The rightward tilt of the Lone Wolf

When last we left our intrepid Lone Wolf, he was galloping away on the dying Prince’s magnificent horse, and we had to decide which way he’d go. Reflecting the trend of the upcoming US midterm elections, we decided to veer right:

You have ridden about a mile when you are knocked from your horse by an arrow grazing your forehead. You lose 3 ENDURANCE points.

As you pull yourself to your feet, you see a patrol of Drakkarim emerge from the woods on either side of the road. You have been ambushed and must evade them as quickly as possible by going into the forest.

Turn to 154.

Notice how I am not making any comment about the results of veering to the right. That’s on account of how mature I am.

You are dizzy from your wound and you stumble through the trees like a blind man.

Suddenly you fall forward as if the ground had been snatched from beneath your feet. You have fallen head first into a hunting pit. As you look up, you can see four Drakkarim levelling their bows at you, evil sneers spreading simultaneously across their ugly faces.

As the world darkens, the last thing you feel are the black shafts of their arrows deep in your chest. You have failed in your mission.

Holy cow! I confess, I totally did not see that coming. I feel a little cheated; simply by turning in one random direction over another, we’re dead, with no chance at all to do anything. Maybe the authors are making some kind of point about the randomness of fate, how sometimes the littlest things can bring you down, how we’re all mortal and MY LITTLE LONE WOLF CUB IS DEAD, WAAAAAAAHHH!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!

Ahem. So much for maturity.

So our quest to save the Realms dies a lonely death at the bottom of a pit, doing a curious impression of a hedgehog. An ignoble end to a fine young man, who will be sorely missed. Or not, since presumably everyone was used to his running off at the drop of a hat by now.

What should we do next, folks? If you like, I could go back and turn left at that intersection instead and see what happens (although that’s cheating, let’s be honest, we all did it when reading these books originally). Or, I have another “Fighting Fantasy” adventure — “Deathtrap Dungeon” — loaded on my iPhone, of all things, and we could work our way through that if you prefer. It has the exciting feature of shaking the phone to roll dice, resulting in the longest and most pointless “dice rolling” animation you have ever imagined. Sadly, I cannot share that particular aspect of the experience with you, so each time you’d have to walk into the nearest closet and stare at a blank wall while badgers gnaw at your liver so we can all have the same feeling at the same time as waiting for that stupid feature to complete.

Or we can make like Lone Wolf and run away, never to return! Let me know what you think.

15 Responses to The rightward tilt of the Lone Wolf

  1. Well, since I’ve done the downloadable DS version of this one and know what the good ending is already, I vote that we try out your new phone one. Also, you could just find a looping .gif of dice rolling, post it here and tell us how long to stare at it, that might help us to experiance the joys of boring dice animations…

  2. I always knew we would come to a bad end. I just thought we’d have to stand and fight first!

  3. LOL, I’ve played similar stuff before, this “You’re dead because you picked the wrong page” stuff is common.

    I vote for going back in time and then go to the left.

  4. I have to say, that is a damned disappointing ending. We get knocked off our horse by an arrow (no chance to avoid or fight back), run through the woods and fall into a hole (no chance of avoiding), and then arrowed down, gangsta-style (again with no chance to avoid).

    If I did that to my players, I’m pretty sure I would be called for being a bad DM.

  5. All I can say is this is just lame. My vote is to go back and turn left, but if others want to try a new adventure, I’m game.

  6. I agree. My own DM used to cheat like that all the time. I say we rise from the dead, go back to that crossroad and turn left.

  7. New Adventure! New Adventure!

  8. That’s funny and now I get to say its all your guys fault! I wanted to go left! I feel better now.

  9. This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but rather with the mention of the fact you have an iphone. I had thought you mentioned this before, but wasn’t certain. Anyway, giving the sad state of your internet connection, have you ever given consideration of tethering your Iphone to the PC and see if you get a better connection that way ? 3g and The Edge are no that fast really, however it may be faster then what you are describing from your ISP.

  10. My Internet access is provided by an Alltel USB modem plugged into a router. And the only thing worse than Alltel’s cell coverage around here is AT&T’s, which is practically nonexistent. I haven’t sniffed 3G since moving to Colorado, and feel lucky to get any coverage at all most of the time.

    We just closed on a new house last week, which is a lot more out in the open. So far all signals are better there, so my hope is that the Alltel modem performs significantly better as well.

    And even though we still can’t get 3G on the iPhone, at least I get more than 0 bars there, unlike our current slightly-in-a-valley location!

  11. Neo_N64 is right thats some serious BS!!! We’ve been trying so hard!!!
    Also Jeff I’d suggest Quest or Hughsnet those work well with Wifi imput.

  12. Sirus Diarota

    Deathtrap Dungeon?

    Enjoy the arena. Plenty of gags in there XD

  13. WOW, talk about jumping from the frying pan to the fire…

    That felt almost as pointless as the death of Tasha Yar…

    Anyway, I’m up for “restoring the last saved game” (i.e. turning LEFT as I voted at the last intersection), OR a new game…

  14. Let’s go left. I’m too invested in this story for it to end like this!

  15. No, no no. For a death to have meaning, it has to be permanent. Let’s not just go back and turn left… that’s like the death of any big name Marvel or DC hero. It has no importance because you know it’s just going to get reversed.

    Not that our Lone Wolf was comparable to, say, Captain America or Superman…