I’m sneaking this last entry in under the aegis of “Rob Liefeld Week” because a) it technically didn’t start until last Tuesday and b) due to an office remodel I didn’t post anything on Friday or Saturday. So suck it, Trebeck!

In this installment of “Retroview” I take on “The New Mutants” number 94, truly a Rob Liefeld masterpiece and a classic of the late 80’s / early 90’s super-hero comics industry:

If you want to learn why Wolverine and Sunspot look like they’re in the middle of an awesome handicapped-stall-handlebar-gripping face-crunching abdomen-flexing Power Dump, follow me after the jump … if you dare!

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For this week’s poll I’m asking you to think outside the box. If you’re a man, think about what it would be like a woman. And if you’re a woman already, think about what it would be like to be a man, thinking about being a woman. And if you’re a hermaphrodite, imagine what it would be like if you had to choose only one gender. And if you’re … but enough of that. The actual question for this week is:

Discussion and deep thinking after the jump.

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Rob Liefeld does everything bigger and badder, from muscles to jaws to crazy-high projecting mask bits to sound effects. For instance, you can tell that this SPLOOSH onomontoPOWia is so loud it changed both Cable’s and Wolverine’s left feet into right feet!

That’s some louditude, boys and girls.

Furthermore, I hope you’ll note that in classic Liefeld fashion he has rejected the tired, patriarchal color norms, replacing the expected blue of the tons of water falling on these two (from a big water tower in a warehouse, because we all know how important it is to keep your crates well moistened) with a sickly green. The only thing better than fresh water that quenches your thirst is puke green algae water that slaps your feet on backwards!

I’ve commented before on the odd habit of putting superheroes in costumes that make it look like they’re getting eaten, but I have to confess I never thought someone would design a mask that appears to be a starfish humping a guy’s face. It’s possible, of course, that the haberdasher simply sewed Sunfire’s top lip to his headgear, but I think I’m gonna stick with the man-eating echinoderm. Judge for yourself:

Note that in none of these images can you see Sunfire’s upper lip. In fact, the only way to account for the way this looks is to assume that Rob Liefeld doesn’t know anatomy from anemone jokemeister Wolverine got a little crazy with the superglue. Regardless, here’s how I like to reimagine the dialog in these panels. “Hey guys, I think this starfish bit off my nose! No, really I am freaking telling you my nose is gone!! Hey you over there, is that my nose on those lines under your feet, assuming that’s your foot I mean? Ah to heck with it, there’s no space in this mask for my nose anyway, just let it go.”

I included the bottom left image because I couldn’t figure out how all the various pieces of this sea-borne abomination actually would fit together. But after seeing it from behind, I realized that Liefeld doesn’t know either, so I stopped worry and learned to love the suck.

I really wanted to grant the benefit of the doubt here and assume that Liefeld was just having an off day when he designed and/or drew this. But the entire issue is rife with the same kind of massive head-wingery. Don’t any of these people ever have to go through a frigging door?

You can’t see it in this image, but Wolverine also has amazingly long pointy bits coming off of his boots. Apparently he doesn’t go sideways through doors either.

Stryfe, being a big-time villain leader of a whole group, naturally has more resources than your lowly X-Factor type of teen mutant, so he’s able to not just have tall sharp prongs coming off the top of his helmet, but the bottoms as well. Plus some extraneous antenna spikes on his shoulders and arms, just for good measure. I bet most of his criminal takings go right back to the carpentry guild, constantly repairing door frames he smashes on his way through. Sadly, all of his power and resources were not enough to save him from having his lip eaten by his mask as well.

Warlock makes up for the fact that he doesn’t wear clothes by naturally extending his cybernetic head shafts to impossible lengths. Because even though you can draw them long normally, sometimes you need even more!

Dragoness is the only one in the clear on this, because she already has to make sure she has room overhead for her wings.

At least Cannonball’s aviator goggles hang down. Of course, given the fact that his whole schtick is flying at incredibly high speeds, how practical is that, really? “Don’t worry, I’ll save you — urrrk, gaaaack!” and Cannonball dies, strangled by his own intemperate headwear, a fate we wouldn’t wish on anyone besides the guy that drew all of this on days when we’re feeling cranky.

(All images from the same single issue — yes, all of that packed into just one comic book! “The New Mutants”, Vol. 1, No. 94, ©1990 Marvel Entertainment Group, Inc. Louise Simonson, writer; Rob Liefeld, penciller; Hilary Barta, inker; Joe Rosen, letterer; Brad Vancata, colorist.)