’s anger that produces the beast is especially cool.

Looking at the list, I think I’d have to say that Peter Parker is the best super-hero secret identity. And I say that because he’s just as important to the stories, in an organic and intelligent way, as the Spider-Man identity is. You could see Superman one day shucking the Clark persona and just going with the flying blue underoo set, and it wouldn’t change his world much. The Hulk and Bruce Banner have eliminated each other so many times over the years I’ve lost track, and so I can’t think either one is essential. Tony Stark basically is Iron Man, there’s not much to differentiate them there, and I just can’t get past Bruce Wayne’s essentially enabling existence.

With Spider-Man and Peter Parker, you get enough of a difference between them to be interesting, while keeping them similar enough to be relatable. Peter has interesting friends and enemies, and so does Spider-Man. Each has their own complete set of advantages and disadvantages, so neither one feels like a useless appendage to the other.

But that’s just me, what do you think?

In the spirit of last week’s question, which generated some great ideas and discussion, once again we bring ourselves to wonder what happens if we’re not who we think we are:

Discussion to follow! And since last week the suggestions were all actual good ideas and not inappropriate in any way, I’ve left it open this time as well for you to put in your own answers. Make them good though!

You’ve been a sleeper agent for a while, and now you’ve been “activated” to regain your memories and identity and have been brought back to the main group to retake your rightful place.

“We surrender! Can we take off these ridiculous outfits now please?”

• HYDRA: On the positive side, you have a shot at acquiring super powers of some sort. On the down side, they’d be based on a snake, and the odds are good your outfit would look fairly ridiculous.
• Intergang: If you’re going to be in a villain organization, DC isn’t a bad universe to do it it, as most heroes not named “Punisher” have a code versus killing of some sort. If you end up as a regular minion that’s a Good Thing. And if you’re going to be in the DC Universe, you can’t do better than having Superman as your main adversary. They don’t call him the Big Blue Boy Scout for nothing. However, Intergang is ultimately backed by Darkseid, and Apokolips has a terrible dental plan. And health plan. And retirement plan. Also they tend to punish failure not with a swift merciful death, but an eternity of unimaginable torment.
• League of Assassins: Most of the League of Assassins don’t have super powers per se, but rather tend to be just all-around ruthless bastards with legions of ninja minions to fling about. Would that make them ninjions? Also, you’re probably going up against Batman, and even though you probably won’t end up dead because of it you probably WILL get a severe beating every time you leave HQ.
• A.I.M.: Like HYDRA, you have to wear a ridiculous outfit even if you’re just a grunt. Maybe it’s having the group name in all caps or something, I don’t know, but these guys have got to get a new tailor. But, you get neat toys to play with and I bet they have a good retirement plan.
• Brotherhood of Evil Mutants: Your odds of actually having a super power are pretty good, as most Evil Mutants can’t join up unless they can prove to Magneto (or whoever the hell runs this thing nowadays) that they can take out an X-Man or two. But let’s get real, who puts “Evil” right in their group name, you know? Most evil people don’t think of themselves as evil, after all, and it makes getting a reservation at Appleby’s for your company lunch really hard.
• Cobra: They’re set up for soldiering, which means they know how to take care of the troops. Like, you. Steady chow, a decent paycheck, and perhaps the chance to meet The Baroness. Of course you might end up having to be the guy who cleans up her leather combat suits, which would suck. But still, you can do worse than facing adversaries whose guns or lasers or whatever appear to be completely non-lethal.
• LexCorp: The nice thing about working for LexCorp is that you can tell your family and friends about it, as Lex goes to some lengths to keep his business at least looking legitimate. You’d probably have benefits, too. Plus you get to be all sinister and evil during the day, and still go home at night to suburbia and have dinner with the nice couple down the street without people trying to arrest you or hide their kids. Nice.

Practically speaking the best choice is probably LexCorp, but I admit I think it would be cool to be an Evil Mutant. There’s something to be said for just putting it out there that you’re evil and you don’t care who knows it. Plus I think it would be neat to have a mutant super power.

What about you, what would you pick?

Our Poll Position question this week may be late, but it’s a doozy:

Discussion to follow! And you’ll note I have made it possible for you to add your own possible answer here. If the past is any indication, this freedom will last for about an hour before someone submits something so egregiously out of order I have to close that part off. But we’ll see.

• Skrull: The Skrulls can change form, either over their whole bodies or just in part. They can see in spectra not available to humans. If you’re lucky enough to be a Super Skrull, you could even have super powers. Plus you get access to incredibly advanced technology. On the down side, you have a chin like a coral reef and have to live in a dictatorship. Tough call.
• Kree: Advanced technology and a thousand worlds to explore, but not much else. Yes, you get some extra strength and durability, but you can’t breath Earth’s atmosphere without help. On the other hand, who needs Earth when you’ve got a thousand advanced worlds to explore?
• Thanagarians: No super-human powers inherent in the species. The best you can hope for is a set of wings, a glowing mace, and a badge. Whoopee. Although as the world’s largest pigeon you’d be in a prime position to get revenge on that ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or at least, their car.
• Shi’ar: Great technology, super strength, the power of flight, and way cool advanced technology, all with a multiple-galaxy-spanning culture wherein you’re suddenly one of the ruling species. Pretty sweet. Plus, you never have to worry about dandruff again because you’ve got feathers instead of hair. Bonus!
• Kzinti: This one is slightly less known than the others, but comes from Larry Niven’s “Known Space” series. I wanted a feline species on here because, come on, lots of folks have a thing for cat-people. Especially mercenary, bad-ass space-faring cat-people.
• High Elves: Personally I find Tolkien’s High Elves a little too remote and dreamy for my tastes, but your mileage may vary.
• Vulcan: Rad strength, primitive telepathy, nerve pinches (I know, I know!), great technology, raging hormones … what’s not to love?!

Personally I’d go with Shi’ar, because I’d love to have super strength, super toughness, and the ability to fly, plus who doesn’t want to be part of the ruling class of the universe?

But what about you, what would you choose?

So, yeah, I got confused as to what day it was yesterday and accidentally published “Bad Super Costume Wednesday” on Tuesday. These things happen when you work from home, time just blurs together. Now I’m having to publish Poll Position Tuesday on Wednesday instead, thereby ripping a hole in the space-time continuum.

Which fits, actually, because I’m going to be pulling from the entire history of super-hero comics for this week’s question. After contemplating Wolverine massacring hordes of screaming Teletubbies, I thought we should go a little more high-brow this time around:

Discussion after the jump.

First of all, I think there’s a philosophical debate to be had about whether group titles should count when considering the single best example of the genre. On the one hand, some of these titles are constrained by the need of the publishing house to keep the individual characters’ own books running strong, so the kinds of stories you get can be a little skewed. That’s certainly the case with the all-star type teams like the Avengers and the Justice League. But then you have something like “X-Men”, which was conceived as a team title from the very beginning and thus has a very different kind of dynamic.

On the other hand, team-ups are as much a part of the genre as tights and super powers. From the very dawn of the Golden Age virtually every other character had a side-kick of some sort, so I don’t think the argument that super-heroes must be judged as individuals really holds up.

And besides, I already hit “publish” on the list that had teams in it, so nyah.

• Avengers: Along with the “Fantastic Four”, the Avengers really brought the Marvel sensibility to the concept of the team book. You had big egos, massive power levels, titanic villains, and all the daily problems and angst you’d expect from the House of Realism. For me, though, that is what keeps The Avengers from being my go-to example, and frankly what worries me about the movie. When your calling card as a publisher is making characters with real-world problems and treating them as realistically as you can while remaining in the genre, the idea that you’d need or want a dozen of these folks all in the same place at the same time is a little hard to swallow. Does a living god really need an insect-sized housewife to help him out?
• Batman: I definitely think Batman is the best “normal powered guy” super-hero out there, bar none. He’s also been dominant throughout multiple eras, in multiple media outlets, from radio to television to movies and more. That kind of staying power and versatility is truly remarkable. Furthermore he’s had enormous range as a character, from the Sherlock Holmesian detective to the slapstick parody of Adam West to the grim, relentless Goddam Batman of Frank Miller. Something about this character allows him to be incredibly flexible while never losing the core essence that draws fans to him. Again, remarkable.
• Captain America: What I like about Cap as the ultimate super hero comics character is how timeless and pure he is. Out of all the old-timers on the list, he’s the only one who remained literally the same guy from the Golden Age to today, thanks to that iceberg. Superman and Batman existed in their current forms, more or less, throughout that entire time, but their histories and characters were persistent throughout, getting reset from time to time to reflect the era better. But Cap stayed true, literally transported in time to remain the same patriotic dude. And I think that patriotism, that sense of a super-hero as a nation’s ideal, is what puts him on this list.
• Iron Man: I needed another guy to flesh the list out to ten, and thus we have Stark. Plus the movie has really helped his profile out a lot. Other than that, though, let’s be honest — Iron Man has always been a sort of high B-list character. On the other hand, he’s arguably the best techno-hero going, at least in terms of longevity and staying power. So that’s saying something.
• Justice League of America: This was my team book growing up. I loved the whole satellite HQ, I loved the idea that Superman (ultra powerful alien do-gooder) and Batman (normal human dark avenger) could not only coexist, but actively help each other. Like the Legion, I also loved the extended cast as time went on, allowing the reader to experience some cool but lesser-known characters. Their adventures are, I think, a good general survey of what the genre has to offer, from time travel to sci-fi space battles to crime fighting and everything in between. In that sense, the JLA would be a pretty good stand-in for what super hero comics are all about.
• Punisher: I don’t like the Punisher, but I know you all do. Make your case in the comments, because I can’t. To me he’s just another bad guy in good guy clothing. Well, a skull shirt, but you know what I mean.
• Spider-Man: I think Spider-Man is the ultimate Everyman stand-in. He’s like most of us who are reading — a little dweeby, maybe, but if we could only get bitten by something radioactive, we just know we’d make a great hero! He’s easy to relate to, powerful, interesting, and versatile. He can duke it out with the big boys if he needs to, but he’s not so overwhelmingly powerful the stories stop making sense.
• Superman: I don’t think I need to say too much about Superman. Come on, he pretty much defined the genre from the very beginning! I think you can make a good argument that he’s basically been left behind by the modern comics movements, and is thus irrelevant, but I think there’s always going to be a place for Big Blue as the ultimate “power hero”.
• Wolverine: A great blend of violence and control, everyman and hero. All those times you wished Batman would just cut loose on the Joker or Superman would just rip Luthor’s head off already, well, Wolverine scratches that itch just fine. The difference between him and the Punisher, at least for me, is that Wolverine strives to control his baser side, while the Punisher more or less revels in it. And being a hero, at least in my book, means someone who’s trying to be better than those he fights, not become them.
• X-Men: One of the all-time great team titles. All the juicy Marvel human drama, with all the exaggerated power levels you’d want even from DC. A huge range of powers, a huge range of personalities, and killer story lines. There’s a reason this has been the best-selling series of titles of the modern era.

Clearly, I think you have to take a serious look at Superman as the best overall example of the genre. The guy’s been the most popular character in multiple eras, right from the very beginning to today. The counter argument is that he’s become irrelevant and doesn’t translate as well to today’s audience with his Boy Scout ways and his incredibly ridiculous power level. It’s hard to say if the failure of “Superman Returns” was a one-off problem with that particular script, or something deeper, but he’s definitely not the same bigshot he was at the beginning.

Batman, on the other hand, I think has had a much more successful run throughout the same time period in terms of being adaptable to the times. But you could argue that this is actually a weakness, that the character himself hasn’t got the strength to remain strong and defined but rather is waffling and at the whim of the current fashion.

If we’re talking team books, clearly for me X-Men would have to do it. However, the run was at its most influential in the Nineties, which is a definite mark against it. Much like fashion in the Seventies, comics in the Nineties are tainted.

Finally, I think Wolverine definitely merits strong consideration for the modern era. Does he have the long history spanning multiple eras of a Batman, Superman, or even Spider-Man? No. But I think he’s the best example of a modern super-hero. And if I’m trying to think of the single best title I can hand someone to say “This is what a super hero comics character is at its best”, Logan’s a real contender.

I get the feeling this vote’s basically going to come down to old-timers versus those who cut their teeth on the more recent characters. Since I’m an old fart, you’d think I’d go with Superman. But I’m not — I think he’s too static, basically, for me to want to hold him up as the exemplar.

And I think Batman is just too … Batman. He’s everywhere and does everything. He’s so flexible, I’d be afraid of what era you chose to use as your example.

Which is why, to my surprise, I’m going to go with Wolverine. When I think of interesting, engaging stories based on character and comic book levels of action, Wolverine does it. His classic runs are the ones I’d most want to sit someone down with out of this list to show what super-hero comics can do.

Yes, I do read “Invincible” and I love it. But I think for something like this you need a character with a history, a pedigree, a long-term proven ability to endure.

So what do you think?

Obviously this has been inspired by the recent run of “Ewoks Vs.” sketches of the day. But why limit our scope to just cartoon-on-cartoon violence, when we can expand it into the world of super powers? I mean, if Ewoks can roast the likes of a Snarf or a Papa Smurf, surely Wolverine can do much, much worse.

After the jump I will (and I can’t believe I am writing this sentence) analyze the merits of Wolverine berserking his way through a mass of cartoon characters of various sorts.

• Care Bears: I admit, I hate the Care Bears. They’re just that perfect combination of squishy and sappy that, let’s be honest, is perfectly formulated to spatter in a most satisfactory manner beneath razor sharp adamantium claws. I like to imagine one of them looking up with soulful eyes as Wolverine bears down on it saying “You must be Angry Bear!” just before impact. Good times.
• Ewoks: The big advantage to Ewoks is that they’re not really animated, so instead you’d have to go full-on major motion picture level special effects. And that would be awesome. Hugh Jackman’s a little too sweet to pull this off with the visceral level of rage that would really be required, though, so they’d probably have to contract the part off to someone with no soul and the capacity to act like a mindless idiot. I hear Vin Diesel’s available.
• Muppets: I can’t support this, I love me some Muppets. Plus they’re actually stuffed with foam, and foam doesn’t spatter. I am now officially worried about myself.
• My Little Ponies: My wife would probably leave me if I suggested violence against any sort of horse, even incredibly annoying animated ones. So this is out for me.
• Smurfs: Maybe if the havoc so wreaked is excessive enough, we can stop the Smurfs movie from actually being released. And that would be a mercy for all of us.
• Minions: The little goggled guys from “Despicable Me” are sooooo cute! I think their adorable laughs and giggles would be precious as they were flung against the walls in tatters in Wolverine’s wake. What, they’re ultimately bad guys, aren’t they?
• Fraggles: I don’t have strong feelings about Fraggle Rock one way or the other, but I figured some of you might, so have at it.

As far as I can tell, Care Bears are just pure evil. It’s not even close — get ready to slice and dice, Logan, I see Care Burgers in your immediate future.

How about you, intrepid readers, what would you like to see? Noting, of course, that this is all tongue-in-cheek. Mostly.

With a special thanks to the HeroMachine Facebook group for most of these suggestions, our question of the week veers away from the various permutations of “Whose ass would Wolverine or Batman kick” to something more light-hearted:

I really wanted to open this up to let you add your own suggestions, but in the past that hasn’t gone very well — someone inevitably submits an offensive or wildly immature entry and I have to go in and delete it. But hey, that’s what comments are for! So let me put on my Very Serious Scholar face and take a look at the options.

• Howard the Duck vs. Bat-Mite: I have to admit, the juxtaposition of the very serious and grumpy Howard with the ultimate in Bat-absurdity would be a fun one. I hope there would be a scene where Howard puts his cigar out in Bat-Mite’s eye.
• GI Joe vs. The Avengers: This is the most “serious” one on the list, and I have to admit a Mark Millar-scripted confrontation between the Ultimates Avengers and the GI Joe team would be pretty fun.
• Cannonball vs. Bulletman: Talk about your “head to head” matchups … I think Dodge should definitely sponsor this for their Ram trucks.
• Power Pack vs. Great Lakes Avengers: I know the Power Pack was supposed to be “serious” comics fare but come on — little kids in skin-tight leotards and space boots? With a talking horse friend? That’s only slightly more ridiculous than the Great Lakes Avengers.
• Mr. Fantastic vs. Plastic Man: As commenter Gene Howard said, I’d like to see this but I refuse to untangle the resulting knot.
• Ewoks vs. Care Bears: The upside here is, no matter who loses, WE win.

If I sit back and ask myself “Jeff, what would you most like to see on a comic book page?”, I have to first assure my wife that talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. Necessarily. Then I have to admit to myself that I’ve been sneaking Twinkies behind my back. Slut!

But after THAT, I know that watching Care Bears and Ewaks off each other in glorious four color mayhem would make me almost unutterably happy. So that gets my vote. How about you?

And though it’s not on the list, this is the kind of fun I’m talking about:

One of the more irritating customs of the comics genre is that nothing is permanent. If your favorite character or supporting cast member dies, just wait a few issues and he or she will be back, one way or another. They play the same trick with powers, taking them away and adding them over and over again, so if you follow a character long enough you end up in a constant fugue state of deja-vu, knowing you’ve seen that story arc before.

That remains true even for the Big Guy himself, Superman, who’s been through the death-no powers-new powers-back to the old powers loop plenty of times, particularly in the recent past. But I got to wondering what it would be like in a fantasy fantasy world where Superman permanently had one of his major powers deleted:

Thoughts after the jump!

• Invulnerability: This is the big one, as we’ve discussed before. Now, Kal-El has lost his invulnerability plenty of times, but it’s usually within the context of being under a red sun or somesuch, and he loses it along with all of his other abilities. But what would Superman be like if he was still super strong, still super fast, still super-everything, except he could be hurt like a regular human. Would his experience of pain and knowledge that he could be killed change how he acted, how he thought, how he related to his fellow Earthlings?
• Flight: They’re sort of playing with this in the current Superman arc, where he’s walking his way across middle America to reconnect with the heartland. Or whatever. I smell a Nike sponsorship somewhere along the line. Anyway, he hasn’t lost the ability to fly, he’s just not using it voluntarily for a bit. I’ve often thought that his ability to be completely above human affairs, literally, has a huge impact on how he views us. Batman has no choice but to take to the streets. Spider-Man can swing through the cityscape but he has to be attached to it regardless. They’re a piece of the city they patrol, a part of the lives of its citizens. But Superman sees everything from the vantage point of the gods, looking ever down on us like a child staring at ants. A permanent change in perspective might be interesting, although they’d have to alter his catch phrase. “Look, on the ground! It’s a horse! No, it’s a DeLorean! No, it’s SUPERMAN!” Doesn’t have quite the same ring, does it?
• Super strength: What would it be like to be invulnerable, but the same strength as a regular person? I’d imagine you’d get pinned beneath a lot of rubble. But on the other hand, he’d still have super speed, so in essence he’d be like a Super Flash, without the molecular control.
• Super speed: I think sometimes super-speed is the most egregious of the major Superman powers. It’s the catalyst that makes all his other abilities over the edge from awesome to plain old unfair. Like in the last point, he’s basically an invulnerable, super strong, vision-powered Flash. And Flash is already super! Take away the speed and at least you’d have someone who could be hit by the occasional bad guy, you know?
• Heat vision: Heat vision never made sense to me. All of his other abilities (well, mostly) are super-enhanced versions of things anyone could do. We all have muscles, his are just super. We all can move, he just moves super fast. But how do you get from enhanced regular abilities to the power to shoot lasers from your eyeballs? Yes, yes, he’s an alien, whatever — it’s one of those lame Golden Age “kitchen sink” abilities that just don’t fit the character concept at all. The fact that we’ve all gotten so used to it that we barely notice it any more doesn’t make it right. On the other hand, this is the most “second tier” of the abilities listed, and would not make much of a dent in the character overall.

For my money, I’d axe the super speed. We already have speedsters, why should Superman be the best or almost the best at that, too? Give the other guys something to brag about! I think it would help him to experience life at a mortal’s pace, and would make the challenges he faces more interesting.

What about you, which one would you prefer to see taken away forever?

Having worked our way from imaginary epic super-battles from land to air, could you doubt that sea was far away?

So slip on that swim suit and let’s get moist!

• Aquaman: I pick on poor Arthur quite a bit, and I confess that’s mostly due to my earliest impressions of the character coming from incredibly lame “Super Friends” episodes when he’d die after an hour out of the water. Nothing intimidates an enemy like the sight of a super hero toting around an emergency spritzer. But since this all-out slugfest we’re imagining would take place under water in the first place, that’s not really a concern. And given that, Aquaman is clearly a stud. Strong, fast, cunning, and with the ability to command sea creatures, it’s easy to see why he’s King of the Sea.
• Namor the Sub-Mariner: Of course, there’s a King of the Marvel Sea as well, and he’s arguably even tougher and wilier (is that a word?) than Aquaman. He also matches Arthur on the silliness scale with those inane ankle wings. However, as we said, this is under water so the wings don’t really enter into it. However, you have to consider the awesome power of the scaly Speedo, an item of clothing so intimidating it has been known to knock air breathers right on their rumps.
• Abe Sapien: While he’s looking about quizzically and trying to empathize, Namor would put his fist through his skull.
• Marrina (Alpha Flight): She actually fought Namor a time or two when her alien nature got the best of her, I think, so she’s not the pushover you might expect from the big eyes and cute smile. Depending on the time of the month, she could be a real contender. And I am about to get slugged by my wife for saying that. OUCH!
• The Man From Atlantis: Patrick Duffy followed in the tradition of Keith Carradine by never actually using his abilities until the last possible second, and then for literally just that second. He did have the whole under water whole-body seizure swimming technique down, however. He should’ve stayed in Dallas, though, because in a fight any one of the other people on this list would use him and his white-guy afro as a towel.
• Triton: Another Marvel hero, this member of the Inhumans sports the nifty head fin any serious scaled savage needs to be taken seriously.
• Stingray: Just a guy in a suit, but ask Tony Stark — guys in suits can rock.

Honestly, the two main names are Namor and Aquaman. And I’d be honestly curious to see how a fight between them would shake out. In general, DC characters tend to have more raw power, but Marvel characters tend to have the will to use what they’ve got more ruthlessly. I’m pretty torn on this one, unsure which way to go. I get caught up between the scaly Speedo and the scaly orange tunic, hard pressed to say which is more ridiculous.

So I’m going to just roll the dice and say Namor, because I love his hair cut.

How about you?

Definitions and predilections after the jump.

• Excalibur: Blinds its enemies when drawn, and (if found with the scabbard) prevents the wielder from bleeding. Also, makes you the rightful King of England.
• The Palladium: Possessing this item means your side can never be defeated in war.
• The Armor of Achilles: Forged by Hephaesus, this armor renders its wearer invulnerable to injury.
• The Helmet of Hades: Renders the wearer invisible.
• Odin’s spear, Gungnir: Never misses its aim and it could not be stopped in mid-throw.
• Cupid’s bow: Causes the target to either love or hate the first person seen after being struck.
• Talaria, Hermes’ winged sandals: Grants the wearer the power of flight.
• Aphrodites‘ Girdle: Cause anyone you desire to fall in love with you.

My problem with the personal injury items like Excalibur and Gungnir is that they’re only as mighty as the person wielding them. If you’re King Arthur or Odin, that’s not a problem because let’s face it, you’re already a certified stud muffin. But wimpy bald guy from Colorado? Not so much. Plus, who wants to be King of England? They’ve no real power nowadays, so unless you’re willing to off the entire Parliament you’re sort of at loose ends there.

The Palladium would make you a very powerful person, but only if you kept it secret. In other words, as soon as the government of whatever nation you happened to side with found out you had it, you’d no longer have it. The way to play this would be, I think, to keep it secret and to choose your country very carefully. Then you’re more or less at the mercy of your rulers, though, to only prosecute worthwhile wars that would make life better. Otherwise you might accidentally end up living inside an unbeatable Nazi Germany, and that’s no fun at all.

If you’re an adventurous type, the Armor of Achilles would be tempting. It’d be nice to be able to run into burning buildings and slog through a war zone without getting hurt. I don’t know how practical something like that would be, but if you trained your body well you could, I think, be a reasonable facsimile of a super hero with it.

Similarly, the Helmet of Hades would give you a bona fide super power, but one more suited to stealth than heroic front-man action. Or you could use your power of invisibility for evil, of course, spying out secrets with which to blackmail the wealthy, that sort of thing.

The final “personal powers” item is the winged sandals of Hermes. We’ve talked about it before, but being able to fly would be awesome. And if it’s the more powerful version of the sandals, granting not just flight but supersonic speed, that would be even better. You could travel the world easily whenever you liked, even if you weren’t of a mind to be a Flash style super hero.

The two emotional manipulation items, Cupid’s bow and Aphrodites’ Girdle, could be exceptionally powerful tools for either chaos or order. You could start or stop wars, make or ruin lives, or rule entire nations if you were clever and unscrupulous enough. But I don’t think I could live with the knowledge that I’d surrounded myself by those whose affections were forced. That’s like slavery and I can’t help but think it would rot you from the inside out.

So for me, I’d probably go with Hermes’ sandals. They’re powerful enough that you could make a real difference in the world if you wished, but personal enough to be a lot of fun. And they’re not SO powerful that you would be at risk of accidentally destroying the world or anything, which would be a relief.

What about you, what would you choose?

Most of the “Versus” matchups we’ve thought about involved melee characters beating the snot out of each other with their fists. And I’m all for that. But the ranged specialists in comicdom have been sadly neglected, an oversight I aim to correct this week:

Discussion after the jump.

So hot you don't mind her kicking your ass.

A quick word first about what I am thinking here. First, to qualify a character’s offensive arsenal had to be primarily ranged. Thus I didn’t include the likes of Superman even though he has heat vision (a ranged power) because he’s mostly a melee guy. Plus, come on, Superman.

Second, I wanted to think about an aerial dogfight, like a WWII Red Baron style machine gun airplane battle, only with super-powered individuals. Because that’s just how I roll. So even though Green Arrow is primarily a ranged attack character, he doesn’t qualify because he can’t fly. Same thing with Bullseye or most of the other gun-toting people you might think of when it comes to combat at a distance.

Having laid the “ground” rules (ha ha, see what I did there?!), we can now proceed to our fanboi wanking.

• Green Lantern: The versatility of the ring would play a huge part here. Whereas someone like the Human Torch is mostly centered around outright blasting power to do his thing, GL has all sorts of options from creating an air-tight enclosure to the always-popular giant hammer, bringing an element of blunt, direct physical trauma into play as well as a level of gamesmanship. On the other hand, Iron Man’s armor is yellow, so nyah. (Yes, I know, they retconned that weakness out, but I’m old school.)
• Human Torch: Like Starfire, Torch’s main strength in this fight would be tactical. He’s used to being the long-range guy, since that’s pretty much his entire shtick. With a relatively paltry bag of tricks at his disposal, he’s had to refine them to the point where he’s extremely effective with them as well. Basically he’s a “keep it simple” kind of guy, which might give him a leg up when confronted with someone like GL or Iron Man who have such a plethora of options at their disposal. I know that’s a stretch, but then again, Johnny Storm is used to working with stretches.
• Iron Man: Like GL, Iron Man has a lot of options built in to his profile, and that would be an advantage. And the suit was built with ranged, aerial combat in mind, so he’s both nimble and fast. You can’t overlook the importance of either of those attributes in a dogfight, where movement and positioning are so vital. In a hand-to-hand fight, you pretty much stand toe-to-toe and just duke it out, but combat in open air is a lot more tactical than that. Think Khan and two-dimensional combat in “Star Trek II”.
• Magneto: Right away, Iron Man is in trouble. But then again, so is everyone else, because Magneto is used to taking on entire teams of highly powered opponents and annihilating them.
• Silver Surfer: One of the most powerful beings in the galaxy, the Surfer is also built for flight. The Power Cosmic arguably is stronger than anything anyone else on the list can conjure up, so he’s got a huge firepower advantage.
• Starfire: I admit, she’s mostly on the list because of her costume. Hubba hubba! But mostly she’s in the same category as the Human Torch.
• Storm: Being able to control the medium in which combat is being waged is an enormous advantage. Can Iron Man’s thrusters keep him stable and combat ready in the face of a hurricane? Can the Human Torch stay lit in a massive water spout? Can Starfire’s top stay up in gale-force winds? She’s nimble, fast, and can throw a huge monkey wrench into the ability of the others to stay airborne.

So having thought through the list, I’d say the strongest contenders are Green Lantern, Magneto, Silver Surfer, and Storm. Magneto’s defeated Storm easily before (even when she was backed by the rest of the X-Men!), so you’d have to think he’d have an edge here as well. As far as I know, Silver Surfer and Green Lantern have nothing metallic for Magneto to glom onto, so I think they’d fare well against him.

Ultimately, however, I think this fight would come down to a willingness to do whatever it takes to win. Silver Surfer, for all his power, has always been a reluctant warrior, and I think the outright merciless intensity of Magneto would bring him down. Ditto for GL. At the end of the day, I just can’t bet against Magneto almost not matter what the contest.

What about you, who do you think would come out on top?

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